Hiya Lefty. I know it seems sometimes as if people are bashing you.
Just a couple of things, if I may. I have been here for 6 years trying to pay it forward.
When I first came, I just couldnt get it. I just couldnt. I always say I came kicking and screaming into db.
I tried real hard to get what they were saying. Really, I did.
But for the longest time, I just argued back.
Until two very special people started posting to me. They kept at me, challenging me, testing me, forcing me to look inside.
I was so angry. Why couldnt they just understand what I felt? Why couldnt they just leave me alone to wallow?
But, bless them, they wouldnt give up. That floored me. These strangers who believed in this so much and who were growing to believe in me.
I thought, if they were willing to take the time to post to me,they must care. If they were willing to stick by me, then I must be worthy of that.
And so my real journey began. I started to look inside. I started to hear their words and they were beginning to make sense.
Once I stopped fighting, and started listening, I began to see it, too.
It was tough to swallow, some of the stuff they said. Really tough. But man, am I glad they did.
So, take a moment and really think about it. And then, be brutally honest with yourself.
What happened with me is, even when I wasnt totally sure, I acted the changes I knew I needed to make. Each and every day, I strived to be that person. Some days I made it, some I didnt. But that was always the goal.
Soon, they became a part of who I was becoming.
Trust me when I tell you that these people care a great deal. They want you to become your best self.
They are amazing, really.
I used to look at people who I admired, their characteristics, their traits. I prayed and read and prayed some more.
This is a gift you have been given. Do not squander it.
Take a moment and look within. See what things need changing. And then get to gettin.
As far as your w, well, you can want all day to fix her. Doesnt mean you can. It isnt your job. It is His.
She needs to walk this journey. What is your job is to let her.
Her life, her choice.
Lovingly let her go for now. I know this is so hard. I do. The thing is that when you hold on too much, the struggle is so much harder.
I talk often about my roadmap. I figured out mine when this started. I wanted to figure out what I wanted to see when I looked back on all this.
I knew that I wanted to act with dignity, courage, strength and honor. I knew I wanted to do nothing to interfere with the relationship between my son and his father. And I wanted to know that I did whatever I could to save my marriage.
With this roadmap, I was able to figure out how to act, what to do, who to be.
Make YOUR roadmap, Lefty. You will never be sorry you did.
On this roller coaster my friend, you are looping. How are you gonna get off?
All of us start with "How am I gonna get my spouse back?" then we move to "How do I get me back, and my spouse?"
If we are successful and have done the tough work, we find out who we are and we say "I am ready to share my life with someone else, because I have a lot to offer and know exactly what I want."
Wonka asked me what I wanted, I responded to Wonka's question.
You said what was on your mind which is exactly what you should do. But you need to understand why your thoughts are damaging you, your sitch and your relationship with your WAS. Just take the responses for what they are- an attempt to help you see things from another perspective. Each of us carry a lot of emotional baggage over our sitches, if we're honest with ourselves we will understand that we are not the best judge of how to act in our sitches because the emotions are far too raw. We tend to react based on our feelings and although we have good intentions, those feelings lead us to do the wrong things with our WAS's. Those who are not emotionally invested in our sitches but have already walked a mile in our shoes are those who are best equipped to lead us through this, and that's where these forums and/ or DB coaches come in.
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My W initiated contact and my W said she needs to know what my intentions are.
What she said is she's done with you, wants you to move on, needs closure, blah blah blah. Typical WAS stuff. And then she asks you what YOUR intentions are? You've made it clear here that you still want to save your M, but I think we've been clear to you that you can't be too aggressive about that thought with her because that is NOT what she wants and your words will fall on deaf ears. No need for a long F2F talk with her. Just keep it short and sweet, tell her you would like to work on the M but you understand that she doesn't want to and you will not stand in her way if she wishes to pursue D. If she hears you say you're not going to stop her then it takes some of the pressure off and you may find she doesn't pursue it as aggressively.
Hi everyone. Thanks for your comments, I'll try and address them below. Took a bit of a break from the forum yesterday and tried some GAL.
Among other things, sat in on an aikido class that meets at my church. Did some stretching and somehow pulled something in my back. Spent the evening and this morning in some pretty bad pain. When I was heavy, I had a lot of back problems. It's gone away since I've dropped the weight (179 this morning!), but I guess I still need to strengthen my core. Since I've got the okay from the cardiologist, I'm going to resume weightlifting next week and maybe some yoga too.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
You're mindreading W...by thinking that she's "expecting" something from you. You just don't know unless she explicitly spells out her thoughts to you. She isn't interested in your help at all as evidenced by her rebuffs of your offers.
Agreed, I am mindreading. And I'm sure you're right, but let me through this out ad as a devil's advocate and for the sake of discussion. My W asked me for favors twice since dropping the TRO and I could not help her. Is it possible she doesn't think I would help her with this sitch or that she may be too scared to ask a third time? I remember at the beginning, we were talking after I had been served, and I said I didn't understand where this was coming from, I had been giving her space like she asked for. Had she been expecting some grand gesture of my love instead? Silence. Not a denial, but silence. Is it not possible she is feeling too vulnerable to ask or that she does not have the communication skills to ask?
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Continue working on that detachment from your toolbox.
I'm trying, it's damn hard. I've never found it easy, and the occasional contact since July has made it harder than it was during the no contact. But I'm trying.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Might want to consider sending a small card to W sometime next week...a "just thinking of you" card and sign it simply "Praying for you, Lefty."
Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? Yes/no? I wouldn't even know how to address it. She's started going by her maiden name back in January, I think. If the consensus is that this is not a bad idea, I have some thoughts about what to say, I'll put it at the end of this message.
Originally Posted By: urWorthy
Lovingly let her go for now. I know this is so hard. I do. The thing is that when you hold on too much, the struggle is so much harder.
I am grateful for everyone's feedback and comments, I really am. I don't want to seem ungrateful at all. MrBond and I butted heads earlier, but I realize he has my best interests at heart and I welcome his advice. I welcome your advice too, and I am grateful.
I know I need to lovingly detach. It's so easy to say and so hard to do, though.
Like I've said before, I've struggled with negativity and pessimism. It was one of my W's complaints about me. I have been given a gift and I see now annoying, depressing, and damaging it can be to be around. I am waging a battle against it everyday. Even if I don't let the negativity use my voice, I still hear it whispering in my ear every day: "It's too late. You've lost the best thing that ever happened to you. You've thrown it away. You'll never get her back. She'll move on. She has moved on. You'll die alone." Then somebody comes along and basically says that verbatim to me in this thread, yeah, I reacted poorly.
Originally Posted By: kate's_plane
On this roller coaster my friend, you are looping. How are you gonna get off?
Don't I know it? I have no idea how to get off this rollercoaster.
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
f we are successful and have done the tough work, we find out who we are and we say "I am ready to share my life with someone else, because I have a lot to offer and know exactly what I want."
I think I've done a lot of work and made a lot of improvement. I still fight anxiety and depression, but I'm winning. I'm certainly in a much better place than I have been for a long time. I know who I am (most of the time), but here's the thing: I am not ready to share my life with someone else. I don't want to share my life with someone else! A large part of me hopes I never am! I know I have a lot of offer and I know exactly what I want.
I am trying to care for myself. I think the hardest part of this is forgiving myself. I tell myself the same thing my therapist does: I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time, but it sounds so hollow, you know?
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
What she said is she's done with you, wants you to move on, needs closure, blah blah blah. Typical WAS stuff. And then she asks you what YOUR intentions are? You've made it clear here that you still want to save your M, but I think we've been clear to you that you can't be too aggressive about that thought with her because that is NOT what she wants and your words will fall on deaf ears. No need for a long F2F talk with her. Just keep it short and sweet, tell her you would like to work on the M but you understand that she doesn't want to and you will not stand in her way if she wishes to pursue D. If she hears you say you're not going to stop her then it takes some of the pressure off and you may find she doesn't pursue it as aggressively.
AS, given your sitch (or more specifically your W's sitch), you know what I'm going through most of all. I'm grateful for your comments and advice.
Here's what I am thinking, and I welcome everyone's input.
Monday will be a week from my W's last text. I would prefer to post it verbatim, but I am somewhat worried she might stumble across this. Basically, her message went like this: sorry it took a while to respond, didnt know what to say. medical procedures on hold because i lost medical insurance. hope you and yours are well. nothing left in me to fight you any longer. please please let me know what your intentions are ASAP. i have no animosity. WAS stuff like need closure, doesn't feel right to linger. Pray for you and your daily. Asked God to help me forgive and I have. Nothing for us. Please help move this along smoothly.
Here's what I'd like to say:
"W, it has never been my intention to be obstructive or punitive in this process. I have no animosity towards you either; quite the contrary. I know you are just doing what you feel need to do to find happiness. Obviously, I would prefer to work on our marriage, but I'm not going to stand in your way.
I just want you to know I have lit a candle for you in church every Sunday since I found out about your health issues and I pray for you and yours, too. I'm so sorry your procedures are on hold right now. I've looked into it, and it would be possible to add you onto my health insurance. Would that help you at all and is it something you would be interested in? Let me know. "
That all sounds good to me, you mentioned that you don't want D but won't stand in her way, so you're taking the pressure off. The way you offered the insurance is good too, basically it's there if she wants it, but you're not pressuring her to accept.
I sent her the message as described above and heard back from her about 15 minutes later. Got the same old WAS stuff back. No answer in regards to my offer of help. One choice bit she said:
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I tried I tried hard Lefty. I won't be manipulated or made to feel guilty. I have to move on with my goals and life no matter how tough it can be sometimes
