I am totally confused about the detaching that I'm doing. Husband told me four days ago that I was "trying too hard" and that it is getting on his nerves. One of his complaints, before, in our marriage was that I never initiated anything, etc. so the past two weeks, I was dressing more carefully, making sure I looked nice, trying to be "sexy" etc...but then, he said I was trying too hard. He said he felt like I was changing so he wouldn't leave, not changing so he'd be happy. We also had a talk (that he started) about how I don't "need" him to stay....I could manage on my own...but that I "want" him to stay because I want our marriage to work. So, I backed off, thinking he needs space....that I need to detach. I've given him space the past four days. I let him initiate all conversations, etc. I haven't texted or called him about anything. I haven't tried to hug or kiss him, etc. But, tonight, before he left for work, he's mad because I've been "ignoring" him. I do a 180 one way, and then, have to do a 180 the other way because he changes his mind on what he wants. Now, I'm not sure if I should keep "detaching"...or reach out?
Frustrated and confused about what I need to do or not do!
I should also mention that H is showing all the signs of an MLC so he may be reacting to my DBing in a different way than I would expect?
Need advice, please! Anyone have a spouse who wants space then gets upset and feels "unwanted" because you're giving them space? Also, he keeps asking me what "I'm up to" and what my motives are like I'm doing something wrong behind his back. Ugh.
Angela
Angela,
Pick who YOU want to be and just be that person. Disregard what your H says because, as you have experienced, he will find any reason he can conjure up to harbor ill feelings towards you...including when you do exactly as he asks.
Be who you want to be. He'll figure out it has nothing to do with him when you keep that up over time, but there's no getting around the work you have to put in to get there.
All the best,
-PM
I love PMs post here. I just do. Being real among all of this is important.
