Confused about detaching!!!

[Accuray]

Today’s update - I really messed up yesterday. He has a second (pay-as-you go) cell phone because when I first found out about the EA last October (2012), I looked up his cell phone records because he was lying about the OW…claimed that the text I saw was the first (turns out it was over 2000+ texts to her in a 2 week period).

I haven’t looked at them since last November, and won’t because I don’t want to be that upset anymore! I NOW know that snooping will only hurt me and change nothing with him, except to make things worse. However, due to my crossing that line, he feels like he has to have another phone.

This is new info to me -- have you posted a history on your sitch? The first post I saw from you is questions about detaching.

So your H had an EA and last October you caught him lying to you by viewing his phone records, and he said that you crossed the line? Then he went and got a second prepaid cell phone?

Anyway, he is on his second phone, texting, ALL of the time…and it gets annoying. We were at our son’s football game and he was on his other phone the whole time and I made a comment about that. Also, when I do have to text him about the kids…all I ever get in return is “K”…..no matter what I text him.

He writes way longer texts to everyone else….so I also brought this up. It stinks that his work buddies he’s know a year or less (and whoever else) get long, fun messages from him while I get “K”….

Do you know who he's texting with? Will he let you read the texts on the second phone if you ask to?

It sounds to me like he's still in an EA, either with the same woman or with someone new. What do you think? It's very important from my perspective to know if there is an active OP.

Anyway, it didn’t go very well and he’s still kinda mad at me today. I feel like I “undid” all my progress to this point by bringing up something that upsets me, but that is kinda stupid! I wish I was better at just letting stuff like that go. smirk

I think your proximity to this situation and the treatment you are getting has you looking at this backwards. It's not okay for your H to have a second cell phone that he hides from you, it's not okay for him to be investing intimacy with third parties and nothing with you. You are not doing wrong by challenging that behavior.

Then, I worried about it all this morning. Argh!

Nothing I say is going to make him stop using the other phone, etc. and I know this so why do I fret and get all anxious about it?

My heart is doing summersaults today just because I am making myself all anxious about things that I have no control over.

Here's the thing, the majority of the time if your spouse is actively engaged in an EA or a PA, you have NO CHANCE to improve your relationship with them. Your mere presence triggers shame and guilt because they know what they are doing is wrong.

They don't like feeling shame and guilt, so they will blame you for making them feel that way, then invent reasons for why you drove them to do what they did. All of that happens without you doing or saying anything, so you're starting from a huge deficit.

If you then do typical LBS behaviors of begging/pleading/shaming/pursuing, you exacerbate what they are feeling, make everything worse, and drive the wedge even deeper!

Your actions don't get the desired response, so you try harder and redouble your efforts, and that makes it worse, and a downward spiral starts feeding itself.

The best prescription (if this were possible), would be to say "have fun with that", turn your back on it completely, and then be a confident, attractive, happy person!

Why? Because when they try to blame you for "making" them feel a certain way, or making them take certain actions, none of your actions would support that. They'd be facing a very obvious inconsistency, and would question what they are doing much sooner.

Secondly, they think they know you inside and out, can predict exactly what you will do or say, and for that reason, assume that things with you can't be any better than they have been.

If you start acting differently, and do things they don't predict, it shakes their foundation and makes them feel like they're no longer in control of the situation, and once again that makes them think and reconsider sooner than they would otherwise.

The biggest challenge that any LBS faces is (1) impatience, because we want results *now* and (2) the pummeling our self esteem takes in this situation, leading us to feel not good enough, guilty, and "less than".

Michelle's prescriptions for "Act As If", GAL, and 180 are all designed to make you appear to be the person I've described above, even though you're not feeling it. The strategy here is that if you lead by doing, your feelings will follow.

You are right that you can't control him, what he does, or change anything about your R while an OW is involved. It is simply a waiting game. During that waiting game, your job is to (1) not make things worse, (2) take care of yourself physically and emotionally the best that you can, and (3) set reasonable boundaries to prevent yourself from getting hurt further.

One reasonable boundary is that H not text other people in your presence. If he decides to start texting while in your presence, you will leave wherever you happen to be, because you will not be disrespected. You're not telling him what to do -- he can do whatever he wants, but if he starts texting other people in front of you, YOU will leave.

The LBS often fears that this will upset the WAS and make things worse, but the opposite is actually true. People like boundaries, structure, and rules, because they then know what to expect. They will also respect you for standing up for yourself, and that makes you more attractive.

Patience and strength Angela, if he's involved with OW you could have a long wait in front of you.