Unlearning conflict avoidance 5

[25yearsmlc]

I read Cunningham's stuff in January. It was an eye opener for sure. The stuff on being a man and understanding women was golden.
However I did find it difficult to DB and do all that he says. It's not good to mix all the advice from one thing with another.

I ended up trying to take what he teaches on attraction and being a leader etc and leave the deadlines and incompatibility tests and carried on DBing.

T,

Just simply reading your signature block makes me wonder a little.

What NEW or Different behaviors did you or your w engage in or use, that were helpful? Where did you learn those helpful ones?

OR

Did you find yourself repeating errors from the past, OR reverting?

Did either of you ever go to the "Essential Experience" workshop (aka "EE") for individuals who want more clarity, peace and self esteem in their lives?

(The healthier happier Individual you are, the better the partner/parent/friend, you are).

AND OR

Did you attend the Retrovaille weekend retreat, for marriages in crisis? The word is French and means "Rediscover".

Both are excellent, for different situations. Both are the reasons I am still married, (along with Vernetta, the perfect DB coach for ME. Vernetta retired and had every right to do so...something about "more time with family"...but even now I still miss her sage & soothing advice at least monthly!)


I think For those who only want to work on their marriages

(as opposed to only working on individual goals OR to get rid of some private baggage),

I cannot see a reconciliation working UNLESS you attend Retrovaille or "EE"

OR

have an unusually gifted and insightful mc

who really is PRO M and not just there to "validate" whatever direction one's emotions takes one. Otherwise where are the needed new different tools coming from? Books are great but you have to "see" or role play those tools to implement them. Or really practice with yourself.

I highly recommend both EE and Retrovaille. Check their websites out. You may find one around you or coming soon.

I flew to the opposite coast for EE many years ago. It was by far the Most profound "internal" experience I had ever had. I didn't go to "fix" my marriage b/c we were in a good place at the time and I had issues with motherhood and career and my own parents illnesses, ETC. So I went on my own to check it out. After I returned,
My h saw my changes & "results" and to my surprise, he went himself a few months later. He said it was the "best gift" he'd ever been given.

Decades passed. Work took overl, along with child care. Some resentments built and he seemed hellbent on a "Last Frontier MLC" that did not necessarily include his family.

I thought We reconciled but we were really piecing. When we found ourselves backsliding, I had so little reserves of DB that I insisted we "DO SOMETHING" b/c otherwise I felt convinced I'd throw in the towel after all the DBing I had done.

So we looked up Retrovaille and it was coming to our own city, just two weeks later...on our anniversary....Needless to say, it seemed like an obviously good idea. Sort of like the apex of DBing.

And it was SO WORTH IT!

Just wanted to chime in that WIthout new ways of communicating aned seeing things, without NEW TOOLS

I don't think reconciling is a good idea.

Get the tools together OR BEFORE as you piece,

if you are in that "place". Because to move back in and assume all will be well - seems to set couples back a lot

..posting more later.