BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[SM34]

BC39 apologies if I got carried away with the topic of the selfishness required to obliviate a marriage to what many would consider a 'good spouse'.

Lets get back to how YOU are doing. I have been following along with your journey for quite some time now and like many others, I am proud of where you have gotten yourself mentally.

How are things? Do you have plans for labor day? Give us an update when you have a few minutes.

[MrBond]

SM34,

Here is a link to your new post to discuss your thoughts.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...082#Post2381082

[BC39]

A lot of action since my last post!

Nothing particularly new in my sitch.

I haven't posted much as I think any advice to me has already been given recently.

Recently, and moving forward, I will live my life. I am more my old self recently. I can honestly look in the mirror everyday with the confidence I'm a good man, father and husband.

I struggle with wanting to figure out a way to get my W to look internally for answers. I know I can't control her or the switch. I try to remind myself this when the thoughts creep in.

I still struggle with detaching but I'm trying. I'm not sure how, but somehow I came up with my own interpretation of what detaching means. Then lovethehub recently said:

BC, I understand your confusion about detaching when your W feels you abandoned her or weren't there for her emotionally. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean ignoring her, it means removing your expectations from the outcome.

A light bulb went off for me when reading this.

I need t remove my expectations from the outcome. I'm no where near this yet but I'm going to try.

.......................

Things have been good (relatively speaking) in the last couple weeks.

W obviously has underlying thoughts, but our interaction has been very good. Getting along and having fun have never been an issue for us, so when I'm gauging our interactions its usually based on affections (her interpretations of our problems)

W will initiate kisses goodbye and hello, and some nights she'll look for my hand to hold under the covers, but most of the impromptu affections are still coming from me.

Again, most of the time she SEEMS happy.

We haven't had a R talk since Aug 10th, that I transcribed here.

A lot of our interactions lately having me questioning what W perception of emotion connection actually is. I don't believe I've asked her to really explain it to me.

I think about it sometimes what the viewing audience would think if we were on some sort of reality show where there are cameras following us around.

[Accuray]

I'd stop asking her to define emotional connection -- you are just reinforcing her belief that she's not satisfied. Your actions should ideally say "I'm a kick ass husband. If you have a complaint I will listen and discuss it, but otherwise I'm confident with what I bring to the table"

If you are a kick ass husband to the best of your ability and she doesn't appreciate it, that is her failing, not yours, and you can't own fixing that.

If she has a complaint or request then address it. Otherwise just be the good man you are and avoid conversation that would betray that you question your value.

[HopefulStill]

Welcome back BC39!
I had hoped that coming back after your break from the boards you would have made a little headway. The limbo period is the toughest, by far. It's hard to go through each day trying to act as if you are ok while the world goes on around you.

I used to pray that my wife would receive a "moment of clarity" and suddenly realize what she was doing and come out of her fog. That moment finally came, but it took much longer than I ever thought it would.

It sounds like you are actually coping very well. EA fantasy relationships are so hard for the WAS to extract themselves from. I think part of them knows it's not real, but another part of them doesn't want to believe that- and clings to it for all it's worth. Eventually it will crash.

I think your wife will eventually come to her senses and return to you. I hope you can hang in there so that when she does, your heart is still in it.

[BC39]

[quote=AccurayI'd stop asking her to define emotional connection -- you are just reinforcing her belief that she's not satisfied. Your actions should ideally say "I'm a kick ass husband. If you have a complaint I will listen and discuss it, but otherwise I'm confident with what I bring to the table"

If you are a kick ass husband to the best of your ability and she doesn't appreciate it, that is her failing, not yours, and you can't own fixing that.

If she has a complaint or request then address it. Otherwise just be the good man you are and avoid conversation that would betray that you question your value.
[/quote]
I've actually never asked her to explain her interpretation of an emotional connection, but I understand what your saying about reinforcing her belief, so I will pay attention to that.

[BC39]

Welcome back BC39!
I had hoped that coming back after your break from the boards you would have made a little headway. The limbo period is the toughest, by far. It's hard to go through each day trying to act as if you are ok while the world goes on around you.

I used to pray that my wife would receive a "moment of clarity" and suddenly realize what she was doing and come out of her fog. That moment finally came, but it took much longer than I ever thought it would.

It sounds like you are actually coping very well. EA fantasy relationships are so hard for the WAS to extract themselves from. I think part of them knows it's not real, but another part of them doesn't want to believe that- and clings to it for all it's worth. Eventually it will crash.

I think your wife will eventually come to her senses and return to you. I hope you can hang in there so that when she does, your heart is still in it.

Hey Hopefull, nice to hear from you! I always appreciate your insight. Your sitch was a lot like mine. I hope to be in the same place as you and your W.

I'm not sure you read the convo of W and I from last month, its posted at the end of my last thread if you get a second. Concerning convo, but her actions since seem to be positive.

Our dynamic when it comes to affection has been interesting lately.

I do a lot of playful touching, some of with is sexual. She doesn't seem bothered at all, in fact she seems to enjoy it.

A couple weeks ago we we're laying in bed, she was reading a book (romance novel) and I was just waking up from a short nap. I was aroused when I woke up and playful propositioned her. She was all smiles but apprehensive because our S5 was playing nearby, but she ended up pleasuring me. It had been a while so it was great.

The other day W as at the mall shopping. She was in a store to buy a bra, but she went and tried on a piece of lingerie and texted me a pic. She said afterward that she hadn't done something like that in a while and thought it would be fun.

Other than these 2 incidents all affection is initiated by me. We haven't had intercourse for almost a month. (last time was the night of our last R convo)

Again, she seems fine with the sexual flirting, but I usually do that when S isn't actually possible (kids are around etc). I don't try anything when we go to bed at night as she doesn't seem interested.

I'm trying to up our one on one time. I took her golfing with just the two of us for the first time last week. She had a great time.

I'm going to book a hotel a couple hours from where we live for a show next month. She loves the show So You Think You Can Dance and they are performing. I hope she likes the idea.

I'm trying to keep things light with no pressure.

We haven't had a R talk since last month. During that convo she started it off by saying she hated talking about her feelings, but quickly said she felt much better after talking to me about it. She said that we should schedule times to talk about things...but she hasn't brought it up since.

[AnotherStander]

I used to pray that my wife would receive a "moment of clarity" and suddenly realize what she was doing and come out of her fog. That moment finally came, but it took much longer than I ever thought it would.

Hopeful,I went looking for your threads and couldn't find anything talking about your saved M, then I searched your posts and saw that you explained a lot of your posts were lost when a particular forum was deleted. I did find a post you made to Newman where you gave a quick summary of your sitch and it is a really great read, I wanted to post it here for others who were curious about your sitch:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...536#Post2359536

[HopefulStill]

BC,
Wow. I'm glad that you are getting signs of genuine affection from your wife. I'll have to ponder this a bit as in my own situation, my wife and I didn't ML for a year and a half while she was involved with her EA. Her affections towards me waned noticeably over that same period until they were about nonexistent! In fact, I didn't receive what you are getting until she went NC with the other man. Perhaps your wife is feeling genuine hope that you can, in fact, really be the husband that she wants for herself. If this is the case, I would agree with what seems to be her present sentiment that you table any R talks for now, and really take time to enjoy each others company. Your main mission right now is to speak as many of her love languages (or emotional needs) as you can, become an expert in doing what makes her feel loved and happy.

I would also remind you to keep the pressure off of her when it comes to the physical side. I know your concern is that you do most of the initiating, but it will most likely be that way for a while. Try not to stress about it - I would bet my bottom dollar that once you have fully restored your love together, and continue to meet her needs (whatever her greatest are), she will begin to initiate too . Enjoy the hand holding, light touches and caresses- they are EVERY BIT as important to her as ML is for you.

One thing that I learned (and a lot of folks here will profess) is that you cannot return to your old marriage. The only way to survive this trauma is to create a new, better marriage- TOGETHER. The two of you are, perhaps, beginning to define what that new relationship will look like. It should be an exciting time for you .

-HS

P.s. there will be time, later, for R talk. I would wait at this point as things seem to be improving for you.

[MrBond]

Good job.