Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[AnotherStander]

Had a great weekend with S10. Unfortunately I barely saw D16 because she was either working or shopping or spending the night with her friend. But S10 and I had a lot of "dude time" as he calls it He's been wanting his own motorcycle helmet for a long time because my spare fits too loose on him, we finally went and got him one and does he ever love it! Of course we had to go for some rides so he could try it out We also went and watched Riddick, he and I are both big fans of Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick so we've really been looking forward to this movie and we loved it! We also played some video games, and somehow I let him talk me into helping him make a cosplay outfit. We spent hours working on it over the weekend (and nearly 200 bucks in materials!!) but I don't think I've ever seen him so excited over anything. Even though it's not complete he had to put it on no less than 10 times over the weekend, just had to keep trying it on

When it came time for W to pick him up he told me he doesn't like being with mom and didn't want to go. He also told me over the weekend that she is yelling at him "all the time" and that he asks her when she's coming home (moving back in with me) and she "just changes the subject". I didn't try to explain away W's actions, I just validated him (told him it sounded frustrating and I understood why he feels that way). To cap it off W didn't show up to pick him up until 10:30 pm last night when our handoffs are supposed to be early afternoon.

I think I've mentioned before that S10 and D16 come to my house after school on the weeks W has the kids. Initially W made an effort to pick them up by 6:00. Now she rarely makes it before 7 and sometimes it's after 8. Their bed time is 10, so she's clearly not spending much quality time with them. I doubt she does much more than feed them and get them to bed. This is so unlike the loving mother I once knew who was 100% devoted to her kids.

D16 texted me today from school today and was VERY excited about getting a 98 on a big essay project I helped her with last week. She just kept thanking me for helping her, it really touched my heart I assured her that the content was all her doing and that all I did was to help with some wordsmithing.

When I was eating lunch today I was reflecting on the above experiences with the kids and how great it made me feel Then I remembered what W posted to her friend on FB:

"I met a man that treats me like a princess and he treats my children well. He does things with them that I always envisioned a father doing with his children."

Apparently W doesn't envision a father helping his children with homework, taking them shopping, helping them with costumes, taking them for motorcycle rides and out to movies, etc. OM has taken them to a few baseball games and has taken S10 to a golf range a few times. What a hero father figure!! The above stuff I posted between me and my kids is nothing new, I have ALWAYS been very involved in my kids' lives. I am the one they go to with homework questions or when needing help with projects, always have been. W's comment doesn't make me mad, but it is frustrating that she's so deep in the fog that OM can do a few superficial things and in her eyes that trumps the nearly two decades of loving fatherhood that I've happily devoted to our kids.

Well said, AS!!! I guess you could say we've become "vets" now, huh? Not experts, not masters of the future, but experienced and survivors of what will be one of the most difficult experiences of our lives.

Exactly, and I think that's all anyone here could hope to claim, you can't really be an expert or master when it comes to reading the emotions of a WAS. Surviving is the name of the game, LOL!

A friend's H has TBI & is basically an invalid at age 40; my SIL just had a double masectomy; my mom's best friend passed away unexpectantly at age 60 and most sadly and closely to me, my MIL died from ovarian cancer last Aug at age 66.

Ironically it's the shortness of life that helped me to realize that hanging onto W is pointless. I mean after all, either one of us could die any minute anyway. It is inevitable that the M will end either in divorce or death. Sure I'd prefer it end in death-by-old-age, LOL! But it's out of my control.

Sorry to hear about your pending D, but I know you are going to be more than fine, AS!

Thank you

Hi AS, glad you're feeling okay right now and you are so strong in the midst of everything. You are a good person for continuing to be there for your W with her health issues in the middle of a D!

Thanks! I do have to say though, I've pulled back since W started back in with the D again. It seems pretty clear she doesn't want my help even in the midst of cancer treatments. So I'm no longer reaching out to her. If she is pushing forward with D in the middle of radiation treatments, then clearly she's done, done, done. So I'm back to giving her time and space.

When my divorce was finalized with my first XW, the next two years were the best of my life, bar none.

Well cheers to that, here's hoping for great times ahead even after D