then the betrayed spouse has basically said, by their (lack of) words and (lack of) actions, "I'm okay with this. At least until I've improved myself, because I've been a crappy spouse."
To be more succinct, I believe that respect in a marriage is earned. Fidelity, on the other hand, is expected.
I would (and did) expect my wife to end her affair WHILE we each worked on our own issues in the marriage. No, she didn't respect that boundary immediately (it took nearly 3 months), but it was one that I stated (and lived out) immediately, and never wavered from. It was basically a position of "End of your affair and come back to the marriage, and I think you will find me willing to work on any and all issues, including my own."
That's what worked for me. Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their own situation.
