Hello! I am a returning DBer but it has been about 5 years. Back then was trying to get help for my failing marriage. My husband left me and my two daughters, now 10 and 12. During that time I wanted to work it out, he did not. I used DB techniques and they worked!! The problem for him was that by the time they worked, I was over it! Well, to an extent...it took me 4 years and a lot of drama to actually file for the divorce. D is still not final, but should be soon. During that time me ex-H turned out to be mentally unstable more than I ever thought possible. Between his death threats and financial manipulations, he has really proven that I am GLAD I did not have my wishes granted through DBing the first time. Also during that time I fell madly in love again. My Boyfriend and I have been together 4 years with one break up for a few months. During that break up I felt I needed "space" and to get my mind clear from my previous relationship and that I knew I wanted to marry my B one day, if I didn't get space at that time I would regret it one day. Well, that didn't last too long and we were back together. Shortly after that he moved in and we have lived together for the last year and a half. My B is currently in the trenches of breaking into his career in a very competitive field, and he is 36...being older than the average recruit at this point. He is feeling the pressure to succeed more than ever. I have supported emotionally through his application processes, studies, and with overall encouragement, and financially, not completely, but basically having the major financial responsibilities for the house and bills with him giving me $$ for rent and extras when he can. This was fine with me until I lost my job in November 2012. Since then I struggled with jobs, getting 3 new ones that didn't work out. My youngest daughter has epilepsy and it is hard to find a job where i can be home enough for her needs. I became depressed, and stressed. To say the least. I began telling my boyfriend I needed some help. He said over and over he could not help me financially, he was maxed out. Until he reaches his career goal. I said I don't care about more $$, as much as I just need us to figure out our options. Should we move, rearrange schedules, try to sell something, etc. I just wanted a partner to collaborate with but every time I asked for help, he shut down. I began to get upset and finally asked him if he was ever going to marry me. He said he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married, not just to me but anyone. I was very hurt by this, because upon his moving in, we discussed getting married and both agreed it was what we wanted but no time soon. This is when I really began pushing him away. No sex, touching or anything. I was stubborn and dramatic and hurt. I pushed for more R talk and although I am not even ready to get married either, I pushed this topic to the point of frustration for him. I wanted more and he was recoiling fast. During this, my ex-MIL died from long terminal ovarian cancer. She and I had remained close and was very close to my kids, this was a devastating loss. I spent time with my ex and his family during this time. My B was very understanding, but I am sure this hurt him. These events and my unstable job sitch made my depression worse. By this time B is on the couch and we were making love only when we could not stand NOT being together...the love was very much still present. I threatened breaking up, and he continually ignored me saying I didn't mean it. This upset me even more and I was financially tapped out. I couldn't afford my rent and had to make a move. He said we should move together but after months of trying to get him to look for new places with me and him ignoring my urgency, i said no. I had started back to college and decided to move in with my mom temporarily. He found a room to rent. Well once he did this, I was devastated. I thought he would fight for me. He let it go. He said at I confused and hurt him and he needs to focus on his career. We moved and it has been a month. I have seen him once, and it was horrible. He doesn't call, and for awhile I was texting him and he would answer back each time...I love you and miss you too....or respond to whatever I say somehow. He is not including me in his life unless he needs me for something, but has started texting me randomly that he misses me. This happened once I stopped contacting him. He said he would come see me and the girls soon too. He also has started to use sweet names like cutie sweetie pie, etc in our texts, which had stopped completely before. The thing is he goes days in between contact, and this past weekend I backslid. It was his birthday so texted him saying happy birthday. He said thank you sweetie pie. That was it. He didn't include me in his plans which were a party at his new place and boating with our friends. I drank too much wine and confessed how much I miss him and hate being without him. He said it's ok I love and miss you too. That's it. Nothing now. I am so confused. I have re read all of this advice. Should I implement these techniques, even though we are not married? I am sure we can work things out, we just had a bad few months. I regret telling him to find a new place, but was so hurt by his non-help during my difficult time. Now he's gone and I'm a wreck! I love him so much and he really is the sweetest, most wonderful boyfriend ever. I don't care if he makes money, I just want to navigate this world together....whatever it brings. I have told him this so many times (pre-break up) but I think it makes him feel I don't believe he will make it in his career. Well, I am looking for hope from anyone that I should just keep trying with this relationship. He has no reason to see me so I can't even show him I'm "ok". I know we both made mistakes, but we are still in love. At least I Thought we were. Help!!
How long were you DBing for? If you had a BF during the time when you were trying to get your M on track, I can see how that might have complicated things.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Probably not what you want to hear, but it sounds like you both need that space right now. You sound very co-dependent (most of us are when we first get here, but by round 2, I would have thought you'd have addressed that), and that's neither healthy nor attractive.
I don't understand the continued pressure you put on him either. On one hand you say you're not in a hurry to M, but then you are pushing him for it at the same time. Why?
So what are you doing for you? Are you working to make yourself the W only a fool would leave? What are you doing for GAL?
