HS - I'll bet you haven't read this whole thread and you probably haven't read DD's other thread in the newcomers forum. so you're only seeing half of what I have written, and using that to misunderstand my advice. you are also not seeing the advice DD is getting from others in the newcomers forum, including tips from a former WAW that dovetails with my evaluation.
DD's sitch is very very different from mine and that is why I didn't bring up my own sitch in his thread.
regarding DD - what I (and others) recommended was not "fear of confronting" but a more complete strategy to temporarily postpone the confrontation and to do it at the right time. your advice to rush in and confront her right away is not just inappropriate to this sitch but downright dangerous.
in a nutshell - DD in the past was a less-than-perfect husband and there are a lot of things he needs to fix. therefore he needs to build up a foundation of improvements before confronting.
this is for two reasons:
1) so that she will see his improvements as permanent changes and not just a desperate reaction to her affair.
2) so that when he does confront her and say "him or me", she will choose DD and not OM. right now if he would say that, her reaction would probably be "you haven't been such a good husband in the past, I'm moving in with OM."
so for those two reasons he needs to build the foundation before confronting her, and this will take some time because he has a lot of fixing to do, and because it takes time to show that the changes are constant over time.
confronting her at this stage will not cause her to fall into his arms begging for forgiveness, and will not cause her to leave OM. she would just hide the affair better - if she doesn't walk out on DD and move in with OM.
but confronting her at the right time after he has built up a foundation of improvements will give him leverage when he sets boundaries, which he will certainly need to do after confronting her.
right now, though, any attempt to confront her or "set boundaries" would be not only ineffective but counterproductive.
that's why I (and others) have told him - confrontation at the right time.
strategy, not just letting your emotions take over.
