Hi labug, we were having an argument where she was screaming and crying about how much she hated her job, and nobody understood how awful it was. I tried to talk to her about it for a long time before she kept insisting she was going to walk in and quit, and in the heat of the moment I said "if you quit your job I will divorce you" [b]since I did not want her to quit her job while she was so emotional. [/b] Don't kid yourself or think we believe this^^. You told her not to quit b/c of MONEY (see earlier post and note that we have pretty good memories here and your words are in writing so the lies you tell yourself are4 the worst. THEY prevent your own growth.
You cared WAY more about losing her income than in her happiness AND THEN you threatened to END your marriage for that. PERIOD.
Stop pretending otherwise or changing your story when you realize what a lousy h and tyrant you sound like. YOU DONT' HURT US BY LYING TO YOURSELF, YOU ONLY FURTHER HURT YOURSELF BY DOING THAT...
I apologized later and told her I said it out of desperation, but I really don't know what else I could have done. If there is a better way I would like to learn.
IS THIS A SERIOUS QUESTION? I mean, do you want to learn a better way and do you actually Not know "IF THERE IS" a better way? (THERE IS, TRUST US).
Your way was probably the worst way it could have been handled.
Years ago, My h hated his well paying presitigious job where he was the Chief of Anesthesia in a burn unit. I hated how unhappy he was. I helped him find a new job. In a new state, which meant all of us moving from a place I LOVED...b/c having a miserable job made my h sad and so, that's what a good wife does. And really even a mediocre wife would do that.
A husband is seen as a protector and provider for his wife and family. In this case you were neither. You should have been her friend and confidante too...but you threatened to withdraw your role as her friend/confidante AND protector and provider
b/c you were selfishly putting your financial concerns ahead of all else. And with so little imagination. ..As if she could ONLY work in a place she hated? Never even crossed your mind to help her find happier work??
OF COURSE there is a better way for God's sake.
I have NOT seen "your way" on these boards ever. Just about the worst "way" I have seen a h ignore his wife's misery is to threaten her with divorce if she tries to find happiness elsewhere in her work.
Never heard a spouse (let alone a H), demand his wife 1) WORK, or 2) keep a job she hates and NOT HELP HER FIND SOMETHING ELSE BETTER, OR SUGGEST SHE QUIT.
Your focus was not at all HER welfare or happiness. She hated that job for years so quitting it was not "an emotional" or sudden decision.
Also you tossed the divorce word out as an intimidation tactic. FOR A JOB!
So her choices were to stay in a miserable job (AND lousy marriage) or to leave. Apparently that choice got easier after awhile.
Too bad your concern was her job and income and NOT HER happiness. Do you STILL really Not see YOUR ROLE IN HER AFFAIR?
Sure of course, she should have left you before dating OM....that's where I think she went wrong. She should have fled earlier.
And btw, I have never said that^^ on these boards in all these years.
You sound like a bully and a selfish tyrant with violent tendencies. I have also never ever said that to a man here. I have seen some women fail to support their h's career choice b/c they feared loss of the house and financial ruin, but never a h hearing his w;s misery
oR as YOU called it something like "complaining all the time for HOURS" and instead of helping her solve her seriously unhappy work situation you demanded she stay in it. WOW...
as for your temper and her "Convenient claim of fear"....seriously?
You think she's lying? You are the one not being honest. [b] Read this next sentence a few times so it really gets thru to you
***I and every woman I know, would be afraid that the next thing to be thrown or broken, would be me***
Most men who have temper tantrums like this, secretly or consciously INTEND to frighten with their actions.
Unless you completely lack self awarness I think you know it was your goal. FORCE her into submission. Stay in a horrible job forever, do as you say, OR ELSE... you will leave, or break.............s o m e t h i n g (someone) and for a long time it worked. You were "conveniently" oblivious to her fear but really down deep you used it as a weapon to keep her.
So now you are reeling that she has left. But your behavior has been Bullying tactics, 101. Maybe that is what you saw growing up, but that is o excuse, and it's toxic
BTW I'd never have a child with a man who has tantrums like yours b/c it's just asking for trouble and a life time of living in yet more fear.
IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT TRYING TO SAVE THIS MARRIAGE,
NEARLY ALL THE WORK NEEDS TO BE ON YOU AND YOU ALONE...FOR A LONG TIME [b] and that's good news!!!!/u]s.
YES IT IS good news, b/c you are NOT powerless..... IF you had been a great h whom she left "for no reason"
then we could not help you do anything but try to heal.
BUT INSTEAD your behaviors sound like the root of most of your marital problems that YOU have shard with us.
Whatever HER issues are separate from you, are irrelevant at this time b/c she is not here trying to save the marriage; you are.
Don't forget that^^^. and
HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE.
No walk away spouse will return to a marriage they left [u] unless
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.
So, what are YOU doing to show any of that to her?
What changes in YOU is she seeing so she can feel safe around you?
THAT'S WHERE YOU BEGIN...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
