My revisions to the document were 4 notes, STBX wrote back 4 pages -- it really hurt me yet again.
Also went to dentist with my girls and got a lecture about D5 using the pacifier at night. Does the dentist think I want her to use a pacifier at night?? Of course not. I really hate getting a talking to from people who are so quick to judge and think its oh so easy to be a mom (not just a single mom) but any mom and deal with your children non stop.
It also hurts so so bad when I feel like someone "the dentist" is saying I am a bad mom cause it just affirms what I already think, that because my H left us I am a bad mom.
Anyway thank goodness I planned on going to a meeting tonight because the dentist almost sent me over the edge. So lucky to be able to write about it here. And go to a meeting and breathe in some sense.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I'm so sorry BK. I get that sense whenever I talk to S's counselor and she tells me the kids do not be in the middle of a war zone. I want to scream "this is not my doing! I didn't cause this!!! I'm not the one creating the war zone!"
But then I think they would be telling the H's the same thing. You know what the difference is? We care. We have a conscience. They don't. If they heard the words we heard, they wouldn't take that blame on themselves. They would blame us.
Hang in there BK. Raising kids is hard. Thank goodness they have you.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Hi BK! I was stopping by to say hi but now feel compelled to comment on your prior post.
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Also went to dentist with my girls and got a lecture about D5 using the pacifier at night. Does the dentist think I want her to use a pacifier at night?? Of course not. I really hate getting a talking to from people who are so quick to judge and think its oh so easy to be a mom (not just a single mom) but any mom and deal with your children non stop.
It also hurts so so bad when I feel like someone "the dentist" is saying I am a bad mom cause it just affirms what I already think, that because my H left us I am a bad mom.
OK lets look at this rationally, or not.... You are right, that bad old dentist with years of dental training and experience who knows a thing or two about oral health, really couldn't wait for you to come into the office just so they could reprimand your for forcing your daughter to use a pacifier. And gosh darn it, that very same dentist really does think that being a single mom is probably the easiest thing in the world and that you have your very own Mary Poppins to take care of the kids. And further, the dentist really does think you are a bad mom and just couldn't wait to prove the point when it was verified that your daughter still uses a pacifier.
In all seriousness, you really must stop the mind reading and ascribing motives and thoughts that others might be having. It isn't healthy. You need to start believing you are a strong and capable woman. Because you are! Just look how far you've come. But you should also not be afraid to ask for help when needed.
I read a story once about a man and his 3 kids getting on a subway car. The man took a seat and the kids were running all over the place. They were disrupting the other passengers and the father was just sitting there not even paying attention. Until one of the passengers angrily said something to the father. Something along the lines of, "Hey! Don't you see your kids are being disruptive? Why are you just sitting there, do something!" The father finally looked up and said, "I'm sorry, we are just coming back from the hospital. Their mother just died and we are headed home to make arrangements for the funeral."
Do you see how on a dime ones perceptions can completely change once more information is made available? How might your dentist have reacted if you had shared that the kids are going through a rough patch due to you and your husband splitting up. And if perhaps you asked for some guidance in how to break the pacifier habit or, if it really is that bad and can't it wait awhile longer?
Do you think the dentist might have offered some good advice? Do you think the dentist would have judged you?
I know you are going through a rough period. Just try to look at things from a different perspective and see if that doesn't help your thinking and self esteem.
((((BK)))))
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
You have to get those expectations in check or you are going to make yourself crazy.
This is what they do, the hurry up and wait stuff. doesnt mean anything either way unless you make attach something to it.
Who cares why he didnt respond back? Not your problem, right?
As long as you continue to have these expectations, you are not going to move forward.
And yes, people say things they shouldnt. And no one knows what someone is going through.
You know the truth, though, right?
You know how much you love your children and so do they. You know how hard you are trying and so do they.
Remember since he is out in lalaland, you are their touchstone. They are looking at you, even at this young age, to see how to navigate through life's struggles.
Show them how to do it with courage and strength. It is the greatest gift you can give them.
My ex is a dentist. That's a person who walked away from her kids, me, her friends, etc. Believe me when I tell you, and I know a lot of dentists from that period in my life, they are some serious freaks. Many of them good people but it takes a special person to look into somebody's mouth all day and like it
Keep it in context. You went to ask a dentist's advice. They are trained to "find" things to do related to your oraly hygiene. Kind of like asking a surgeon what to do: cut!
You do need to keep that in check. They are human just like you and don't know everything there is to know about people or dental matters. That's why they call it a science - so they can say they were wrong about something later based on new research and it'll be acceptable
The ex and his long email? What a surprise, right?
Keep it in perspective. You're fine. He's the one that wants to run away and wants to try and hurt. Your expectation that you can have a reasonable conversation is a little out of whack, but otherwise...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The dentist sounds like a d-bag. If you weren't so stressed about other stuff, it would roll off. You're doing great. Your back is against it and you're getting it done.
Hang in.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
2tp thanks for checking in on me and all the love in your post.
Wow kind of surprised with the response I got from writing about my annoying dentist.
I am glad I wrote about it because I havent thought about it since then. I can not control my feelings and the dentist lady made me feel like a piece of sh!t mom but I can control how I react to my feelings, and I think I succeeded by writing about how I felt on these boards and moving on. I also know that next time I go to the dentist I will ask to see her partner who is not so annoying.
AJM """He's the one that wants to run away and wants to try and hurt. Your expectation that you can have a reasonable conversation is a little out of whack, but otherwise..""""
I still struggle with believing that STBX is crazy or in crisis I still think maybe its all in my head, maybe he is a normal person still. I have always been told that I over react and I am too sensitive so deep inside I still think this whole thing is my fault. I am working on finding a more accurate truth.
Called my girls to say good nite and the babysitter was at his house with them. Kind of shocking. He has them every other weekend and according to my D5 he was out to dinner with his girlfriend.
He is a teenager. I dont know why I can't truly accept that.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I still struggle with believing that STBX is crazy or in crisis I still think maybe its all in my head, maybe he is a normal person still. I have always been told that I over react and I am too sensitive so deep inside I still think this whole thing is my fault. I am working on finding a more accurate truth.
I could have written this, it is soooo how I feel.
He is a teenager. I dont know why I can't truly accept that.
Have trouble with this too. However, for the first time since this started I read some of his twitter feeds... OMG could see "teenager" in big bold print. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I guess it is a bigger indication of where his head is at.
I still struggle with believing that STBX is crazy or in crisis I still think maybe its all in my head, maybe he is a normal person still. I have always been told that I over react and I am too sensitive so deep inside I still think this whole thing is my fault. I am working on finding a more accurate truth.
No, he's "a person" but normal? That's subjective. The difficulty in this is finding your perspective. If this was your friend you were talking to, who was telling you what's going on, what is it that you would think and say? That's perspective. The difference is that you have to live it. You're not "too sensitive" nor are you making this up. I'm not saying you're not more sensitive than your H can deal with, but that's his issue. You're... you and that's all you really can be. Or should be if you ask me.
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Called my girls to say good nite and the babysitter was at his house with them. Kind of shocking. He has them every other weekend and according to my D5 he was out to dinner with his girlfriend.
Not sure I see that as shocking at this point. Certainly very different from the person he presented to you before.
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He is a teenager. I dont know why I can't truly accept that.
It's not easy to compensate the sudden change. It'll take time to get there, but you will.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
