The remaining pieces of the puzzle are largely out of your hands. You cannot control your wife, you already realize this. All you can do is control how you react to her behaviors. She will have to adjust her dance in accordance with the steps that you take. One of Michelle's basic tenants is that if what you are doing is not working, then change what you are doing. So far, pretending that you are unaware of her affair, and trying to be a great husband to get her love back isn't working. Well, we don't want you to stop being a great husband, so no change is needed in this department. I submit that what is needed is for her to know that what she is doing to you is hurting you beyond measure, and that you wish her to stop. She needs to hear from you that you desire a great marriage with her, but you cannot tolerate infidelity in a marriage.
Well-stated.
Healthy boundaries are NOT ultimatums. Boundaries are all about what YOU will allow in YOUR life. The best analogy I've probably ever seen given on this forum was by a poster named Jayne, who said:
(change gender to be applicable, if necessary)
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
