pay no mind to the demons; they fill you w/fear

[Whiterose]

Another little update

H had his lawyer draw up an email to let me know that starting October he'll only be paying one mortgage payment a month, "in effort to move forward". Must be nice to have money to have your lawyer draw up your emails! I didn't respond.

Saturday I talked with S18 a little about how he felt about the fact that even if ah ever wanted to come back that I'd not take him back. I was emotional but he was very understanding. I told him I just don't respect H and his actions. That no man, regardless of his feelings, should forget and treat the mother of his children in the manner that I'm being treated. I said that H needs to understand that I am currently the parent loving and caring for his children and that he should be working with me to ensure their continued care and not trying to systematically destroy me in an effort to move forward in his new life. I told S18 that H will only be paying one mortgage payment knowing full well that my added income efforts are not fully in place yet, I have managed to secure a catering job for over $20/hr, with shifts I can choose around my other work schedule, but that the foster children coming into our home is still in the beginning stages and that H should never jeopardize food on the table especially knowing I'm making plans to move on but that it takes time. S18 shared that H was wondering about S14 not responding to text messages and S18 said "I don't know dad maybe because he's angry at you and hurt and confused!?!" (So proud that he spoke up for his brother and I said that) and H responded with "I know. I'm your dad and nothing will change that and he has to try harder" (I said that sounded positive but in my head thought ill believe it when I see it.....also, told S that it may take time for the.boys to trust their dad but that that was ok to feel too if its the case). Then S said how H said (LOVE THIS!!!) that he hopes this time next year we can all do family things together and picnics and dinners etc. just about choked while driving. I asked S to repeat so I understood correctly. I told S it would NEVER happen. That too much has gone on and we can be civil but I will never be his buddy. WTF!?!??! Maybe that was too much for S to hear but I was shocked and astounded and the suggestion. I wanted to ask S of H was on crack but stopped myself. Then I found out that H's sister called S18 last week and left a nasty message. After I had worked so hard to ensure that S was right in sharing his true feelings with H and he did she called to say
"You need to start making time for your dad and his side of the family and start making it all about my family. Your mom needs to stop playing the victim and understand that H is hurting too. You don't need to tell your mom about this conversation."
S did tell H and in H's defence he was very angry and told his S off, I think...who knows for real, but I AM LIVID!!!!!!! First off how DARE you phone my child to say something like that when it took him months to be able to share his feelings AND who gave her the right to say what he can and. Cannot share with me??? I asked S his thoughts (apparently he deleted the message without even listening to the entire thing) but said what do I care? I haven't heard from any of them and won't even hear from them until Christmas. They don't make time for me. I said that he was right. As the child it is their responsibility to make time for him and his brother and that two aunts have never contacted my children and his grandmother has made ONE email effort his attitude is justified. I reassure him he says every right to say what he needs to say to his dad and that if his aunt ever calls to say that again to remind her of MY cell number and to tell her to have a pleasant day. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the words I want to say!!!! How dare she?!?!??!? I want desperately to phone her and tell her off and then phone H and tell him to get his crazy a$$ family under control because mine is the one around and so if they don't like it I suggest they make changes to it! But, I won't. I'll be good.

I need H and his entire broken family to go away. Just go away and leave me and my boys in peace.

I'm vented. Thanks for listening