Window of opportunity or just a mirage

[2ndtimearoundCA]

"I am interested in other's stories relating to the kinds of things that happen when a breakthrough does happen..."

Breakthrough for who? You or your W? You don't understand that there is no magic bullet. It will take awhile for things to sort out.

Not me or my w; just the situation. What does it look like when "things sort out" to an outside observer? Not that it would be the same in every situation. I am just wondering about examples from success stories .. going from limbo to piecing. I mean I don't expect that one day a WAS will walk through the door and want to work on the M. ...

Anyway ... It is just me wanting to look for signs and I shouldn't have expectations...

Thank you for your response

[AnotherStander]

What does it look like when "things sort out" to an outside observer?

Often there's some watershed moment where the WAS asks to talk to the LBS, and often that conversation will last hours and involve the WAS expressing regrets for what's happened (not guilt over causing it, but just regret that it happened) and a desire to work on things. Unfortunately I've never experienced it, but I've read plenty of threads of others who have, and that conversation usually begins what most say is the hardest work of all. Yes DB'ing seems like a long, difficult process, but from what I've heard it's a shadow of the work that goes into piecing. By the time a couple gets to piecing the LBS has spent many long months doing research, introspection, maybe counseling, etc. They have grown and changed. Meanwhile the WAS has done absolutely nothing except indulge in the ultimate acts of selfishness. Well you can imagine throwing those two together to "patch things up"! The LBS has finished their journey and the WAS's journey is just beginning. The challenge for the LBS continues to be patience, things don't go "back to normal", a new relationship and marriage has to be built all over again.

[JayMan]

AnotherStander - you just described EXACTLY what happened to me about a week ago.

I can't stress enough how patience is the key. In the situation AS described above, that may be several months. Once the WAS figures things out, it's usually after destructive behavior. So, after the many months of DBing, THEN starts the work on the WAS, which will be in very stark contrast to the LBS.

One thing I knew coming in: my changes were for me, and my W would not have done ANYTHING, and I had to be prepared to be strong and weather the storm while she did what was necessary.

So, buckle up and hunker down!

[MrCAS]

By the time a couple gets to piecing the LBS has spent many long months doing research, introspection, maybe counseling, etc. They have grown and changed. Meanwhile the WAS has done absolutely nothing except indulge in the ultimate acts of selfishness.

Speaking for myself, I can see this.

By the time I started DBing, I knew I was in a bad place. My marriage was a mess. My life was a mess. My mind was a mess.

I worked hard to make changes and corrections. I read a lot. I went to counseling with my pastor and a psychologist. I came here and opened up myself like I have never done before.

So, now my W has no clue who I am. I don't act like I used to. I don't think like I used to. I don't react like I used to.

So when it comes down to it, I have to ask myself... Is the prize worth the price?

[Breakdown]

I really like what AS said above....it matches what I've read so far in piecing situations.

From my own experience, I've had a good number of "false starts." I want to believe W is changing, so I continue to let her in, only to get crushed when I realize she hasn't made any changes....she's just manipulating because she's afraid to face the consequences of her choices.

So with that, I'm now waiting to see if W ever shows me something different. Every couple of weeks she starts in on how sorry she is, and how she loves me, but her actions don't match. As Mach1 once told me, she's really fighting hard to not hit bottom...and she won't start changing until after she gets there.

Another thing that rings true to me is that "the WAs has to really lose you, before they can come back to you." In my case, W really never lost me...at least until recently. I finally decided to move on with my life, and while I still have hope she'll figure things out, it no longer means reconciliation to me.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Often there's some watershed moment where the WAS asks to talk to the LBS, and often that conversation will last hours and involve the WAS expressing regrets for what's happened (not guilt over causing it, but just regret that it happened) and a desire to work on things.

Does this "watershed moment" happen out of the blue? Or are there signs that it might be coming?

I can logically see that if I ever get to piecing, it will likely be harder than DBing is now. But before I am actually there, it is hard to even imagine that reality.

So when it comes down to it, I have to ask myself... Is the prize worth the price?

I think that a lot myself.

[MrCAS]

I can logically see that if I ever get to piecing, it will likely be harder than DBing is now.

Yes. I can say that the first time I went through this with my W that it is hard. It is hard to put aside the past and focus on the future. It is hard not to hold grudges. It is hard not harbor thoughts and feelings.

But before I am actually there, it is hard to even imagine that reality.

So, quit thinking about it. Why expend energy on something that is not happening yet? It is like wishing to win the Lottery. You can only imagine all the things you might do... I just think that wishing for the Lottery is more fun.

[MrCAS]

Does this "watershed moment" happen out of the blue? Or are there signs that it might be coming?

When it happened to me the first time it just happened one Sunday. It was hard because i felt unprepared. That won't happen again if the opportunity ever arose.

However, I believe that I am at a point where I have changed my thinking so far to a point that I am unsure if I could be patient enough to allow her to catch up.

DBing changes our lines of thought. When those thought processes are radically changed, how can it not change the dynamics of the relationship?

What we have to ponder is if we are able or wanting or capable of dealing with those changes.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thank you all for your responses.

Nothing new to report in my situation. W has not reached out to me now for support or to schedule hanging out since Saturday of Labor Day weekend. It hasn't been that long, but it feels like she has backed way off to me. We haven't seen each other since August 14; two things that we discussed doing since then have fallen through.

I have been spending time with others and having fun, but I am really missing my w. I am thinking about sending a "thought of you, hope you're well" type of text. But I am also considering just waiting for a while to see if she reaches out to me.

[MrCAS]

I wouldn't send that text. That is not detaching.