The emotional ups and downs from the conversation with X has subsided for the most part..
For awhile - I had beaten myself up over what she had said. Taking ownership for all the fear she felt. Feeling so bad that she felt so much shame and guilt and wishing that I could take it away. There is still such a huge part of me that hurts when she hurts.
Like a good little hamster, I jumped on my wheel. Thinking how could I fix the situation, how could I fix her opinion of me. Somehow I twisted so much of what she said that I turned her truth into my truth and started to believe that I hadn't really changed at all.
And then awesomeness happened. I interviewed to AD a network show. This is a big deal in my industry as assistant directors are responsible for keeping the production of the show on schedule. There is alot of risk and alot of reward.
I totally got the job. I couldn't have been more excited. However when I called to confirm and discuss details in the morning - I had been informed that the dates had shifted and if I wanted to take the job, I would have to not be part of one my best friends wedding.
Missing the bachlorette party would have been fine, but I couldn't miss the actual wedding. My friends have been my rock for 2 years.. it was a no brainer that although this was a great opportunity - the timing wasn't right.
The producer of the Discovery show completely understood and we made a promise to keep in touch.
When I got off the phone - I was overwhelmed with appreciation. No fear that "I missed my shot". No sadness over the loss of money.
Just grateful. I'm so thankful to be there for my friend. She has been such a huge blessing in my life. I am so thankful for all the changes I have been making in myself. I am nowhere near perfect but my career continues to get better because of the positive changes.
And that's when I fell off my hamster wheel. I HAVE changed. I am not that person that X thinks I am.
Although I completely can understand her fear... there is very little I can do about it.
I believe that the last four months I did show her a kind Val. I worked hard to freak out only on the inside and not take it out on her.
I can't do anything about her being triggered by me expressing myself. If I come at it in a loving action, it's up to her to do the same work I do when she triggers me.
I can't do anything about her shame and guilt. I didn't make the decisions, she did. Those are consequences to her actions.
I know I don't shame her or guilt her but I can't walk on eggshells either. I can't chose not to remain silent because I am fearful she will see it as shame or guilt.
I do require a foundation of trust to emotionally connect. I know she doesn't require it, but I do..with her.. and the fact that she sees that as "work" is something I can't control.
She has her issues to work through..And I need to continue to let her go to do it.
She said that she was open to things happening naturally and reaching out without pressure that if it doesn't happen.. that's ok.
I'm not opposed to that - but the truth is.. I have nothing to reach out to her about.
When I have successes - I want to reach out and celebrate with the folks that have been watching/pushing/supporting me this whole time.
When I have struggles - it is the same thing.
She is not that person. She is a ghost of my past... and as much as I wish that weren't the case, It takes two to have a friendship.
I no longer want to be in this state of limbo. In my heart I know I am "not done" with her.. but I can't stay here any longer.
Cause when I do, I miss opportunities. Like with this new friend. She is seeing someone else and although we are creating this amazing friendship - I can't help but wish I would have been more emotionally ready.
It not something I will beat myself up over as I do believe that all things that are suppose to happen will happen...
.. but I feel as long as I'm here.. trying to work on something solo.. I can't be there - potentially working on something great with someone else.
I hope that makes sense.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
