No R talks but still kinda quiet together. Much less tension in the air though… I’ve learned that she’s gonna do what she wants to do, so I no longer worry so much about what I say or do. Just be my normal self and do/say what I want. if she wants to connect, great, I’m there. If she’s withdrawn into her own MLC world, that’s ok too, I leave her to it and don’t try to fix things/make her happy. That used to be my job it seems.
When we got there we learned Dad went to the Tractor show the day before, and so now didn’t want to go again with us! We thought the plan was for us 3 to go together. This sent W into an immediate bad place. She told me “I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m really aggravated right now." I said “Oh, I can tell” and left it at that! Not my problem to fix.
So, while W laid on the bed having a pity party, Dad and I got on to conversing. I told him the miscommunication regarding the show was not a problem. We were just happy to spend some time with him.
He made mention of “Is W really tired” and “Does she ever get really mean and bite someone’s head off?... That’s what her Mom used to do!” I avoided commenting too much on this, and instead kept the conversation pleasant.
Later, I helped Dad put up a beam in one of the rooms. We got along well and he was appreciative. Dad actually lives near us, but visits this out of state property every other week or so throughout the summer… and begs the kids to come up and spend some time with him, so W and I were both glad we did.
Before bed, W and I played 3 games of chess… it was actually fun!
On the way home we visited W’s aunt, to drop off a basket of veggies from Dad’s gardens. Here we had a very pleasant time, and I was even able to make W laugh at a few of my jokes! Not an easy feat since she's been in crisis. Aunt really likes me, and who could blame her! We really need to visit her a little more often.
Oh, and sorry to say RL, but the sleeping arrangements were tough. W and I ended up sharing a small cot for a few hours, trying not to touch each other. Thankfully, Dad always leaves for home around 1-2 am, and then I was able to jump ship into his bed. We slept well after that.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I like to read your posts. You are in a good place emotionally and mentally and that makes me smile. You handled your w's upset about the change of plans so well. Funny how they can't roll with the punches when there is a change of plans. She did get over it and didn't let it ruin the rest of your trip so that is a positive.
An interesting comment that you fil made about how w's mom use to behave. You were only there for one day which was good. No telling how she would have reacted had you spent and entire night on that small cot! LOL One of you would have ended up sleeping on the floor and it probably wouldn't have been her.
Overall it sounds like it was a pretty good trip, not great but not a trip from he!! either. And how could your wife not laugh at your jokes? Don't worry, she'll be laughing at your jokes and more in due time.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. We share the same thoughts about staying connected and the best ways to do that. It doesn't work for everyone but it's nice to be able to compare notes with someone else than can "get away" with saying things that might send other mlcers into a tirade or off running. Cautiously and carefully dipping a toe in there now and then is a good way to test their progress.
BTW, I did an updo one day but it was on a day that he didn't stop by so I'm now perfecting the "do" so that it can't be copied by the ow!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Thanks for stopping by my thread. We share the same thoughts about staying connected and the best ways to do that. It doesn't work for everyone but it's nice to be able to compare notes with someone else than can "get away" with saying things that might send other mlcers into a tirade or off running. Cautiously and carefully dipping a toe in there now and then is a good way to test their progress.
Ya just gotta know when to not say when!
I think it makes us look strong when we say things that show us standing up for ourselves, expressing our real thoughts.
And since the goal is to eventually reconnect fully, why not try to stay connected as much as possible, if at all possible? Better than starting all over from scratch, I'd say. But it does depend on the sitch. If they pull away hard and fast, there's not much chance of us staying connected with 'em.
Quote:
BTW, I did an updo one day but it was on a day that he didn't stop by so I'm now perfecting the "do" so that it can't be copied by the ow!
I wish I could see it, I bet it's hot.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I stopped in work this afternoon, and when I got home W had GF at our house and they were enjoying some wine together. We all talked for a few minutes and I mentioned that W and I played chess last night. So then the girls decided they wanted to play backgammon.
Neither remembered how to play, so as they stumbled through reading the rules they started to argue, and laugh. Then they texted MMF (millionaire man friend) saying things like "how do you play, the other girl is cheating!" He apparently is as wise as he is rich and replied that he's not getting in the middle of this, he wants to keep both as friends! They thought this was really funny.
I was in and out of the room as I prepared a pizza for us, and they seemed to have nothing to hide. They also reminded me of kids the way they were fighting/playing. Even after GF went home, W engaged with me about this some more, laughing about the silliness of it all.
GF and W were also childhood friends, who met back up a few years ago, and only started hanging out together after W's crisis hit.
Your thoughts???
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Since I didn't open this thread with a song, and didn't want you, my faithful followers, to feel cheated, (Just say NO to cheaters!) I pulled out this hot number by Alice Cooper. We both hope you find it somewhat appropriate, maybe even amusing!
I'm Eighteen
Lines form on my face and hands Lines form from the ups and downs Well, I'm in the middle without any plans I'm a boy (or girl) and I'm a man (or woman)
I'm eighteen And I don't know what I want I'm eighteen I just don't know what I want I'm eighteen I gotta get away Well, I gotta get out of this place I'll go runnin' in outer space, yeah
Well, I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart Took (30/40/50/60) years to get this far Don't always know what I'm talkin' about Feels like I'm livin' in the middle of doubt
I'm eighteen I get confused every day I'm eighteen I just don't know what to say I'm eighteen I gotta get away Well, I gotta get out of this place I'll go runnin' in outer space, yeah
As always, thanks for following. DB MLC board>>>>
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I stopped in work this afternoon, and when I got home W had GF at our house and they were enjoying some wine together. We all talked for a few minutes and I mentioned that W and I played chess last night. So then the girls decided they wanted to play backgammon.
Neither remembered how to play, so as they stumbled through reading the rules they started to argue, and laugh. Then they texted MMF (millionaire man friend) saying things like "how do you play, the other girl is cheating!" He apparently is as wise as he is rich and replied that he's not getting in the middle of this, he wants to keep both as friends! They thought this was really funny.
I was in and out of the room as I prepared a pizza for us, and they seemed to have nothing to hide. They also reminded me of kids the way they were fighting/playing. Even after GF went home, W engaged with me about this some more, laughing about the silliness of it all.
GF and W were also childhood friends, who met back up a few years ago, and only started hanging out together after W's crisis hit.
Cadet: Alice is a rock and roll innovator, legend, and survivor who just released his 25th album and set out on tour. He also hosts a radio show 5 nights a week that airs on over 100 stations around the world. I find him extremely interesting and entertaining. Google “nights with Alice Cooper” to learn more.
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Wife is planning to do a complete makeover on “her” bedroom, including getting a new bed. Mentioned how GF did up her bedroom all by herself so she should be able to also. Positive thing, right? Or at least not negative.
It sounds like she wants to do it by herself, so I’ll back off, but be there if she needs help. (like extra muscles)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
What I hear in your posts is that W needs to find her own identity. Not defined by you or the M. That is exactly what my H said to me. But he really focused on that as his "identity" issue when he pressed for D last fall.
It does seem to me that for you to be stepping back and allowing W to redefine who she is, whilst still at home, is a good thing.
I didn't get to see all of H's struggles while he had moved out, in the same way you get to see W's.
I would be worrying about MMF, if it was me. I'm so glad you don't hafta worry about that, since you're not me!
I think you are doing exactly the right things...GAL activities, self-confidence, aloof-yet-available, etc.
I think that the in-house sitches seem to really drag on. My H moving out really pushed him to a crisis.
Also...to share about this side of reconnex with the idea of our spouse's new identity. I am so happy to see my H reaching out in new activities like golf, for example. He told me he doesn't want that to be "our" sport. Just his. And he seems to love to tell me all about It, show me his phone app after he plays, go to sports bars with me and watch it...just doesn't want me to play it with him. I can be his cheering section though and he loves that!
I am stepping a bit into his world by having joined a different health club than he attends. He visited mine as a personal trainer for me a couple of weeks ago and spent two hours helping me get a routine of exercises.
Now he really is very interested in my progress, in a more real way.
And I stepped into his world of late-night-dancing last Sat. night. It was an H I had never seen before, and somewhat of a morphed-H b/c he had developed some "moves" and ways about him that were brand-new. I just had to be careful not to be shocked by any of it and go with the flow, laughing along the way, and being there for him every step of the way, which is what he wanted.
I'm constantly aware of the need for us to have these separate identities. It makes the M SO much better, but that won't happen in your sitch, I don't think, until your W feels strong enough to be with you where you don't overpower her. Just musing.
Glad to read all your updates, as usual rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
You are correct, it is all about finding her identity, and she has to do that without any help from me. I sometimes think she would get through this faster if she did leave our home. But who knows what would happen then. Anyway, it's all up to her, I'm not pushing her out. (yet!)
MMF is no threat to me, W's told me plenty about him. I don't think she'd continue to tell me about someone she's interested in having a relationship with. He's 65, D twice (says he's tired of giving away houses ) ...plus I've seen his pic! Then again, I know my hot looking W has danced with him, and he is still a man... maybe reason enough for me to offer him a free TKD lesson?
"I think you are doing exactly the right things...GAL activities, self-confidence, aloof-yet-available, etc."
Thanks for this. I'm convinced this is the best course to take.
It's funny you mentioned H and his golf. Wife started running early on, and started crying once because she feared I might move in on her new activity.
"I'm constantly aware of the need for us to have these separate identities. It makes the M SO much better, but that won't happen in your sitch, I don't think, until your W feels strong enough to be with you where you don't overpower her."
I look forward to being invited into W's new world. My buddy and I were just talking about this tonight. I always wished she would open up like she has been doing. Just wished she could do it with me. Yes I mean that both ways.
I'm not sure how I could "overpower" her though. Do you say this because I'm more confident than she is?
I also joined a local "Divorce Support" meet up group. We meet up next Tuesday. I just want to learn more, meet some new people, see how it goes.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi FY, just catching up. Interesting that you feel that your W would plow thru her MLC and find her identity faster if she was not living in the house with you.
"I look forward to being invited into W's new world. My buddy and I were just talking about this tonight. I always wished she would open up like she has been doing. Just wished she could do it with me. Yes I mean that both ways"
It makes me sad that your W is seeking to find her identity (a new improved identity I guess) and although she is successfully finding herself and opening up, she is still blocking you out. What you said about her crying once because she was afraid you would "move in" on her activity when she started running is pretty telling. One thing I fear with my H over in Moscow is that I know it will change him forever, but I will not see the ways he will change, I won't know why or how. I hope some day soon you two will be running together, and that W will confide in you, dance with you, talk to you, in addition to sharing with her other friends. That intimacy is what I miss most in my marriage. I'm thrilled to hear that rH is getting it back in her Marriage, and think you will be soon too, FY.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
We really need to visit her a little more often.
