bug- Thanks for your questions. They are very valid and thought-provoking.
The answer to the question if I ever thought of leaving my M in past? I resounding NO! Never. I thought (erroneously) that my M are good. Solid. Unbreakable.
So all of this was a shock to me.
Do I really want my M to be over. No. But, I feel like it already is. I don't feel M any more. Don't love my H like I used to. Don't respect him or trust him.
I think all the time about what I should/shouldn't do. Now that things have shifted a bit...H is NC OW and he is spending more time around house and has definitely softened toward him, I feel like I need to just wait and see how I feel in a couple of months.
I am quite sure H is not going to do anything any time soon. Neither am I, so we just keep moving forward...in what direction, I'm not sure.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Its good to take it slow and let yourself find your direction rather than finding yourself caught up on a path taking you places you don't want to go on.
You sound good and I like hearing that you are enjoying your work.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
The answer to the question if I ever thought of leaving my M in past? I resounding NO! Never. I thought (erroneously) that my M are good. Solid. Unbreakable.
Once again it's like you're inside my head and expressing my thoughts It's downright eerie
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Do I really want my M to be over. No. But, I feel like it already is. I don't feel M any more. Don't love my H like I used to. Don't respect him or trust him.
Ditto. I was thinking about this exact thing this morning when I was mowing (I have an acre and it takes over an hour to mow it, time spent just sitting on the mower riding back and forth, it's the best thinking time I have each week, LOL!) Do I want to stay married to the woman I knew and loved for 25 years? Absolutely. But she doesn't exist anymore; that loving, caring, selfless woman has simply vanished and has been replaced by a selfish, cold-hearted person that is completely alien to me. And I do NOT want to be married to her. That is not who I married, that is not who I had children with and spent decades with. Could I built a relationship with this new person? Sure, and I might consider it for my kids' sake. But frankly I don't want to, my heart's not in it. And thus far hers isn't either.
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Now that things have shifted a bit...H is NC OW and he is spending more time around house and has definitely softened toward him, I feel like I need to just wait and see how I feel in a couple of months.
ruby, AS, bustin, bug, Tori, PS, FY, BF--you are my peeps! Thanks for your continued support here!
AS- You are right that our situations are eerily similar & that our thought-processes are very parallel. WOnder if our next chapters are also to be on the same road?
Been very busy with work and kids' new schedules--running around everywhere--to baseball, soccer, gymnastics, piano, boy scouts, cross country....life with active boys!
Last weekend was very interesting for me. Friday night I relented to go to a movie solo (sort of a forced alone time, as H had boys), but ended up actually texting and talking to 5 different guys at various times while waiting for movie at movie bar. Now, I have to say I initiated texted to one friend :), but 2 other friends texted me & then I talked to bartender and a guy sitting next to me!
All were very innocent conversations, but fun!
New, weird development...a long-time work friend is having major M problems (very similar to mine) and he & I have known & talked about our sitch's pre- BD. This weekend he went away with a guy friend & we texted during his "drunken" state of mind.
He tells me he thinks I am "gorgeous" and always has. Fine, I think, he's drunk.
Well, the next morning I texted him to see how he was doing and he replies, "Fine, thank you, Gorgeous!" Not drunk, of course.
So, I get a HUGE knot in my gut telling me this is NOT good...he and I CANNOT be anything but friends...not that his telling me I am gorgeous means anything, but it certainly crossed lines never before crossed.
I talked to him briefly today at work, but another co-worker was around so our convo was very "workish." I don't know if I should say anything or just let his comments go without addressing them.
I could be completely out of line, but his friendship means so much to me, I don't want things to get awkward or for us not to be there for each other in these rough times (as we have for a long time).
He is DBing to save his M, too, so I know he so wants his M to work. But, I know he is in a very precarious place right now too.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Oh, then Saturday I see cute guy and his son out playing together and got the opportunity to talk to him briefly and play with his son for a few minutes.
His S3 invited me in for lunch!!! Cute guy didn't hear as he was far away, but that would have been interesting!!
Anyway, Sat night S10 had a b-day party at a lasertag place. H & both went both drove separately. We talked while boys played games (I would normally have played at least 1 game but was in a very grumpy place).
H & I talked fairly "normally" & even talked about our sitch and how different people are confused why we haven't "moved forward/divorces" yet. We agreed it wasn't black & white like some people might think.
In talking with him I can't help but realize how differently he is to me. I know I am not in the majority here to say this, but I don't see him and wish for us to R anymore. At least not the person he has transformed into. I don't long for him to want me back either. I look at him for who he is now. I look at him like somewhere there once was in him a man I loved so deeply I would do anything to get him back. I see his faults. I see his betrayal. I see a "broken" man.
But, I am not innocent either. I don't claim to be- never have. I am equally at fault for our M to be where it is. And, ultimately I may be the one to walk away.
A friend said something that stuck with me today...he said, "If you don't do anything different, then nothing will change...and things could go on indefinitely like they are."
That scared me, because I could see how I might become "content" with my H continuing to come to the house to see the boys at will, hanging out here at random given times, offering no hope or emotional anything (except to show increasing concern about WHO I am going out with and WHO I am texting).
Thus leaving me "stuck" for a very long time wanting more and more the connection that has been gone for so long.
I feel myself being pulled in a direction that allows me to find a connection... cute guy, thinking about dating, thinking about D. It's scary, but I feel the pull stronger and stronger.
I so pray for strength and guidance!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
How could you be "content" if you're not getting what you want/need?
You said this above:
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I am equally at fault for our M to be where it is. And, ultimately I may be the one to walk away.
What have you done about those things that are faults? You are in control of how this goes. Don't jump too fast because of a fear of being alone, you could quite possibly end up in the same R, different guy. I'm not sure you've figured out you yet.
There's another saying, No matter where you go, there you are.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
keep taking it slow. time is your friend to figure out what you want and be in control of that. try and not worry what MAY happen (being stuck) and think about what is NOW. Doing something different could be just focusing on wonderful you.
(((((GTO))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I agree with Bug. Focus on growing and learning, GTO.
I also see a good deal of fear and worry in your words. These are huge roadblocks to make decisions and to continue growing as a person. You are safe. Remind yourself of that.
Resentment is a big one for you too. You need to give yourself time to heal.
