If you recall my nephew (H's brother's son) came to live with us for a year. Well, he went back home yesterday. He was asked to leave his place of work experience (the school I work at) as he was simply unable to follow the rules and expectations he was given. It was a tough week (he was let go last week). Very emotional and stressful. HIs father and family were very disappointed in him and were H and myself. I had several talks with him about turning inwards and being authentic with himself. Not running from his problems and facing his insecurities and fears head on (DB style!). He is only 18 I know. I do however think a little bit got through. I wish him the best and we miss him dearly. He will probably go into the armed forces for a few years.
It was hard to have him go for other reasons too. Me and the kids kind of feel like 'someone is leaving us again'. Of course I know it is not the case, but thats how it felt the day we found out he was leaving. I actually blocked it out for 12 hours before I let myself accept it and deal with it for what it was.
I continue to remain focused on the here and now. I am enjoying my time with the kids, GAL and work. I have heard whispers from a couple of sources that things with H and OW are in a downwards spiral.
I have observed, sometimes interestingly, that WHEN we text lately (always with a reason: kids, nephew, etc) the interaction is more pleasant and friendly. There has been some more interest in the kids' emotional states. There is a response. I even got a funny comment and a smiley face at one point. I do not let it change me or my path. nor do I take it as a sign or put meaning into it. If anything, if he has really split up with OW, I only hope he uses time alone to start figuring out his path and who he wants to be. I pray that its to focus on being an engaged father once again. He is still living in Dubai, still claiming its for work. Nothing has changed for the reality of the sitch for me and the kids.
Me and the kids have booked a holiday for our mid semester break in October. We are going on a 4 day safari in Kenya! we are SOOOO excited. Its the first trip I book for me and the kids without H, and an actual holiday (i.e. not travelling to Egypt or Germany to go see family).
I am starting to feel more and more 'normal' (the new normal) about mine and the kids' life. I finally can see the turbulence H brings when he comes and I do not welcome it.
I also sometimes feel shocked when i think of what has happened in the past three years. The reality of my sitch still amazes me. It does not however, define me anymore. Its a part of me. I now choose though who I want to be every single day. I feel lonely more often. But not in a desperate way. I am happy with myself. I have no problems or fear anymore being alone or spending time alone. I am recognising though that I do crave being able to share my life with another adult as well as my kids. For now, this is where I am supposed to be and I am focused on enjoying each moment. Even when the kids drive me insane :-)
Love you all x
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
