My head spins too much lol. I should tell you this morning after that she asked me to skip church and make a big family breakfast. I hadn't missed a Sunday in 10 or more months, the boys were both suffering allergy symptoms, and so I did.
I guess that's what confuses me. I just do. I looked at is as a 180! I don't skip church.
Blast away! Lol
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
What W texted you was eerily familiar...I kinda had a PTSD flashback for a minute...
But yeah, if the finances are at risk, you have to do what you have to do for the kids and yourself. Does your state have "financial separation" as a non-D choice?
What I did was setup my own individual bank account and from there I distributed funds to the joint account, which was what W had to work with, since at the time she was SAHM.
At the very least, you may want to do something like that, along those lines, so you can preserve the family finances, and let W fund herself, herself. She is already out of the house, so let her live her choice, imo. The KIDS and YOU is your prime directive at the moment, and foreseeable future.
Be sure to check out your plans/ideas with a L, don't want any negative precedent like abandonment, etc should it come down to D...
Seems like she is running hard atm, and I noticed with my W that she cycled through various phases, modes, stages and impulses, each "spin cycle" seemed to take her a step forward, though it "appeared" she was taking a step back....
If you file for separation, you don't "need" to move onto someone else "too much" right away...right? I wouldn't myself, I figure there is too much "me" to explore and learn about, heck redoing the house would be a months long project at the least......just sayin'
Hang in there my friend, but do the needful for the kids and you...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Jesus himself said you don't "need" a church, so I think you're safe skipping "just this once"...
And yeah, it is a good 180, since W expects you to NOT miss it...you just showed her and the kids (and yourself) that you can be different, can be flexible...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
And I do still love you, but I'm not coming home. I don't know what the future holds for us.... Don't wait for me. Have fun. Enjoy life. Open doors. Make new friendships. Live in the present like it's your last day on Earth, because it could be! Whatever happens with us will be ok.
Mtnman I read this post earlier today and have been thinking about it. I love what the other posters said, of course.
She says she is not coming home. I read that as she is not coming home right now. She isn't ready.
The advice she gives to you sounds like advice she wants to live with and abide for herself right now.
She must feel some internal pressure from herself or from you that she isn't healing yet and feels guilt about not coming back. She wants to make it all look good spiritually, I think, like its not her fault. And, in some ways, it isn't.
About this time last year, H and I had been on a roll with good texting, visits, dinners, etc. and then suddenly he distanced himself and started heading for deeper depression and wanting D. I was so scared. For me. For him. For our boys.
As I have read your sitch, my gut feeling has been its gonna get worse before it gets better but I didn't wanna say so.
Hold on, Mtnman. This part gets really tough. But you can do it. You have done it. You've demonstrated positive changes and kept them. You've loved when it hurts. You've kept the family operating together on as many points as possible.
To me...letting go....means understanding our spouse's desire for distance as a hurt cry for help. And then attending to our own wounds as they attend to theirs.
My H continued the mantra "I'm never coming back" so long I many times believed him. It hurt to hear it each time. When he would feel himself creeping closer, he would remind us both I'm never coming back. See? It will never work. B/c I said I was never coming back and I meant it. I can't go back. And on and on in like manner. Often. Like he was trying to convince himself.
Meanwhile, I continued to work on the positive changes. Made myself the true prize. I felt like if he was never coming back, I wanted to make sure he knew he was giving up the treasure of a lifetime!
Hold on, dear Mtnman!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
If I were to truly "let go" to me it would mean moving on and finding someone else. Does that make sense?
So you need another person to let her go?
No that does not make sense.
As far as filing for separation, I would let her do that work, I would not do it for her.
But Letting Go means that you love her enough to let her carry out her choices and feelings.
Re-read what she wrote to you
Originally Posted By: Mrs M
So stop worrying about us. Stop worrying in general. Don't wait for me. Have fun. Enjoy life. Open doors. Make new friendships. Live in the present like it's your last day on Earth, because it could be!
She is saying GAL, detach, LetGO
I am saying - Show her that you are going to be OK no matter what she chooses to do.
I need to type what Jules told Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction when he knew The Wolf was being sent. Haha. Not really board friendly. I do love that movie.
I feel like I have Cadet. I coach soccer for youngest, I'm too involved in church (teacher, committee chair, serve on most), I work full time and every second of every day is booked. I didn't mean to say I need a female to be complete, but it's all I have left to move on.
I'm not ready for that, so not sure what's left.
Thanks for your advice. I'm grateful for it!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
rH!!! Wow all the pros chiming in today. I think the pressure is part me (the finances talk), and part S6, and mostly her. S6 will hardly stay at her place and begs her to come home and do stuff with us. That has to gnaw at her.
I truly feel as if I've done all I can to GAL. I'm having the best time with my boys. I've found pure joy in coaching. I'm in the best shape I've been in in 10 years.
The people on this board continually amaze me. Thanks to you all.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
W "feels" you holding on, and it makes her pull away harder. Show her you are not working on saving the M, and have let go. Might not hurt to even tell her, since she's telling you.
Did you reply to the text in any manner?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
