W told me as I was out the door last night for my evening out ( ) that she walked to talk, but she wasn't feeling good and wasn't sure, and I had my plans already, sooooo, we agreed to talk tonight after she gets home from work.
Keeping my brain from speculating requires some effort, lol!
We had a mini-"almost R talk" the other night. I did tell her as part of the mini R talk last night that I was proud of her, doing this job with her social anxiety, how hard that must be (basically like my post on here)and I was proud that she was so successful at it, and doing something good in the world. And it was honest enthusiasm from me, and that did generate quite the smile.
But I did express my frustration at the lack of comms about some household things, and I thought that saying "We need to communicate" was a "team" way of saying it, but W didn't take it like that. She took it as authoritarian, which surprised me. I later emailed her and told her I now understand how she could have taken it that way, after sanity checking with some people.
During the talk she mentioned "the last 4 years" so she is aware, fog thinned out quite a bit? Hmm.
Yesterday morning I sent her a text, a drive-by "happy truth dart" of sorts (and an intentional pursuit) after reading Wonks'a post on Raine's thread about the what the mlc'er fears, and I think it fits right in with W:
"Hi, I want to make sure you know that I hold no bad feelings or judgments for anything in the past. Clean slate. The past is passed. "
No response to it, which doesn't mean anything, it could be just too much for her to respond to atm, except last night she wanted to talk...idk.
Guess we will find out this evening...minor stuff, or the biggies: R or D. My gut is quiet, which surprises me, but I better focus on keeping my brain quiet and/or distracted. A beautiful cool front has come through bringing the temp down to the high 70's...this IS my kind of weather so should find plenty to do!
Oh, and happy 2 year anniversary of BD to me! Whoop! And Sept 2009 was when OM1 got heavy and in EA mode with W, soooo, double whoop to 4 years!!
<ack!--- Hairball>
Lol...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You and your wife have come a long way. The journey isn't over yet, but it's getting closer to the finish line.
Cooler weather makes it so much more pleasant to be outside doing things. Don't over do the projects!
Continue to be patient.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hey T! Just checking up on you and your sitch. I've had lots of R and D talks sprung on me, but never had one scheduled. Yikes! I'm glad your gut is quiet about it; you're pretty perceptive, so hopefully W just wants to discuss some big purchase or something about her job. No matter what, I know you'll do great validating as always.�
Happy double whammy anniversary. My H started EA#1 four years ago this month too. September has been a month of big changes for us also over the past 4 years. Here's hoping it turns out to be a good month with lots of positive changes, changes for the better, for you.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thank you RL! I am glad your eye work seems to be successful!
Ok, so W was too tired to have her "talk" after work, lots going on "politically", busy, etc. She just wanted to take a bath and then hit bed since she works tomorrow. I expected this as a very high probability event, so no big deal. Totally okay with it. I offered my usual "let me know if you want or need anything" and off I went about my business.
She texts me a little bit later...
"Thank you for telling this (my text to her yesterday). Sorry I didn't respond before now. This is what I was going to say last night "
Here again is what I sent her:
""Hi, I want to make sure you know that I hold no bad feelings or judgments for anything in the past. Clean slate. The past is passed. smile ""
I texted back verifying what she texted me. She meant the same thing I did....
So, seems like she has maybe worked through her grievances/etc she harbored against me?
Any thoughts, comments, translations into "man-speak", Wonka insight, etc., are welcome, as always...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, She's working through her issues and is just making sure that you are still there for her. She doesn't want you to harbor any ill will towards her or her behaviors from the past. Your response was a good one. T2, she needs reassurances that you are still there for her. I know you do this in your own way, but continue to do so as she is still a wee bit fragile.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When MLCers start to come out of their tunnel, it is a very sensitive and tender stage. They are emotionally fragile and very tentative. This is the MOST critical stage for standers to be more sensitive, nurturing, and supportive to the MCLer while STFU on your own pain and resentments.
It takes a while for us to process and work through our own issues and becoming whole again. Opened ended questions will help in getting the MLCer to see their stuff in new light and come to new insights & understandings. Don't try to fix them. In an odd way, you are the MENTOR to the MLCer at this stage.
Do mentors dump their problems, issues and hurts on their mentees? No, they don't. Right. Now this is how you will need to approach things with your W going forward as she is dancing at the tunnel's opening...but not yet fully out of it. She's comfortable at that spot for the time being. It is okay for her.
Wonka thank you so much for this! I will copy it to my "Wonka's Advice" file. But how do we know when the MLCer is starting to come out of the tunnel? Or is it okay to just always be sensitive, nurturing, and supportive while STFU and giving them all that space? That's what I try to do, to be what Coach Chuck refers to as "lovely wife" but only when my H approaches me first. ??
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
) that she walked to talk, but she wasn't feeling good and wasn't sure, and I had my plans already, sooooo, we agreed to talk tonight after she gets home from work.
Lmao...