We talk a lot, current events, kids, work. There's also some talk about things that were issues in the past but only in terms of how those things are different now. I think that's good because I don't want to drag that old stuff forward, I think it's better just to deal with issues in the present.
WOA is my LL. I had a low tire on Fri, stopped by the tire store and they couldn't get it done right away, so they aired it up. Yesterday morning is was even lower and I didn't want to drive and take the chance of it going flat on the road. So I examined the possibilities and chose to put the spare on and drive to the tire shop, drop the tire off if need be, run my errands and pick it up later.
After I told H this story and he took it in stride, I said "I need to hear that you appreciate that I can do those things and then show up here looking like this (I looked fabulous)." He said, "I do, I think it's awesome." "But I need to hear that" "You are awesome" and he said it with heart.
Maybe not so artfully handled but it's getting my needs out there. Our M was filled with incidents where I felt unappreciated for doing things like the above. A little praise goes a long way, especially to a WOA person. I now know I need that and it's OK to express it.
The other key to all this for me is that old standby, staying in the moment.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This is a big one for me because I heard from early on that you shouldn't "toot your own horn", be prideful or have vainglory. Even typing it was difficult, so I have to get it out there. It even went so far as if you did something good and then drew attention to it then you weren't acting from a pure heart.
Sheesh, I could go on but I won't, you get the picture.
Building new neural pathways one step at a time.
Thanks, SD!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bug, I commend you for speaking your needs and asking for it. I too felt unappreciated in our M. I was the primary bread winner for a number of years, and I also did a lot of things in the house. My H believes in equal rights, so we shared all chores in the house, expect he would do the remodel and repairs mostly by himself. But even then I helped where I could. I took my car for oil change and other work when needed. I did change a flat tire once. I also cooked nice dinners and sewed missing buttons on his shirts. I remember for the last few years I felt unappreciated, but I bottled up my feelings, and eventually it all grew into resentment. But I also was the same way. I said thanks for everything H did, but I hardly expressed any feelings. Looking on this from different prospective, if H would tell me that he needed to hear WOA, I would try to address it then. And now, even better, I’m learning to express my feelings and I’m getting better at it!
You are doing the right thing – asking for what you need. You are awesome, you know that, and your H knows that. There is nothing wrong in wanting to hear the acknowledgement once in a while. Please keep posting. I’m learning a lot from your posts.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
We are really learning a lot from your continued posts Bug. Thank you. I keep smiling when I read them.
I am sorry about the loss of your dog.
Way to go for expressing your needs. And kudos to H for acknowledging it so sincerely as well. Like you, that is awesome.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
H came to my house on Sunday to do some things with S20. It was a little strange because neither of us want the sons to know we're dating (or whatever). They got through the upset of the separation and now, this.
Anyway, that was a lot of in person contact along with all the texting that goes on. Now I'm sensing a little distancing and that's OK. I've always been the pursuer in the past so we'll see how well I do at not pursuing.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just a short update, no big changes. Which is difficult for me, I tend to want things NOW, if not sooner. I'm working on that.
It's difficult to explain and I'm sure I'll be clearer as this goes along but this was meant to happen this way. I'm learning so much more about "me in a R." It's all unsorted in my mind right now but has to do with expectations, needs, letting go, being loving, acceptance and there's probably more.
I try to keep in mind the 5 concepts: Attention Acceptance Appreciation Affection Allowing
My journey is ongoing and I learn something new about me just about every day.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
After reading your posts I have to say I am inspired by your calm, collected attitude. You can see your true shining soul coming through in your posts. I hope I can be there some day as well.
I am glad to hear that you and H are dating and I don't blame you at all for being cautious.
I am sorry to hear about your dog.
Keep on being a genuine inspiration!
Warm regards, Pud
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
