My mom continues to slip away. Her kidneys have failed and the buildup of toxins and fluid have caused confusion. She sleeps most of the time now and will eventually lapse into a coma. After another trip to the ER this week the decision was made to stop all treatment and hospice services were started.
The decline happened very fast. None of us were quite prepared. My mom had wanted to speak privately with each of the boys, but the opportunity has passed. She is coherent for a few minutes at a time, long enough to ask for a drink, the bathroom, etc.
The boys are watching me carefully and ask how I'm doing constantly. I can tell they are afraid that my mom's death will shatter me again. It won't. It's sad, but I feel strong. I accept what is happening. Life just keeps changing. I have learned to go with the flow. I no longer act out of fear, clinging to people or situations that don't work or are out of my control. I feel peaceful.
I am on family leave for the foreseeable future so I can help my dad daily and sit with my mom. Even though she doesn't respond much I know she hears everything. She has been adamant that she doesn't want to be alone so that's the primary goal along with keeping her pain free and comfortable.
Throughout the last few weeks xh continues to send emails to his attorney, S16 and me. He has dropped the custody suit, but only because he believes I continue to poison the boys against him. He is fighting hard to continue to believe that. He just can't accept that he alone is the cause. While he focused on OW and ignored the boys he let the love between them die. I told him this early on, but he accused me of playing emotional games with him. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.
Xh is still demanding that I sell the house. I believe he is desperate for money and the feeling of being flush. He's a gambler after all and only feels secure with lots of money and a plan to get more. I'm glad I don't have to live with that anymore. I've said no to selling the house. I will stand up for what I want. He doesn't scare me. He will eventually run away. I don't anticipate him requesting a trial date, but if he does so be it. I'll decide at that point what's important to me.
In the meantime I feel very capable of balancing my life between caring for the boys and my parents. I couldn't have said that a year ago. I am so glad to be where I am. I don't anticipate a backslide with my Mom's passing, but if I do I know it is temporary and I have learned how to take care of myself and accept grief as part of life.
