Wife just filed for divorce...furious and hates me

[MagicJack]

I wasn't controlling of her, and I really don't think I was a jealous person beyond the obvious stuff of I don't want her associating with her ex-boyfriends. Is that too much to ask? I never told her she couldn't go do something, including all of the times where she said she was going to the city to visit her sister when really she was doing other stuff, and even when she would go to bars or clubs with her female friends/relatives. When she would travel out of town for work, I never needed to follow up on her.

I was also supportive of her career and her academics. I was the only one working while she got her Masters, and I even helped her write papers. When she started actually working I would talk to her about how to deal with people at her job who she was having conflicts with. Her problem over time was that she had serious anxiety in social situations and could not adjust to dealing with these people over the course of several years. We were having the same hours-long conversation every night about the same two people who she couldn't deal with. At one point she was determined to quit her job completely and "take three months off work" so she could "relax" and not work at all. Because she owed over 100k in student loan debt that we were paying interest on I told her that if she quit her job it would be financial suicide and I wouldn't stay with her since she would be torpedoing us. She never forgave me for saying that.

Her calling me all the time went way beyond normal phone needs. She could not respect any limits on my availability especially when I was at work. If I didn't answer my cell at work, she would call my desk. If I didn't pick that up, she would actually call my co-workers or the main switchboard. These were not calls that couldn't wait until I got home, either. They would be over things like her wanting to talk about why the electric bill was so high, etc. When I would try to tell her to please not call me at work unless it was an emergency, and to definitely not call the main switchboard/co-workers, she could not respect that and would keep calling those numbers. When we got married it was a lot worse and out of frustration I literally threw out my phone twice so she would just stop calling me so damn much. I felt it was controlling on her part to expect me to be "always-on" no matter what I was doing or where I was.

I was also supportive of her while she dealt with numerous health problems including a brain tumor and collitis. I took her to the hospital more times than I can count, including lots of times in the middle of the night. But the only thing she remembers is the 2 times when I didn't take her to the hospital (I was out of town both times), and the time where I was pissed off about taking her because I thought she was a hypochondriac (she would have phantom "stomach pain attacks" which conveniently became emergencies whenever I would go out of town). She would go to the hospital almost monthly with these issues.

I did get on her case about her unhealthy lifestyle. She would horde junk food and binge eat little debbies and not exercise. I don't want to live my life like that. I tried encouraging her to exercise with me, bought her a gym membership, even cooked some healthy meals for her, and of course any reasonable person is going to get the hint that their spouse wants them to change. I never told her she was "fat" or that I wasn't attracted to her. I just wanted her to try to be healthier, just to try. And she basically refused to do anything until after she made up her mind to leave.

And on the topic of anger, again. I state that I didn't hit her not because I think that is some kind of accomplishment, but because I didn't hit her (and I don't want people getting the idea that I was physically abusive). And I never damaged her property until I found out she was cheating on me, and I realize now that was wrong. Mr. Bond, what more do you want from me? How long are you going to keep bringing that up as if that is the only thing going on here? I realize it was wrong, and I am taking steps to work on it. Yet the only advice you can reply is to keep repeating "damn right she left you, etc". She was planning to leave me before that, and she was cheating on me before that, so I have a hard time believing she was some kind of long-suffering victim. And for the record, she never once said she was afraid of me until after she had moved out of the apartment and needed to come up with a reason to give to people about why she left. She is a deeply fundamentalist Christian and she needs to be able to justify what she is doing to her family and the community. The truth is I could justify being afraid of her more than she is of me. She would throw things at me, not let me leave (even to another room) when I wanted to get space when we were fighting, and motioned like she was going to stab me with scissors on three separate occasions when she got frustrated with arguments we were having. She would also make statements regarding how she would cut off my balls if I ever cheated on her, etc. You can say whatever you want but she was in no way "in fear" for her safety. The typical "she's a woman/the weaker sex" argument doesn't always apply when the woman is nuts. Yes, I said nuts, and I still loved her.

I do have sympathy for her. Mostly it's pity. I feel like she is not happy with any area of her life. She was not happy in her job, and I used to spend hours listening and consoling her and giving advice. When we started dating she was not happy with her family and fought them all the time (she would get in screaming matches with her mom), and I supported her in her problems with them and tried to calm things down between her and her parents. Now she's not happy with me, and who is there to convince her to stay with me and work on problems? Not me anymore, and probably not any of her friends since almost all of them are divorced or serial cheaters/undateable to begin with. I'm not perfect, but I do try to improve myself and be a better man. She thinks she will find someone who is going to baby her and give her everything she ever wanted. She's popping Lorazepam to deal with her anxiety disorder, but I read that the stuff has a side effect of making depression worse. So my guess is she's pretty lost right now.