LTH's advice from 8/27 had some very good pointers
e.g. "This is one reason you are wise to keep your mouth shut about the affair. If you started changing these things AFTER you told her knew, she would suspect you were only doing it because of her A and it would take a lot longer for her to believe they were true changes."
and also LTH's post on 9/3 where she gives her perspective "from the other side" is very informative and useful.
now I am not saying to wait forever, or 4 years, or anything like that. but right now is not the time to confront W. *first* you need to make yourself the more attractive choice - so that when *eventually* you say "me or him" she will choose you and not say "ok, bye!"
you wrote: "Some things I read say it can last a few months, 6 months or up to 4 years! That last one is tough to swallow." and I wouldn't let it go for 4 years (that's just when someone is having a MLC and are totally out of it). I understand that 6 months is average; I would say to allow up to a year and then take stock of the situation and decide what to do next.
why a year and not 6 months? first, to leave a margin of safety time-wise. and also so that you will have sufficient time to undo bad habits from the past, so that she will fully be able to see you as the better choice.
but that's just a guideline. it could be that between now and then something might happen to cast the dice one way or the other. e.g. with her new job plus the improvements you are making, she might leave OM sooner, especially now that they aren't working together. or, she might sink deeper into her fantasy world and start leaving obvious clues that are impossible to ignore. you need to play it by ear, but don't jump in with a confrontation too soon because that would ruin what you are trying to do.
also, when you do eventually confront her (if it is necessary), then you don't let her know that you've known about it all this time. that would make you look like a wimp. when the time comes, if you do need to confront her, then you only use recent evidence and not "ancient history".
you wrote: "There is a shed I could finish, painting that needs done. I'd also like to kayak the river in our area. W and I used to enjoy that. Haven't done it since the kids came along. Do these sound like a good start?"
yes, good ideas. how long does the kayaking take - a few hrs or a few days? i.e. can you get a babysitter to stay with your sons so that you and W can do this together? or, could you substitute another type of boating that would be safe to bring your sons along?
your description of Labor Day sounds very encouraging! as well as the fact that she is including you in future plans.
as LTH also said, keep doing what you're doing so that your wife will see that your changes are permanent. you know what, she'll like you a lot more, and you'll like yourself a lot more! a win-win!
Originally Posted By: doubledown
We got into bed last night and I told my W how much I apprecaiated her efforts over the past week, and especially that day, for all the work she put into school shopping for the kids and running around with them from 8:30a.m. to 4:30 that afternoon. I said:"you're a good mom!"
She thanked me and continued telling me that while she was sitting on a bench at the school watching the kids play on the playground, she wondered to herself if she was a good mom. I repaeated myself and said: "you're a good mom".
Truthfully, with all the poor choices she's made over the past several months with regard to her A and neglecting the kids to focus on her A and working 7/days a week and getting home late every night, choosing time with OM over time with our kids, is not the work of a "good mom".
However, I know she struggles with whether she is a good mom, so I put one in her love tank.
Is that wrong? It can only help, right?
yes, I think you did good with this! I think that giving her that encouragement, will make her want to continue to do more to be a good mom!
