One giant leap forward! - Part 6

[T1000]

Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2382376&page=1

[T1000]

Well I thought a little while ago that I would be in a different place when I got to Part 6.

I don't have the kids this weekend and I had just one hours worth of GAL and in that hour I got a blister that has slowed me down even more.
I saw the kids on Wednesday, it's been 3 days since I have seen them and normally I go 5 days without a problem during the week. Really missing them. As soon as I think that I might miss them I automatically miss them.

I put new pics in all the frames on Friday. A strange feeling after all this time removing dating, wedding, honeymoon and pregnancy pictures. It is nice to walk out of my bedroom and see a wall of my babies now though and not have my failed M looking at me.
I've also begin removing pretty much all traces of W from inside the house, it's hard to believe there was still so much stuff. Her stuff is gonna take up a massive amount of the garage.

It looks like my remortgage might be going through. If/when it does i will be fairly comfortable. I will be able to take the kids out and do things, buy them clothes and furniture. Adjust the house to my liking, update my wardrobe and take up some different GAL. It will mean that we have no equity in the house after all debts are paid off rather than a few grand we would have been. It's more important that I can afford to live right now and not go bankrupt than have equity.

I have less anger with W now than I did a week or so ago. I'm more open now to DB than I was then. As usual I think it's over for good. I do believe that if she wanted back in she would have some serious work and improvement to do before I would even consider it. I don't think she is capable of it.

I emailed W about the car insurance and the driving on Friday but not heard anything back yet. I messaged her this morning about Skyping the kids today or tomorrow and got nothing back.
A little while ago I would have been thinking that she is either angry with me or having the time of her life and too busy....now I just think I have no idea what she is or isn't going through and guessing isn't going to do anything for me.

I joined some online dating sites on Thursday. I spent some time making a good profile. I even had a woman contact me and tell me how good my profile is. I put some good pics on.
It turned out to not be what I was expecting (I know expectations). Online dating is very very judgemental. I don't mean that as in it's wrong, it's par for the course. It's like browsing through anything your going to invest in. If there are two things there and one meets your initial search criteria by one or two things you will pick that one over the other. Times that by hundreds or thousands and a woman my age or younger still has a chance at starting their own family and not take on anyone else's. Appearances (as in all terms) matter even more so when your trying to stand out from a crowd.
I got a little lost with this between Thursday-Saturday seeing what I could achieve. By the end of Saturday I had a good word with myself. I wasn't desperate to find a date last week so why was I now.
I will leave my profiles and up and se if anything comes of it. I'm not expecting anything now.

Gonna get myself some new goals, keep improving, find some GAL and keep going.

It's my school reunion next weekend. I always liked the idea of a school reunion in general but not with my school. If I look at the people that are going I never fit and I didn't like most of them. I don't want to go but I do plan to. At the end of the day I'm being invited out by people that I have seen for 20 years so I can't foresee what it will be. I would rather regret going than not going.

I really appreciate all the help I have received on here whether I agreed with it or not.
I feel better after writing this and being back on here just talking.

What next...

[AnotherStander]

Sounds like you're in a good place T, all I can say is keep doing what you're doing, it looks like it's working I'm glad to hear things are going your way!

[sandi2]

I am so glad to see how far you have come in personal growth. You sound like a different man.

[T1000]

The latest text convo with W:

W: Just looking through the calendar and the weekend of the 28th December I am due to have the boys but I have a friends wedding. Are you able to have them that weekend? Obviously I'll be on vacation with the boys this Christmas so I'm not sure how you are wanting to divide the time.? Are you wanting me to keep for some time between Christmas and New Year or just keep seeing them at the weekends? I'm trying to get stuff sorted so if you could let me

One minute later

W: Know what your plans might be otherwise I'll just go ahead and carry on with my plans.

Me: I will have them the weekend of the 28th.
W: Is that the only time you want them then,
Me: If they are on vacation with you how would I have them?
W: Do you want them the week on the Friday we leave vacation? You could collect them halfway?
Me: I will have them the Friday until the Tuesday.
W: Can you not have them for New Year?
Me: I don't know.
W: Well I'm trying to book stuff. Can you have them late Thursday 10th October til Monday 14th

I had already planned to not have the kids that weekend as it's our anniversary and I needed to GAL that weekend big time)

Me: No sorry. What are wanting to do about S1's birthday?
We: What about Thursday 3rd to the following Monday?
Me: I have no more days left.
W: I need a f**king break...so you have no holidays left til when???
Me: January
W: Right so you've had 5 weeks holiday this year and I get no brea what so ever
Me: I have a week off over Christmas but you want them that week.
W: You trying to tell me you are working New Years day.
Me: Right now no, theres been talk of it though. I would like to do something this New Year, I have been stuck in for the last 4.
W: Oh my f**kin g*d
M: And I haven't been stuck in. I looking after these kids 90% of the time. i need a break. You are being unfair.
Me: You have had every weekend off for the last 14 months.
W: And you have had 5 nights free every week for 14 months plus one weekend out of the month.
Me: I've just had my 2nd weekend off in all that time.
W: Obviously not. You'v also had 5 weeks off this year and not once taken them kids for a week.
W: You're embarrassed to say that you are actually turning into a shi*t father.
Me: I had 6 days off in January all spent with the kids, 5 in May, 4.5 spent with the kids, 10 in August, 6 spent with the kids. 21 days total 17.5 spent with the kids plus any bank holidays I had them plus every weekend. I'm an awesome father thank you very much.
W: Don't kid yourself!!
Me: I'm not. I even asked for the kids in August for mid week and you said no it will wreck their routine.
W: It's fine. You carry on doing what you are doing. Because you can't have the kids any of the weekends I'm having to go away the weekend of S1's birthday. Don't worry...I won't put you out...I'm still have them on my usual weekend too.
Me: Don't use the kids because your not getting your own way.
W: Well i wold have had S1 here on his birthday anyway. Just so happens that I may as well use it to my advantage of you not wanting to have them an extra 2 nights. Your loss!
Me: S1's Birthday is my weekend. It is something that needs discussing properly.
W: Well that's tough now cos it's booked. We get back on the Tuesday if you can be arsed seeing the boys.
Me: That's bullshit and you know it! Can you really take your anger out on me by denying the kids their Dad?
W: Yes...very very easily!!!


I gave up this point.

When she said "Oh my F*ckin g*d" I should have left the conversation.

Does she realize that she starts off by wanting rid of the kids and then attacks with threats of keeping them?

[hotwheelsaust]

t1000, sorry to hear you have had a text conversation like that. It makes me glad the only good part of my sitch is that the kids are adults. I would hate to have to go through the kid stuff as well.
Good to hear you are GALing really well and moving on.

[lovethehub]

T,

You really need to get an attorney, this is not going to stop. Now she is taking your son on your weekend and it's 'too bad'?

The next time, stop the conversation at "I need a f**king break...so you have no holidays left til when???" and tell her you are not going to get into this again, to please contact you when she is ready to discuss it without anger and threats. Also, are you printing your texts? If not, switch to email so you have a record of her threats.

Does she plan on getting a job? That would give her time away from the children. How is she surviving?

[Fartiltre]

T,

Is it just me or is this recent convo between you and W some kind of dejavu?

As I recall she did all this not that long ago – threatening, punitive, name calling and so on. Afterwards she went in the opposite direction.
If so she will properly come at you again!

You have properly written this somewhere but even though I have read all your threads I don’t remember:
When will S4 start preschool? (5y in England as I recall but not sure)
She moved 1½ hour drive away and most of the kids’ activities will be in her area?


I think the first thing you have to do is sort out your own wishes!
How do you think a schedule for the kids should be over a year?
Hollidays, Christmas, new-year, Easter, weekends, sports, friends – you will have to take it all into consideration and make a doable and fair schedule. Post it here, get comments and then meet up with W and talk about it.
If this doesn’t work the two of you will need assistance

When she said "Oh my F*ckin g*d" I should have left the conversation.

Or even earlier! You will do this next time. Perhaps you could make it a rule that when she start swearing, talking nasty or saying subjective unpleasant things you stop her.
I still believe convos like this should not be texted!

I would start working on the schedule and then leave it up to her to initiate communication for now.

And the one more thing:

I don't know.

This one also makes me recall discussions in your thread about you being manipulative, indecisive or something like that – I don’t recall the exact words but you properly do. She will get pi$$ed every time you do this so instead consider going with:
I will look into that and get back to you in a few days.
I will need to sort out work first and then I will….



Tough one, T – I think the job you have done with the kids is tremendous. Few fathers do that much and you should feel proud, so in short I also think you are an awesome farther.

All the best

F

[T1000]

t1000, sorry to hear you have had a text conversation like that. It makes me glad the only good part of my sitch is that the kids are adults. I would hate to have to go through the kid stuff as well.
Good to hear you are GALing really well and moving on.

Thanks

[T1000]

T,

You really need to get an attorney, this is not going to stop. Now she is taking your son on your weekend and it's 'too bad'?

The next time, stop the conversation at "I need a f**king break...so you have no holidays left til when???" and tell her you are not going to get into this again, to please contact you when she is ready to discuss it without anger and threats. Also, are you printing your texts? If not, switch to email so you have a record of her threats.

Does she plan on getting a job? That would give her time away from the children. How is she surviving?

I will check on my mortgage today, if that goes through I will able to afford an attorney. Things aren't going as she planned and to her that is my fault and she is trying to punish me. The only really leverage she has right now is the kids even though she just spent 30 minutes complaining she has them to much.

She text me today.
I emailed her about the driving and the car insurance on Friday but haven't got a reply. I don't know if she has seen it or not.

I have all conversations we have had via messages.

I don't she is planning on getting a job. She loves being a full time M!
She survives on the money I give her for kids and benefits.
She really is not the woman I met 6 years ago.