Lifestyle changes

[MrBond]

Alright, I'll give it a shot.

"I have compassion for her"

No you don't. At least not in terms of actions. I don't think you see that what you say isn't backed up by any action. I believe none of what you say and half of what you do. You say you have compassion for her (and you never mentioned her prior abuse - real or false), yet you cut her off from alot of things because your feelings were hurt. To me, having the stigma of sexual abuse with you since you were a child far outweighs your hurt feelings.

"I see that she is hurting"

Same as above.

"I forgive her daily and will continue to forgive her."

Um no, I don't think you realize that your posts suggest that you will only forgive her IF you have space, if she apologizes, if she pretty much begs to come back and fix herself. It doesn't happen like that. AND you can't have forgiveness without compassion.

"I didn't kick her out of the church. If she feels the need to attend church, there are dozens out there to go to.

You don't understand that those who have experienced abuse tend to set up "safe places" for them to go to. YOUR church was a safe place for her. And because she hurt your feelings, you brought it up to the church leaders who confronted her and she argued with them. It's what people who have been abused do. That church was probably one of the only places where she felt safe and she only got defensive when that sanctity was threatened. You don't see that because you are letting your own emotions get in the way of compassion for her. If you really understood what had gone through her mind, you might see that. Now I could be wrong, but look at everyone else's posts to you. Everything that your W has told you has suggested that there was some sort of abuse whether it be sexual or emotional.

If it was one of your D's who was molested by a family member and she did alot of praying in the church, then she did something wrong which had nothing to do with the church and chose to stay in the church to seek forgiveness or some kind of path, but was kicked out because of her action. Would you support it?

"I am trying to put legitimate boundaries in place. Boundaries are a type of control. You can't have healthy relationships without some level of control. None of us lives life completely free."

But your relationship is NOT healthy and won't be healthy until you understand that your W needs to heal with guidance. That's what the "for better or worse" part comes in. Boundaries are for actions that DIRECTLY affect you. The church issue didn't affect you directly. That's between God and your W. I mean, it's like you're saying that if your W shows up at your kids' school with OM, you are going to complain to the school to have your W leave. Or if she goes to some sports event, you are going to tell the coach about her. At what point do you stop?

"I would not call what I am doing "Walking away". I was %100 committed to this marriage. I was there for her, I was understanding and compassionate. There is a point, however, when someone tells you that they don't love you, don't want to be with you and that they will NEVER treat you with any respect, that you have to let them go."

You did read DR right? That is why the "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do" is in there. We ALL have heard that. And you know what? It changes.

"What? I really think the best thing for us is D and separation. Maybe then, she can start healing too."

IMHO dealing with abused persons myself personally, I don't think she can.

"The way we are living now is not good for her, me or the kids. I don't see how it can get any better."

By REALLY showing compassion here. I understand you don't want the church issue brought up, but it's important. The fact that you try to downplay it, shows that you aren't as compassionate as you might think you are. ON my journey with my W, she worked with the OM, so she saw him more than our kids or me. I did alot of praying and in the end I decided to not cut her out of anything even though I was hurting. The times I did hurt, I did more praying and when I thought I couldn't handle it anymore, I prayed some more. After awhile I understood that compassion and forgiveness are intertwined. I understood she was hurting and did small actions to show her I was. In the end she saw that and appreciated the forgiveness that came with it. Many of us have gone through that same trial.

Again, this is NOT a criticism. You are indeed free to do and shelter your feelings how ever you see fit. Some can handle it and some can't. The point of my whole comment is just to make you think. You don't need to argue back against this post point by point. My comment was just to make you think.