Living In The Now (La Deuxieme)

[JuneReN]

For sure subguy, that is exactly where he is...that and the fear of falling back into who he was, I think, what we were.

I do think the final step is learning to give your heart over again, whether to your spouse or to someone new. Hopefully I am working towards this as I continue my path. I know that a small part remains reserved and while I love H unconditionally, there is that piece that remains protected for now.

[hopefulinga]

I don't know how many of H's friend know what is going on, but I know when he complains about me, his friends have told him that they need to look at all of what I do and what it would cost him to replace me. They've told me about the conversations. I would agree that such comments can force the WAS to dig in with the "but you don't live with her comments"

I know that runs through my mind when people tell me how wonderful H is. And is has for years. But I also know that he is genuinely a good person.

I think all of our spouses have some fear of falling back into what the M was like before, and that's what keeps them away, and sometimes peeking back in. Only time will tell if he works out all of his internal stuff.

[JuneReN]

That's what I think too Hopeful. The "ya but you only see this" thought.

I don't need any pick me ups or wouldn't change any things I've grown so much but does anyone ever think, I mean without melancholy or sadness or woe is me. Could I please just have my effin life back? Lmao. I just want it back. To have someone to lie next to who knows you and whom you know and just say "omg I'm tired. How was your day? And laugh and rely and share.

Don't get all crazy on me friends, . It's like a mixture of exasperation fatigue amusement acceptance and bemusement all rolled into a "really????"

Lol. Sometimes you just have to shake your head in a kind of affectionate indulgent disbelief and have a glass of wine

Night all!

[BrightFuture]

I can relate to these feelings, Ruby. And I’m finally getting a glass of wine tonight! Could not drink since last Sunday, was sick with some kind of cold.

[labug]

That's what I think too Hopeful. The "ya but you only see this" thought.

I don't need any pick me ups or wouldn't change any things I've grown so much but does anyone ever think, I mean without melancholy or sadness or woe is me. Could I please just have my effin life back? Lmao. I just want it back. To have someone to lie next to who knows you and whom you know and just say "omg I'm tired. How was your day? And laugh and rely and share.

Don't get all crazy on me friends, . It's like a mixture of exasperation fatigue amusement acceptance and bemusement all rolled into a "really????"

Lol. Sometimes you just have to shake your head in a kind of affectionate indulgent disbelief and have a glass of wine

Night all!

Great post!

About the trust and subguy's comment, this may be just me but I'm in such a different place right now that trust isn't an issue. It may also have to do with the fact that I know exactly why H left and understand.

I know that H needs to feel he can trust me. I think we're building a R and we'll see what happens.

The trust issue may come up later for me. Interesting.

[JuneReN]

You know, the schema for how we approach all these things have changed so drastically, Bug.

Take for instance yesterday when H said I will be out Sunday instead of Saturday because S17 got a ride with friends Friday.

All the feelings about "he doesn't want to spend time with me...blah blah" surfaced but I validated those feeling myself then had a chat with me. I said to me, "This is not about you. You are the one who said he should be alone for awhile, you're kind of blowing that one by sleeping with him, but when he takes the space you get crazy? Knock it off." So I did, lol.

I would have never been able to move through the "ya didn't come out, you don't care" part if I hadn't been able to recognize where it came from and acknowledge the feelings and let them go

[JuneReN]

So, teen drama tonight...son's friends come over, they'd been drinking and ask if S is here. I say no, he is at your place? (down the street). Apparently he left an hour before and it's a five minute walk. I'm a bit panicky, but I text-no answer. Call-it goes straight to message.

I get a text back, "Sorry went for a walk, friend in distress called and I was talking her through some things..."

Mind you, it's pouring rain etc.

So I drive drunk azz (but very polite ) friends back, make sure son is back at friend's, talk to son, he is beside himself that he worried me. It's all good.

Text H with small update- "Drunk teens, S17 took off couldn't find him, he went to visit Grandmother's (H's mom) grave, but is all good, will update you tomorrow"

Then I texted- "Sometimes? Doing this on my own in the here and now is really hard" "

He texted "I'm sorry"

I just said "So am I. I'll talk to you tomorrow"

Ugh. Not my intent to lay a guilt trip on the man, but if I have to do this parenting thing and feel the sheer momentary terror of not knowing where S is, then he gets to know as well. Pointe finale.

[JuneReN]

Today H dropped by, hopefully roof will not leak anymore.

Gave him story about S17, he agreed with the whole "not wandering off when you've been drinking and telling no one" thing.

Also, H said that he wanders if I would be willing to switch places if I get a job in city next year. That he would be more able to do repairs than me around the house. He would move permanently here and I would be in city. Probably with S17, if I had job there. He mentioned that I could pay off debts, cheaper to live and he could have a couple years with D14 before she is off to school.

I said I would not discount anything in terms of jobs and arrangements, that we could discuss all the permutations should the discussion arise.

Personally, I want move back together ( lol)

But thoughts on this?

I have no idea myself

He did mention he would set up house the way he liked lol, but was okay with colours I painted the bedroom (you have to understand, H is not a colour guy and I painted blue ) which was a big admission, believe it or not, on his part.

I have pros and cons to both scenarios....my favourite scenario is that we share the two spaces, city and country :))

[labug]

I say, Stay in the moment-next year is a long way off.

[JuneReN]

Solid advice