I've been reading Herschel Walker's book on his life and he was sexually abused. What he did was set up alternate personalities which would have no memory of the abuse. This is how he was getting through life without, of course, knowing he had these personalities. Now, not saying your wife has MPD but labug is right about the defense mechanisms. This may be why she can so easiy deny you've had sex over the past year and you're stunned by it. Anyway, it may be the case or it may not be. She is who she is and you've got to deal with her for much of the rest of your life because you've got kids. Does this possibility of a sexual abuse history change anything for you?
From what I was told, there was a significant legal fight over sexual abuse allegations made by several other (female) family members. Apparently it came down to "He said / she said" and the charges were dropped.
She tried to adjust the custody arrangement to keep my father in law from my W and SIL and sent both kids to counseling. None of the allegations were corroborated and the custody arrangement was not adjustment.
My FIL's family was essentially disowned him and he has not had contact with them for years. When we had kids, my MIL insisted that we did not let FIl watch our kids.
My W insists that it was all nonsense and that she was never abused. I tended to believe her thinking "Why would she lie", until I had the conversation with her the other day where it was clear that she had completely suppressed the reality of us having sex in the last year. Her denials were completely sincere.
//Does this possibility of a sexual abuse history change anything for you?//
No, she is emotionally abusive and I can't live like this anymore. I need a D and a separation. I still love her, and once I am away from the abuse, I am sure the anger will dissipate and I will forgive.
Regardless of if sexual abuse is the cause, there is something in her past that has emotionally damaged her, and I am not sure if she is capable of doing anything other than what she is currently doing.
"No, she is emotionally abusive and I can't live like this anymore.I need a D and a separation. I still love her, and once I am away from the abuse, I am sure the anger will dissipate and I will forgive. ""
To me, if your W was sexually abused as a child and you can't have any compassion for her about that just because you can't see that she's hurting and expresses it outwards in anger, then you are being selfish. You will never forgive her because you are making it all about you and right now she's the one that needs help.
Now more than ever I feel that you kicking her out of the church was the wrong thing to do. She needs understanding and compassion right now and you've cut off the things that she may have been grounded to. Apparently, you, like the other men in her life, are trying to control her. She's already had to deal with it from the sexual abuse and the emotional abuse that comes with it.
I mean, my W worked with and saw her OM every day with no sexual abuse issues. And I never turned her away, but instead gave her a safe place to retreat to. But again, you're different and can only know what you can handle.
I will tell you though, that if you end up with someone else, they will also have their own set of issues and if you continue to walk away when your feelings are hurt, then you'll have a hard time sticking with anyone.
But that's just my opinion. There is so much more that you can do, but you don't want to right now. I hope that one day you can see that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
M r Bond, I just don't understand your perspective on a lot of my issues.
//you can't have any compassion for her// I have compassion for her
//you can't see that she's hurting// I see that she is hurting
//You will never forgive her// I forgive her daily and will continue to forgive her.
//you kicking her out of the church// I didn't kick her out of the church. If she feels the need to attend church, there are dozens out there to go to.
//She's already had to deal with it from the sexual abuse// I don't know if she was abused. She denies it. Something is wrong, but who knows what.
//you, like the other men in her life, are trying to control her.// I am trying to put legitimate boundaries in place. Boundaries are a type of control. You can't have healthy relationships without some level of control. None of us lives life completely free.
//if you continue to walk away when your feelings are hurt// I would not call what I am doing "Walking away". I was %100 committed to this marriage. I was there for her, I was understanding and compassionate. There is a point, however, when someone tells you that they don't love you, don't want to be with you and that they will NEVER treat you with any respect, that you have to let them go. She walked away from me. Not the other way around.
//There is so much more that you can do// What? I really think the best thing for us is D and separation. Maybe then, she can start healing too. The way we are living now is not good for her, me or the kids. I don't see how it can get any better.
So maybe just focus on you. Don't talk about everything she Iis doing or not doing. Treat her like the postman and work on you. You don't need to talk about her because again, we are only talking about you and how to make you better.
You've got some work to do so let's getting it started.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have to be honest here. Do you really want to try and understand? If not, then I'm not going to clarify the points. I'm not interested in wasting my time if someone isn't going to try and learn.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
RJC, you have to take care of you, that's the responsibility of each of us. Sometimes people come into our lives who are so hurt all they can do is hurt others.
She may some day be able to get the help she needs. You have 3 Ds I hope you will respect your W and not judge her around them.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
