Because my W was my closest friend. She knows me more intimately than anyone else. And she has completely rejected me. It makes me feel worthless and undesireable. My M is very important to me and I failed at it. I feel like a failure. I try to keep these feelings (rejection and failure) private. But, when they are publically flaunted, I feel shame.
I have been told that the shame should be hers. Intellectually I realize this, but emotionally, I have trouble controlling these feelings.
//something does not ring true or "right" in there.//
I can't figure it out. I know that the relationship in Hiati is sexual. I have no idea about the others. She has this tremendous need for affirmation from men. I think that is what she is after. She doesn't desire sex, but is willing to use it to get her emotional needs met.
Her mom thinks she was sexually abused by her dad as a child. I always thought this was bitterness from their divorce. My W has always denied it. But, after listening to her deny having sex with me, I really am beginnning to have my doubts. Something is not emotionally right with her, and it goes beyond our marriage or MLC.
I hope that this is her way of working through this and that she finds healing.
//Might there truly be some bitter resentment in there //
Absolutely. I gave an awful lot to this relationship. I never felt it was recipricated. In the end, I was devalued and thrown away.
For the priveledge of being treated like this, I am getting thrown out of my house, losing 1/2 of everything I have worked for all my life and get to pay her $1700/month for the next 5 years.
These are difficult emotions to work through. I don't think I will work through them overnight. But, I am not a bitter person. In time, I will forgive and move on. Without physical seeration, moving on is hard.
Retribution such as being shunned by the church is why many people don't seek treatment or even admit that the abuse ever happened. They are then cut off from the only support system (as weak and conditional as it might be)they've ever had.
Proverbial rock and a hard place.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
She has certian emotional defense mechanisms that healthy people don't use. There were issues with sex, control, attachment, etc... that I never understood. Sometimes I felt like I was banging my head against a wall trying to connect with her.
She had no intimate relationships at all in her life. Me and her mom were her closest friends, and I personally never felt like she would allow herself to be emotionally vulnerable with me. She had these walls.
These issues were present when we were dating, and through our entire marriage. Until this last year, I never really understood how damaged she was, or how difficult it would be to work through these problems.
I don't know enough about psychology or sexual abuse to really understand what is going on. But she is not normal. Framing her behaviour on in this light does help with forgivenss and empathy.
I wish she would be honest with herself and get some professional counseling. She is in denial that there are any issues. Everyone who knows her recognizes these quirks in her personality, it is not just my perception.
Why does she only have male friends? Why does she fill her life with so much busyness? Why can't she have any truly intimate relationships? Why does she have no joy in sex? Why is there this constant depression and unhappiness, when on the surface she seems incredibly blessed? Why is she so pessamistic? Why does she settle for relationships with men who have nothing to really offer her?
Sexaul abuse may explain some of this, but who really knows.
