Day By Day

[tadpole1025]

Hello all. It is time for a new thread and the last one can be found here:

My mother is dying. XW wants to be my friend.

There really isn't much going on, but thought I would start a new thread or "chapter."

I think I am better as far as XW is concerned. I just don't have time for her garbage and haven't talked or texted with her since her tirade of spew a few weeks ago.

I get the feeling that my boys seem to be detaching from her as well. I don't know this for sure. It is just a feeling.

As for mom:

She is out of Hospice and now at home. However, we may be moving her to a group home this week. I can't afford to miss much more work and I have been her primary caregiver since she has been home. I have an older brother, but he hasn't done anything to help her or me. He has a drug/gambling problem and my younger brother passed away a few years ago. I'm really all she has. I've been spending some of every day with her and we have had some really great conversations and a lot of tears. We both know that her time is getting close. We just take it day by day. I feel like I have cried more tears these past three years (sitch/mom) than I did in the previous forty.

I've never felt more alone in all of my life. I guess I better get used to it huh?

Please keep us in your prayers.

Tad

[golf mom]

I am so sorry, Tad. I, too, am losing my mom to cancer. It's so hard to say goodbye. I can relate to the amount of crying over the last few years. There has been so much grief. Take very good care of yourself during this time. I am praying for you and your family.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you golf mom.

It is hard to say goodbye. I can see it eating at her and it tears me up because there is nothing I can do. She told me the other day that she feels like she is "running out of room inside." She has Pancreatic Cancer and I hear that it is one of the worst and the most painful cancers. However, I would have to say that I am thankful for the past month that we have had. We have had great conversations and have grown so much closer.

In other news:

I am sitting here watching one of my little ratties clean her face after chomping down some lettuce. I realized the other day just how much joy they have given me. It sounds funny, but they really do brighten my day. They are like little miniature puppies and are extremely smart. I think that the old me (pre-XW's MLC), would have never even found so much joy in just a couple of little rats. Most people are disgusted by rats, but I couldn't imagine not having them.

I've also realized something else recently. Even up until about a month ago, I used to DREAM of the chance to talk to XW and would always plan things out in my head of what I would say to her. Nowadays, I find myself saying in my head: "I really have nothing to say to her." It's true. I really don't. Actually, the thought of her is starting to disgust me. I'm getting where I can think of her and almost giggle.

Do I wish my marriage would have been saved? Absolutely. I wish that I would have never needed to find this forum, but......it is what it is.

If you are a noobie, believe me, it really does get better. Others on this board would probably tell you that I was one of the stuck ones or even one of the more pathetic ones but....

It does get better.

Do I still hurt? Absolutely but....

It does get better.

Hang in there.

Tad

[AJM]

"I really have nothing to say to her."

Honestly Tad, I never thought you were stuck. I thought you moved at your own pace and others "help" keep you on track based on their own experiences and needs. And your needs.

I'll be honest Tad, I have had the same experience. And at some point, a while back, it became the same for me. I just have nothing to say. I left nothing on the table either, Tad. And that's about the best you can do on your side of things. I do sometimes still have those conversations. My ex won't stay gone, so it doesn't seem unnatural to me. It's become a drain on my time and energy though. A long time ago I felt like it wouldn't matter what she said, I just have nothing to say to her. I may miss what we had, but she in no way can be part of that in my life any longer. It's just not possible and hasn't been for a long time. I thought about it, many years ago. If she were to come back, would I let her? And the answer is no. I don't hate her. I wish her the best, like I would an old friend. I could talk to her, but I haven't had anything to talk to her about for a very long time, outside my son. It seems to progress that way. At least for me and possibly you.

You may be right about the boys. But that's for them to figure out, still with your guidance, in their own time. My son has been the same. He and I can talk about his mom now, and some of the things he has to say are, well, let's just say "interesting". She's still his mom though, and I respect that and he does too. They'll figure out what they want to do over time, and how they want to interact with their mom. And they'll use you as an example for how to handle things in life. From where I sit, I see that as a good thing.

Sorry to hear your family isn't much help with your mom, but you are a very lucky man to get to spend that kind of time with her. And she's lucky to have you. Make the most of it as best you can, Tad. It matters.

Keep moving Tad. You're one of those that will be very well adjusted and "wise" when you're done.

Focus on your mom, yourself, and your boys Tad. That's family and they need your leadership and companionship and they don't need to share it with your ex in your headspace.

Peace,
AJ

[uRworthy]

Aj, beautifully said. Really and truly. You are an amazing man. I love to read what you post.

Nothing to add except sorry you are going through this with your mom. I lost both parents, it is a tough thing. But you are so very lucky to have been given this time with her.

Let her know that you are ok, Tad. That is the greatest gift one can give their parents.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ and Urworthy.

Very well said.

S20 told me the other day that he realizes that OM "basically BOUGHT XW." Very true. I've felt this way all along.

As for mom: She seems to have taken a bad turn in just the last few days. She seems very forgetful, sleepy and doesn't really complete sentences. Yesterday, she insisted that I take her for a ride. I did since that was her wish. I could tell though that the car ride really wore her out.

Let her know that you are ok, Tad. That is the greatest gift one can give their parents.

You are so right. That is all she really wants. She's even said it. She just wants to know that her sons and grandkids will be okay. I've told her that we are and will be.

She's still hanging on.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just wanted to check in....

Just returned from visiting mom. She had a very emotional day. She has been very sleepy the last few days and we thought that it might be her meds. Turns out that it is just her disease progressing or part of the dying process.

It hurts when I go to leave and she tells me over and over that she loves me and tells me over and over that I don't have to go.

Her time is very very short I think and it hurts like Hell.

I've told her many times that I am okay, but I'm not sure if she believes me. I'm not 100% sure that I believe me, but I'm getting there I think.

Tad

[golf mom]

Good to hear from you, Tad. I was thinking of you today. My mom, too, has been very sleepy the last couple of days. It is hard to tell whether it's the pain meds or disease progression. It's a very sad time, but we'll make it through, Tad. I'm praying for your family.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you golf mom.

Can I ask what type of cancer your mom has? If you'd rather not say, that's fine. I was just curious.

We were hoping it was the meds, but according to the nurse, it is all just part of the process.

Thank you for the prayers. I will pray for your family as well.

Take care.

Tad

[golf mom]

It's breast cancer. My mom was actually diagnosed at stage IV 11 years ago and it was thought that she had only months at that point. She responded very well to a brand new drug that had just been FDA approved. She was never in full remission and has needed various chemo drugs all these years, but she has done a lot with her life and improved life for many others along the way.

It's very hard to let go, Tad. It's also very hard to see my mom suffer. Her quality of life is extremely poor. Last week she was scheduled to try a new chemo drug, but she started deteriorating rapidly. She seems to have only days left.

Tad, as hard as this is we are so blessed to be able to love our mothers through the end of their lives. We've been through tremendous heartache with our individual sitches, but watching a parent die puts it all in perspective.

Thank you for the prayers. Take care of yourself.