It is hard to say goodbye. I can see it eating at her and it tears me up because there is nothing I can do. She told me the other day that she feels like she is "running out of room inside." She has Pancreatic Cancer and I hear that it is one of the worst and the most painful cancers. However, I would have to say that I am thankful for the past month that we have had. We have had great conversations and have grown so much closer.
In other news:
I am sitting here watching one of my little ratties clean her face after chomping down some lettuce. I realized the other day just how much joy they have given me. It sounds funny, but they really do brighten my day. They are like little miniature puppies and are extremely smart. I think that the old me (pre-XW's MLC), would have never even found so much joy in just a couple of little rats. Most people are disgusted by rats, but I couldn't imagine not having them.
I've also realized something else recently. Even up until about a month ago, I used to DREAM of the chance to talk to XW and would always plan things out in my head of what I would say to her. Nowadays, I find myself saying in my head: "I really have nothing to say to her." It's true. I really don't. Actually, the thought of her is starting to disgust me. I'm getting where I can think of her and almost giggle.
Do I wish my marriage would have been saved? Absolutely. I wish that I would have never needed to find this forum, but......it is what it is.
If you are a noobie, believe me, it really does get better. Others on this board would probably tell you that I was one of the stuck ones or even one of the more pathetic ones but....
It does get better.
Do I still hurt? Absolutely but....
It does get better.
Hang in there.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
