Oh and one other note. I was starting to think his g/f was out of the picture. However last night I recommended my H head back to his house so he could get some rest ( he keeps staying up later than he'd like because he has to wait for his mom to go to bed before coming up to sleep. I don't think he wants to talk about anything to do w/ us w/ her so he's pretending to sleep on the couch this week).
He went from looking completely exhausted to picking up his phone and texting like crazy. He didn't touch his phone all day until he thought he'd be at his own house last night. The fact that he threw his phone down, face down, on the counter when I walked by gave me the distinct impression he was making plans. I know, mind reading on my part.
He did end up falling asleep here but abruptly got up and went downstairs in the middle of the night. He never came back up so who knows what's up.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Well, I'm not too well-versed on experience with kids other than niece's and nephew's on a limited basis and not step kids. That's a tough one. All I can say is if you have that conversation, he needs to realize that they're going to be growing up and changing very fast. He needs to come to terms with that they'll not be that age forever.
Time does not discriminate and maybe at some point the two of you can have a serious conversation about how to handle that situation to where he feels like he can take on the step-parenting role with more clarity. That's something that would probably the help of a counselor. Do your kids spend time with their father or is he out of the picture?
I think that you just need to see how he continues to interact with you and maybe he'll want to have that conversation. It's something that you'll need to address but I think if that is a big problem with him, it's overcome-able but it will take a lot of frank and candid conversations about that topic.
Reality-creep is tough when it comes back into the picture but you have to go back to all the progress that you have made up to this point and ask yourself the tough questions about what are truly deal-breakers as you move forward. Keep you spirits up and don't get too down about momentarily situations as things could change again next week.
Remember the indisputable fact of life: All things change with time and circumstance. That being said, kids grow older and mature and become more manageable.
Keep me posted!
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
Yes, the kids spend time with their father regularly. Also, we did start to touch on step-parenting in counseling a few months ago. The info was very helpful but my H took off so we never got back to the subject. I'm hopeful in time that we can get back to our counselor to learn more transition techniques.
In other news - I survived the weekend and my MIL is now on her way home.
Things are going well and a couple of things have happened that are starting to rebuild my confidence that my H may have a higher chance of sticking around this time.
1 - I brought up an unpleasant conversation (talking about how I wanted him to show a little more patience with my kids). He didn't head for the hills despite the less than positive topic as he has done in the past. Instead he actually came home the next day upbeat and exceedingly patient with my kiddos. It was a side of him I was very very happy to see.
2 - In the past my H has come around and made up right before visits from his mom only to leave the minute she went home. She left yesterday and he hung around and made us a very elaborate dinner last night. He was also extra snuggly last night so it doesn't seem like he has it in his mind to go anywhere with her departure.
Side note - Its funny because I try to let him take the lead on things and we haven't kissed at all despite laying beside each other for the past week or so. Then last night I kissed his cheek and this morning he gave me a kiss on the forehead. It reminds me so much of when we were first dating. As much as I hated being separated this summer and being in limbo is confusing, it is also kind of nice to get to know him all over again and go through this new/awkwardness that you only really feel when you first meet. Letting him pursue me has taken a great deal of patience/self control but it is a really great feeling when he does pursue. So for anyone out there still pursuing - stop you'll enjoy being pursued all the more when it finally happens.
3 - He's still cooking like crazy for us and being very helpful. This is a big 180 from what I used to expect from him.
4 - He mentioned that he called a rental company about renting out his house. We haven't formally talked about him moving back (he's just sorta been staying here since we brought our newborn S home from the hospital) so it was interesting to see that his head was at after staying over for the past week and a half.
5 - H asked if I wanted to go for a walk last night and we went for a lap around the block. This seems pretty trivial but my H always hits the gym during the day for 2 hours so its not like he needed the exercise and he usually hates being outside since he works outdoors. He just wanted to spend time with me and our S and that just felt really really nice... and really really NORMAL.
On my side of the fence I'm struggling a bit to figure out how to DB with a newborn. I'm still limited in my activity so I can't be out and about doing anything too exciting. To be honest I'm happy just sitting around staring at my baby all day while I recover (he's so cute) but it doesn't exactly make for great conversation when H is around. I'm trying to stay up on the news, read things online etc so I have conversation starters. I'm also pretty tired so there are times where I hit the wall and feel like my brain is in slow motion. This is to be expected when you are up at all hours of the night, its just tricky water to tread when you are also trying to save your marriage :p
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
Yes, the kids spend time with their father regularly. Also, we did start to touch on step-parenting in counseling a few months ago. The info was very helpful but my H took off so we never got back to the subject. I'm hopeful in time that we can get back to our counselor to learn more transition techniques.
In other news - I survived the weekend and my MIL is now on her way home.
That's good that you've discussed it prior to DBing..
Things are going well and a couple of things have happened that are starting to rebuild my confidence that my H may have a higher chance of sticking around this time.
1 - I brought up an unpleasant conversation (talking about how I wanted him to show a little more patience with my kids). He didn't head for the hills despite the less than positive topic as he has done in the past. Instead he actually came home the next day upbeat and exceedingly patient with my kiddos. It was a side of him I was very very happy to see.
For guys to listen in a sincere manner and actually adjust their approach to a situation in order to make you happy is a big, big deal. He's paying attention to your feelings.
2 - In the past my H has come around and made up right before visits from his mom only to leave the minute she went home. She left yesterday and he hung around and made us a very elaborate dinner last night. He was also extra snuggly last night so it doesn't seem like he has it in his mind to go anywhere with her departure.
More positive and encouraging signs that he's getting comfortable with reconciling but again, you gotta be cool.
Side note - Its funny because I try to let him take the lead on things and we haven't kissed at all despite laying beside each other for the past week or so. Then last night I kissed his cheek and this morning he gave me a kiss on the forehead. It reminds me so much of when we were first dating. As much as I hated being separated this summer and being in limbo is confusing, it is also kind of nice to get to know him all over again and go through this new/awkwardness that you only really feel when you first meet. Letting him pursue me has taken a great deal of patience/self control but it is a really great feeling when he does pursue. So for anyone out there still pursuing - stop you'll enjoy being pursued all the more when it finally happens.
That is really great statement and I know exactly what you mean with your feelings above. Hard work and patience eventually pays off but you got to keep playing it cool. I think it's easy to take on the role being pursued after you've had a significant time apart. You gotta eat that up right now because it validates all your efforts.
3 - He's still cooking like crazy for us and being very helpful. This is a big 180 from what I used to expect from him.
That is definitely a positive sign from a guy.....he's interested.
4 - He mentioned that he called a rental company about renting out his house. We haven't formally talked about him moving back (he's just sorta been staying here since we brought our newborn S home from the hospital) so it was interesting to see that his head was at after staying over for the past week and a half.
Very positive sign and odd topic for him to bring up but one that is an outward sign. Effort = Interest
5 - H asked if I wanted to go for a walk last night and we went for a lap around the block. This seems pretty trivial but my H always hits the gym during the day for 2 hours so its not like he needed the exercise and he usually hates being outside since he works outdoors. He just wanted to spend time with me and our S and that just felt really really nice... and really really NORMAL.
You gotta take advantage of those moments alone and use it as a way to show him you're willing to "do the dance" right now.
On my side of the fence I'm struggling a bit to figure out how to DB with a newborn. I'm still limited in my activity so I can't be out and about doing anything too exciting. To be honest I'm happy just sitting around staring at my baby all day while I recover (he's so cute) but it doesn't exactly make for great conversation when H is around. I'm trying to stay up on the news, read things online etc so I have conversation starters. I'm also pretty tired so there are times where I hit the wall and feel like my brain is in slow motion. This is to be expected when you are up at all hours of the night, its just tricky water to tread when you are also trying to save your marriage :p
I have been reading a really short book that has been a good compliment to DR/DB called "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman (PhD Marriage Counselor and Minister). It has personal development exercises at the end of each chapter and really good/practical perspective on things from a Biblical/Christian perspective. I like the DB/DR books because they're non-denominational/religious-oriented and reality-driven solutions that work. This one will give you some additional avenues to explore for more perspective on your sitch.
Finally, you are doing really, really great right now. I was concerned in your last post that there may be some backsliding happening with your efforts (from his side, not yours) but that does not seem to be the case. He was probably glad to see his Mom leave and can now be more relaxed around you with her back home. She may have cussed him out in a side-bar conversation and lit a fire under his butt about being a responsible parent and most importantly a loving husband....you never know!
Keep us posted!
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
My H continues to beat around the bush when it comes to talking about R or moving back. He'll say things like 'it's getting really old living out of a bag' and 'we should probably talk about it at some point' but he never actually sits down or initiates a conversation.
I personally don't feel the need to talk anything out at the moment (granted I'm not the one living out of a bag ) but he keeps making it sound like he wants to talk but never does when we have the time. Last night he ended up working late and stayed at his place for the first time in a about a week. Of course when he's an hour away he starts texting me to tell me how much he's enjoyed being around me and the kids and brings up the R topic. I must be doing a good job of not letting on my own emotions because he said "I would love to know what you are thinking."
I don't feel like I'm being cold or pushing him away, but I'm also not hanging all over him and pushing to move things forward when he's here.
He's just hard to read and isn't doing anything in the affection/I love you department to move things in any particular direction. He's also really avoiding any in person conversations to really get out what he's thinking.
He did say that it made him smile when he caught me kissing his forehead when he was sleeping. However, I'm still hoping for him to take charge and not make me do the work of repairing things. If he wants to move closer he's got to be the one leaning in... and not just doing so by text when he's not home.
Unrelated, I'm finding this place between being separated and 'piecing' things back together a bit confusing at times. There are certain conversations I would love to have, not about reconciling but also not fun topics that I would love to put off until we have been on firmer ground for longer, but some can't wait.
For example, I'm on maternity leave sweating it till my next paycheck. Paying for this little kiddo is going to push me to the very edge financially of what I can handle. H has agreed to pay child support but has also made it sound like it would be a great burden on him to pay the amount required. Then this week he hands me an envelope of money. He said he was going to buy something from his friend but it fell through so instead of depositing back into his account he gave it to me instead. Umm hello - we just had a baby 2 weeks ago and I'm praying I can cover my bills this month. If he's struggling to give me money for child support how is he still making big purchases? If we were really moving toward reconciling I'd need him to make this a team effort to get through this time off of work for me. However, I don't want to bring it up and set us back to where he takes off and I'm on my own again.
Money is always such a downer
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
I understand about the whole money downer thing. Hopefully this weekend will go well for you with him.
Keep in mind that you're still making progress but you cannot control the pace of things, just your attitude, actions, and reactions.
Money is one of those subjects that can cause things to go sideways fast but it is also a topic that cannot be swept under the rug considering the circumstances. That's a judgement call you your part right now.
You may want to make a list of the big bills that need to be addressed for your clarity and then you're ready to address them when the time is right.
Hang in there and be patient!
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
I'll start w/ the positive. I've mentioned in the past that my concerns about my H centered around him not helping at home and his lack of trying to connect w/ my kids (his step kids). Last night he offered to watch my kids while I attended a meeting. I returned home to a clean house and garage... And my H played cards w/ the kids while I was away. It was very nice to come home to all of that!
On the less than positive side I'm still struggling to rebuild trust and confidence that things will be different this time around. My H is working so hard to rebuild "us" but then he'll go from staying over nightly to finding reasons to leave several days in a row. Waiting till midnight to abruptly say he's going back to his place (an hour drive away) after we just watched a movie together sends such mixed messages.
I previously told him he could come and go as he pleased after our son was born (to see him), but I've just gotten this strong sense he's pulling away and so I told him this randomly staying or not staying isn't helping me feel any better about things between us. Its just felt like old times right before he'd take off again.
I tried to set a boundary that he give me his plans of when he intends to come and go so I know what to expect and it led to a pretty emotional weekend and a lot of miscommunication between us. We both agreed that we have to settle into something more consistent. He said it was his intention to stay here nighty from now on. Then last night despite the great job he did w/ the kids and house he ended up having yet another reason to leave unexpectedly shortly after I got home. Tonight he said he'd be over after work but ended up dosing off at his place and here I am alone again today.
I can't tell if he's really got other stuff coming up, if this is OW related, if work is really just busy right now... I don't want to spend anymore time thinking about it but him being inconsistent just takes back to that dark memories of going through infidelity. I can act as if and put on a smiley face but inside this inconsistency is really breaking me down!
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
It sounds like you're on the Piecing Roller Coaster. The inconsistency would wear me out as well. That's good that he's making an effort with your kids but I think you have to employ some extra degree of patience as the newness of the baby starts to wear off.
It sounds like if you start pushing too much that you may push him right out the door again. You got to revert to some old mindsets of play it cool with the understanding at some point it will start to filter out with regards to his feelings and intentions about the future.
You got to remain strong for your own well-being right now. That's an empty space to occupy but it's probably the only thing that will work.....if you want it to work out long term.
My WAW's birthday is this Sunday and I'm resigned to not sending her a card but part of me wants to but I'm thinking that it's best to act as if I've moved on with the situation. I know that some of her girlfriends are taking her out on Saturday, so she'll have stuff to do but I doubt if she'd even acknowledge a card from me either way.
Special occasions are tough and I'm having to prep myself for the reality of holidays being spent alone without her for the first time in 10 years. Not fun but that time of the year is coming whether I like it or not.
Hang in there and be patient with things, I know it's tough.
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
That's good that he's making an effort with your kids but I think you have to employ some extra degree of patience as the newness of the baby starts to wear off.
You know Confluences, for not having kids you certainly nailed this right on the head. The newness has indeed worn off (for him anyways) and I can already see it becoming a chore for him to help with things that he seemed eager to do in the first few days/weeks. Patience, patience, patience...
How did you end up handling your W's birthday? There's never a 'right or wrong' for holidays so I'm sure a card or no card would be fine and not make a significant change good or bad to your sitch. Also, any progress on your deals going through?
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
When in doubt do nothing, which is what I did...nothing. No card, no e-card, no e-mail, no phone call, no text message...nothing.
I did remind a friend of mine that it was her birthday and he called her to wish her Happy Birthday but that was on his own accord. He suggested I give her a call and I told him that it's just not good timing right now.
Deals are getting finalized. You lose faith in people so fast because 98.5% of the people you deal with are a waste of time....which is kind of why my WAW lost faith in me....dreadful . We made more adjustments today on them and tomorrow has some deadlines that need to be met on documentation which will be good benchmark as to them getting done this month.
I did not think much about her Birthday and maybe that's a product of going dark and how detaching is about focusing on removing the emotions from the situation. I thought about it more today actually and it was disappointing that I could not do anything with her/for her. I just know it will get more challenging as the holiday season approaches, so I guess it was a good trial by fire.
Will keep you posted.....sounds like we both need more shots of patience, it's all we got control over right now.
Me: 42 WAW: 37 Kids: 0 Separated: 06APR13 M:7 Years, T:10 years WAW states she wants to "move on": 01JUL13 "Courage is the standing army of the soul which keeps it from conquest, pillage, & slavery."
you'll enjoy being pursued all the more when it finally happens.
. We made more adjustments today on them and tomorrow has some deadlines that need to be met on documentation which will be good benchmark as to them getting done this month.