When amicable makes you want to scream

[Underdog]

Muse,

There is always hope. And even if the outcome isn't what you are working for right now, you'll find hope that you'll come out a better and happier person.

I came home, and my husband who has been "house sitting" seemed both happy and afraid to see me.

I am back, calmer, more self assured and ready to see where my path is going to lead me.

I've always found getting away from my general life and living in my head suits me well. Glad it gave you and your D a chance to regroup.

We have a LOT of debt, most of it happened when we were handed an unexpected "bill". It was a years salary, and it crippled us for 4 years. It has caused a lot of strife.

Yes this has made me incredibly worried about money, and probably a control freak about it. And I bet I have been incredibly critical, and have hurt his self esteem. The debt is paid ,we have climbed out of that hole and are finally on solid financial ground. But the hurt, his and mine, are still there.

I can totally understand this dynamic. Muse, you might have to go back to your childhood to work on where this fear originated and how you're going to manage in the future. If it makes you feel better, I had to do it myself. My situation wasn't as desperate as yours, but I grew up without much $$ and whenever my parents seemed to get some, some catastrophe came along to take it away.

I have a mother figure mentor who lives life with the attitude of abundance. Everything she has RIGHT NOW is enough. I've worked really hard to approach my own fears like that. The more attention you give to the fear, the more likely you will manifest what you think about.

Maybe tell yourself that money is currency only. It buys what you need, but it will not be the one thing that defines you. I realize you had some setbacks. I'm a business owner, and the past 4 years put me into massive debt. I'm having a good year in 2013, and slowly making some headway but I have a long way to go. I just look at it as work in progress and then leave myself alone.

Have you ever read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge? I'm going to suggest it to you to maybe help you understand the male psyche. It rocked my world, and when I finished it, I cried like a baby. I realized that I had contributed to breaking down a man who was trying to do what men do instinctively.

This doesn't excuse irresponsibility.

We do talk, he hides behind this wall of politeness, and I am told how happy he is, how free he is, and how much he is looking forward to doing now that he has that freedom. I do have an update as of last night, but I will get to that at the end.

I can see that you're taking his comments personally. Don't! Listen, if your H ain't happy, there is no way your marriage will be happy. Listen to him. Watch him. What's he getting from his "freedom" that he doesn't have when he's with you? Really look at this, Muse. Here is a good part of the answers to your questions.

Encourage him to seek the answers he needs, Muse. Be supportive. Be empathetic. Apparently, there is a lot of hurt and resentment here and you are going to have to shelve yours for awhile to heal this. Keep telling yourself that you want to be happy vs. right. Dropping the scorekeeping is what helps the forgiveness process.

Now, for that update?

Betsey