I am having a hard time not getting sucked into his “pursuit and distance” dance. Things start going well and I get hopeful…and then, he does/says something that sabotages every forward step we’ve made.
Why does he do that!!!!!??????
Hi Angela,
This is a very common thing for a WAS to do. They are conflicted and confused about what they want, sometimes they're scared about the steps they are taking and are afraid you might decide to pull the rug out from under them and leave yourself.
Therefore, for various reasons, they will "try on" being nice to you, or "try on" working with you on the marriage.
When they then see that you are getting your hopes up or having expectations of them, they will panic and shut you down again by being mean.
This is sometimes called a "touch and go" like a plane touching down and then immediately taking off again.
The best way to handle it is to be unphased by his behavior either way. If he's nice to you, you just take it in stride but don't expect it to continue, and therefore ask for nothing. When he's mean to you, you just let that roll off your back too. If he says he's going to find an apartment, tell him "good luck with that, I hope it makes you happy"
Basically, you want to "lean in" to the direction he's going, so that you don't position yourself as his adversary.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
