Confused about detaching!!!

[chasingpavements]

Hi Angela! Sounds like your H is acting pretty confusing, same as mine! It's hard to be around them when they are acting like that. I will give you some ideas of what helped me during the past few months in dealing with my H.

I found it was mostly 'trial and error', just testing and checking what was working vs not working. My DB coach told me a while back to take great notice of what things you are doing that are eliciting a positive response and keep doing those things, and quit doing the things that get a negative response. So really take notice of where things are working or going wrong.

You are also having one of the same problems I was having. Not knowing whether to give distance and space or not, and how much to give. In your case though, your H is actually telling you that he is feeling ignored, so I would say since he is saying that you can try to be around him a bit more often and see how that goes. I heard this term on here before, to act 'lovingly distant', if that makes sense. You can be there for him if he needs you to be, and if he needs someone to talk to. Just don't overdo it as it comes across as being needy/pressuring/etc.

You will eventually find a balance with how to act around him. Most importantly, make sure that the changes you want to make are for YOU, and that you are doing it for yourself not to please him.

Sounds like he is a little skeptical that the changes you are making are real, and are going to stick. This is quite common! My DB coach told me if you hear them say that, you can just tell him that you can understand why he would think that but that the changes have stuck so far. (and leave it at that). Or if he tells you that your changes are "too little too late", you can reply with a simple "just enough, just in time".

Also very important to be consistent with the changes!! He will start to notice over time as long as you remain consistent

Best of luck!
Have a great week,
-cp