this family stuff- if nothing else it's either confirmation i'm icky- OR - IT'S a distraction from mlc insanity.
HERE'S THE THING - this woman has decided that the spew from sister & her h & my mom ( less so- but a problem as well-(ongoing always , her dissatisfaction with me ) - is unacceptible and has kind of pushed me over some line with this latest ambush.
(it's the 2nd time an mom emergency ending in a hospitalization & alot of worry & time & stress for me alone - has ended with my sister's h telling me - when it's all sorted & "fixed up" what a rotten person i am (wait- i lie- i'm a "horrible daughter" and "horrible person" and "should be ashamed of myself" - . I AM SEEING A TREND AND I AM NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.
THAT sis felt compelled to tell me she "hates me - everyone hates me". well, i get it's their anger issues - BUTTTTTT
(older sister verbally supportive - but never ever "there" - and next younger - actually helps out a bit & is here too a bit) - HOWEVER
i think - somehow - i will be conveying to them all that i do not accept any longer this role i'm cast in (as THE only RESPONSIBLE ONE) , in this family.
i've always "bought in" to the notion that i am here and most likely candidate for mom-care - peacemaker - go-between, etc.) - - - and i do what i can because i'm free to- AND CHOOSE TO. (MY OWN conscience and "goodwill" (for want of a better way to put it).
now, in light of "power couple's" (& everyone) making plain their disdain & EXPECTATIONs that i continue without question ; and their certainty that it's my "JOB" and whenever they waltz in or out i automatically pick up the entire load and carry it until they see fit to "drop by" again,
I find myself thinking NO . i am shoved into a new feeling about my self in life and my role with all these people i thought cared about me - as well as how i care about them. (thanks a lump MLC)...
the feelings are not equal- i may have expected more than i should have from (well, everyone) them all in life. my mistake.
i am going to figure out how to be same old "good egg" and nice guy i actually am ...
- BUT stand my ground with them too - and convey i will no longer accept position - of the family dumping ground - nor am i the "rock" they all get to use as a stepping stone to their own ends. idk how really- but i'm going to try- and take a stand of some sort.
sadly (for them) - i still see myself as a person with the right to a certain amount of respect for what i do & what i am. i never made an issue of fact that it benefitted them all to have me here stepping and fetching for mom - at the least i thought it was appreciated. it's nothing to them all- since they don't do it at all- they don't appreciate it at all...
who knows- maybe i'll just say i'll do one month out of four- you guys feel free to figure out how you'll "do" your month of care - it's nothin to me. what? equality?????
see how that flies. i am very "done" after the tongue lashings that have been dealt out around here.
ta da- this woman STANDING UP - YES, contrary to popular opinion- there is a spine in there... somewhere.....
too bad when people mistake flexibility & "understanding" for desire to be doormat.
