I will never again have the same perception of my W. If you had asked me before BD what her strongest trait was I would have told you "loyalty". I would have said "I trust this woman with everything, even my life." Strip away the loyalty and the trust and who is she? Well, that is who she is right now- not the person I married. I don't know what switch flipped in her, but even if she flipped it back I could never trust her the way I did before BD. Would I want to be married to someone I can't trust and who isn't loyal?
You know, I thought that way right at the beginning, but after reading DB and DR, I want to believe that trust can be restored in a relationship. MWD certainly thinks it can!
I'm a recovering pessimist, and that little voice in my head that I have been trying to ignore since I began my 180s says, "No, she's wrong, you could never trust your W again." And you know what? I wanna prove that negative little SOB in my head wrong. In some areas, I am a very idealistic and black and white person, but I also realize that in a way, that is a pretty unrealistic way to live.
Just some food for thought. Best wishes to both of you.
OMG, AS! Are you reading my mind?!!! FD"If you had asked me before BD what her strongest trait was I would have told you "loyalty". I would have said "I trust this woman with everything, even my life." Strip away the loyalty and the trust and who is she?"
Change "she" to "he" and you are talking about my H before BD too!!! Family man and loyal H to the end, I thought....not so much.
Lately (since my vaca w boys to my brother's/SIL's & since prob OW and he decided NC) he has made a HUGE effort to be around the boys a lot. He is stepping up with carpooling to activities and trying to be "more present" when he is around them.
Since school has started I haven't seen him too much except on Monday when we separate (at my request) drove to see his S and family.
He's been pleasant enough to me and I continue to be upbeat when I'm around him as much as possible. BUT, he has said nothing about contact w OW (as he started back to work with her 1 1/2 weeks ago). I am not interested in asking at this point.
I don't know where his thoughts are. I am trying to focus on me. Not sure where MY thoughts are.
Not contacting cute guy this week via text. Figure it is better if I text him less or not at all. Last text I sent he did not respond to, so I don't want to torture myself by pursuing something I really don't want anyway (a going-nowhere, physical R w cute guy who only wants to have fun).
(Not that I want I meaningful/deep R with new guy either! ...I don't think...although, ultimately that is what we all want.)
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
While H didn't have an affair before BD, I guarantee he was certainly interested in MG, so I, too, have those, " is he thinking about her" thoughts. will he think about her thoughts?
And since he was fooling around with me while seeing her, I would have a tough time addressing trust as well. So I would have to discuss it with him in a safe space if we were ever to date or begins new relationship.. I think that could easily destroy whatever was new.
Trust, loyalty, is the hardest thing to give back to the WAS, I think. The potential for huge amounts of hurt is so great, your heart just wants to protect itself at all costs.
I agree, ruby, that trust and loyalty would be the hardest things to rebuild. Not sure how that happens, but it seems there are situations where is HAS happened.
I, however, do not allow myself to have hope about this. First of all, I'm not sure I want hope. Part of me feels like it would be easier at this point if H continued on his path away from me & maintained R with OW. I think it wouldn't take too much more for me to walk away.
BUT, I am enjoying my new job & that is a very positive highlight in my life. My boys are starting their fall activities in full force, so my life has suddenly gone from lazy, summer mode to a full-fledged packed schedule!
And, with those distractions I am happy enough to just let things be (however they be) with my H.
FYI- He has been complimenting more frequently when I arrive home from work and he is there (dressed up)...haven't had that in a while! I have complimented him as well (he works out A LOT & I know WOA is his #1 LL). (Is mine too !)
Have refrained from texting cute guy this week...hasn't been easy, though!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
GTO, so happy to hear about your new job going well! Keep working on you and staying away from the neighbor until you can get clarity.
Here is my take: whoever we are is who we are now. The only way to get past betrayal is to see the person who betrayed us for who they are NOW, not for what they did in the past. Yes, easier said than done. But it's the only way. Remember we were betrayed not out of malice but bc our spouses thought they were doing what they needed to do and was best for them at the time. That's the approach I'm taking with Joe. Unfortunately, he continues making stupid mistakes, so that's his current self still. But I tell myself that he can't see what he's doing as a mistake bc if not he wouldn't be doing it.
The keys are to let go of the past and to be compassionate.
GTO, give yourself all the time you need. As I've said before, I see the opportunity for your H to be committed again. BUT it is your decision--no one else's.
The way I see it our spouses have proven their loyalty and devotion to us for decades. Sure, they messed up big time recently, but any new partner we hook up with can too... and they have ZERO "good" track record with us.
The key is if the WAS has truly repented and is ready to make it work. If they are, that's when the new M can be better than anything anyone new off the street can offer.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The thing is my H has not said ONE WORD about wanting to R or save our M or come back to me or anything like that!
He has apologized for F---ing up our lives & causing me & the boys so much pain and anguish. But, he clearly is in mourning over NC with OW and his words resonate in my brain, "I don't know how I'll ever get over my feelings for OW."
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
This is why everyone is advising you to take your time, Lil G. The best things in life are worth waiting for. Just enjoy your life and see what happens. H is in the fog. I'm not surprised he hasn't figured out you're the prize yet. When he does, you make him chase you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"This is why everyone is advising you to take your time, Lil G. The best things in life are worth waiting for. Just enjoy your life and see what happens. H is in the fog. I'm not surprised he hasn't figured out you're the prize yet. When he does, you make him chase you."
I LOVE this advice...we LBS's get so caught up in "chasing" after our spouse that we forget...we are a pretty good catch, too. This is GREAT advice! Definitely helped me today! Enjoy your life...forget about your spouse for a bit and remember that you are important and special!
!)