All Out of Options

[Accuray]

MyPain,

Very sorry you've gotten to this place but Cadet is right, your old marriage is over and there's not much you can do unilaterally to change that when faced with a deadline.

First of all, you don't have to do this on his schedule, but if he feels you're just delaying, he'll get anxious and pressure you, so if you need a break, just propose an alternate schedule -- "H, I understand you want to sit down and review this, but I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. Let's agree to discuss it on 9/20, 2 weeks from today. That will give me time to mentally prepare."

That way, you're establishing an end point to the waiting and removing uncertainty and anxiety. As others have suggested, you should also consult a lawyer. That's different from contesting what he wants, you're just getting educated. My understanding is that in many states, divorce settlements all come out more or less the same regardless of how much money is spent on lawyers, so there's really not that much variability. You'll want to understand what to expect, and then review if H is trying to do anything out of the ordinary.

If H is in a hurry, that also gives you leverage as you can agree to move faster in exchange for concessions that you want. My ExBiL refused to vacate the house for 18 months which gave him considerable leverage when my sister wanted him out.

Here's the thing -- you're not done, you're not done until you decide to be done. The majority of divorces that are filed are cancelled before they are finalized, and even couples who divorce sometimes remarry. The point is not to view it as an unavoidable tragedy.

The reality that you will see on this board again and again is that you really cannot make much progress at all with H as long as he is involved with an OW. You're simply shut out. You can do lots of work on you, but not on your marriage, because he is not emotionally available to you. It becomes a waiting game, or "limbo" as it's called, and only you can decide how long you're willing to wait for his affair to end. When it does end, there is still no guarantee that he'll return, but if you've taken Michelle's advice and done 180, GAL, and Act-as-if, you dramatically improve your odds.

Accuray