When amicable makes you want to scream

[Muse]

I am going to try and repost my response to Underdog...I understand posts sometimes get lost....and I'm still on moderation...so it happens. LOL (I had it all typed up in Notes, so still have it)


Sorry for taking so long to respond everyone.  I took 10 days to run away to my home town. I reconnected with old friends and family. I took our daughter with us, it was good healing for both of us. I came home, and my husband who has been "house sitting" seemed both happy and afraid to see me. 

I am back, calmer, more self assured and ready to see where my path is going to lead me.

 

Money has always been a sore point, he spends it and then resents me for using what little we have to get the bills paid. I think it has become a control issue with him determined to spend and me determined to not spend....and the fight is on.

 

Sounds like you two have brought some childhood baggage and fears into your M and you're at an impasse. What's the psychology of his feelings about money? And what is your background? 

Are you a control freak? Do you have to have the last word? Are you sarcastic? Are you critical? A perfectionist? What are his chief complaints about you that you have not addressed?

 We have a LOT of debt, most of it happened when we were handed an unexpected "bill". It was a years salary, and it crippled us for 4 years.  It has caused a lot of strife. 

Yes this has made me incredibly worried about money, and probably a control freak about it.  And I bet I have been incredibly critical, and have hurt his self esteem.  The debt is paid ,we have climbed out of that hole and are finally on solid financial ground. But the hurt, his and mine, are still there. 

That being said, I'm willing to bet that in his mind you've accumulated a list of unpleasant character flaws that he feels are deal breakers. Can you share?

Oh yes. He feels that I have been judgmental, I have let myself go, I have held him back from having all the toys that his friends have, and assorted other things that I am not sure if he thinks them of me, or just doesn't want to see them in himself. 

This calm (even if some days it's only a facade) is perplexing him, I know. He keeps expecting me to call him repeatedly, to start a fight, to melt down, and I don't know what steps to take next.

 

This is what MWD calls a 180. If it has been your nature to engage with him this way, then stop it altogether. If you don't know what to do or say, then do or say nothing. 

He's undoubtedly moved out because he doesn't feel hopeful that things are going to change or that you are going to change. If he can count on you to dance the same dance with him, it's going to be more of the same. Change it up.

 

On Page 128 DB talks about, "Notice what is different about the times you are getting along." I had to dig far and deep. I couldn't pinpoint a single thing.

 

I know you can do this. You haven't been getting along for awhile. Do you talk at all?

We do talk, he hides behind this wall of politeness, and I am told how happy he is, how free he is, and how much he is looking forward to doing now that he has that freedom.  I do have an update as of last night, but I will get to that at the end.

If you have to go to the distant past for clues, when he felt happy with you, what were you doing or not doing that made him feel close and connected with you?

Your money differences are the elephant in the living room. But I'd bet my mortgage that they are the smoke screen for a lot of other struggles between the two of you.

Before we were financially destroyed, we were happy. We had ups and downs, a great sex life, communication (good and bad). I used to make his favourite meals, I learned to have the freezer stocked for the surprise 10 guys invited over for beer and whatever's LOL, we cleaned the house together(ok he had to be prodded a bit), overall, I think I made him feel needed, wanted and that he mattered. 

 

If I don't contact him, I seem to get a text asking how my day was, or he seems to need to stop by for something. 
 

 

Then use these opportunities to see what kind of response you get to attempts at conversation. Are you congenial or do you act petulant and whiny?

When we separated in 2008, yes. This time?  NO. I have tried to stay away from text/phone/email begging/pleading and whining. I try and keep it pleasant. 

What are you actively doing to stop the scorekeeping and work on the resentment?

Do you have a faith community or support network? Counselors?

Now some rules to live by while you figure stuff out:

1. Don't lose your temper.
2. Set some communication goals
3. Make sure you work on personal goals and things that make you happy.

I am deciding that the little stuff that drives me nuts, is really not about the stupid little stuff at all. It comes down to, if the bathroom is a mess, clean it or hire a service. If he is late, it's traffic or a long day at work, or beer with a friend, not him purposefully avoiding me. 

I keep saying to myself,  "Do I want to be happy or right?" 

I want to be happy.