Help needed

[seventeen]

uRworthy, you are right that some of his complaints about his unhappiness in the marriage do have merit. I didn't show him enough affection, generally, and I was resentful of his frequent overnight absences from home (for work). After 14 years of this (me at home with kids every day, him out traveling for work), I turned into a miserable, scolding drudge. I greeted him at the door with a laundry list of resentments--I had a sense of "deficit" that he needed to pay back--instead of the warmth and love and acceptance that he needed from me. I was waiting for him to WANT to change for me, because he could see how unhappy I was, but I wasn't willing to change for him.

I know now (from reading DB/DR) that I could have done a 180 and simply put my resentment aside, welcomed him home, and made everything better all by myself. This is my greatest regret--that I didn't realize I could do this until he'd already found the OW, who is kid-free and travels around with him everywhere now. She is never resentful of his absences, and she never will be. He has no responsibilities toward her at all. She is just "fun to be around"--his words.

I have addressed these issues with him in the past. Actually, only about 5 months ago, I begged for a chance to show him I can change, now that I know what to do, if only he'd only let me try. But he wouldn't get rid of the OW. And with the OW around, I don't have an opportunity to show him what I can do.

But you're right that I can work on some of these things without him--like letting go of resentment, appreciating how lucky I am to NOT have to travel for work so that I CAN be here for my kids every single day, and learning to detach from negative emotions so that I can give love freely when I'm with the people I love. And even if he never comes back, I will be a better person for those changes.