watch how he manipulated the situation: he acts immaturely and as a bad husband/father, then he "got down on himself", and your response is to try to make him feel better. then he leaves guilt free, believing he has you fooled and you've been tricked into rewarding him for bad behavior.
I found it somewhat annoying that be brought this all up hours before he was heading out for yet another "guys" night. He talks the talk but his actions are the opposite. And you are right, I used the next few minutes saying whatever I could to make him feel better.
Last night was weird too. He left for drinks with his work crew and called me 9pm saying he was on his way home to cuddle. I was surprised he was coming home so early and doesn't give much response. He goes,"that's it?" Aren't you hapy in coming home?" He is always looking for me to practically worship him and his actions. It's frustrating. Because i do.
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
KenF, thanks also for your words....my husband is a people pleaser and I think when I'm dissapointed or be thinks I am that's when he starts to manipulate me to make him feel better for his actions.
The other night he was really sad and kept saying I think you are mad at me for going out over and over till I said no, that's not true.
The problem is we have friends living with us and be went out with H that night and go wife who lives with us wasn't upset at all and fine with him going so it's hard to talk about it bothering me when it didn't bother her! But at the same time her H came home at 2 not 3:15. I expected them to come Home at the same time given they live together but no.
I sometimes question OW in times like these. I just never know how to tell...
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
Ok so I have it down...boundary needs to be set. Now I guess the issue isn't Him going out, it's how often and how late. This is where I struggle. Talking to him about it and making an honest boundary without sounding Controlling or like I'm nagging.
I still feel like him going out once a week till 4 am isn't wrong. Am I wrong? It bothers me cause it has never been in his nature. But does that mean its wrong?
It is incredibly unlikely that you and your husband will see eye-to-eye on everything. The trick to a healthy long-term marriage is respecting each others' boundaries, and learning how to negotiate or forgive everything else.
You say that him going out once a week until early in the morning doesn't really bother you? Great; when you are setting the boundary, make that part clear. If the problem is that he doesn't tell you when he's coming home (or doesn't abide by his promise when he does), then make THAT the boundary.
Maybe the best way to approach the idea of boundaries is to get him to agree to marriage counseling. If he REALLY is committed to the marriage, and honestly is struggling with being a good spouse and father, then get a professional involved! (But don't take your husband there to get "fixed"; it's very likely the counselor will have recommendations for you as well, and you should to listen to them.)
Let's get real: this voyage of self-actualization he's on is selfish and immature. If it's a true midlife crisis, then there are emotional elements that are beyond his control: in that case, the best you can do is set your boundaries and be patient.
But in the (more likely) case that it's not? Tough noogies, dude. You've made choices that you can't just pretend didn't happen, or that you can unilaterally rewrite.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Last night was weird too. He left for drinks with his work crew and called me 9pm saying he was on his way home to cuddle. I was surprised he was coming home so early and doesn't give much response. He goes,"that's it?" Aren't you hapy in coming home?" He is always looking for me to practically worship him and his actions. It's frustrating. Because i do.
This sounds like a control issue; abusers are good at doing that. Look up "gaslighting" on Wikipedia (since DB won't let us do outside links).
He didn't really come home early out of respect for you; it was so you would praise him for being a good husband. And when you didn't give him what he was looking for, he twisted it around on you. I suppose if you had fawned over him, he would have found some other excuse to be angry at you which you would simply accept as the truth.
I don't think you were being literal but if you were, then do yourself a favor; stop worshipping him!
First, he is doing very little right now that is deserving of praise, let alone "worship". He's acting very much like a spoiled child, and you don't coddle spoiled kids, you paddle their butts and send them to their room.
Second, you are making him responsible for your happiness, which is just as damaging to your relationship as anything he is doing.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Lll54 Trent is right on. he's being controlling and manipulative.
Originally Posted By: Lll54
The other night he was really sad and kept saying I think you are mad at me for going out over and over till I said no, that's not true.
he manipulated you again. you were mad at him for going out, but he played the sad card and got you to tell him you weren't.
he gave you the opportunity to come clean and set your boundaries. next time, take the opportunity. you're going to need to learn to stand up for yourself. learn to respect yourself.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
The problem is we have friends living with us and be went out with H that night and go wife who lives with us wasn't upset at all and fine with him going so it's hard to talk about it bothering me when it didn't bother her! But at the same time her H came home at 2 not 3:15. I expected them to come Home at the same time given they live together but no.
these are two completely different situations and its wrong to compare them, and does you no good.
the other couple have a separate and different relationship. she trusts her husband and her husband respects her enough to come home at what they've determined is a reasonable hour.
on top of that, they are also living with you and may be putting on an act so that you dont see any of their conflicts.
you cant know what goes on in their true private lives so a comparison is faulty at best.
again, trust yourself, learn to respect yourself more. your feelings and opinions are valid. your concerns are well founded. stand for what you believe, and dont be scared to stick to it.
what many people miss, and i missed when i was going through this, and this is very important:
he cannot respect you if you don't respect yourself.
standing up for yourself and showing that you respect yourself, demands respect from your husband. of course, he's not going to like that, because he wont be getting everything he wants from you, and he will push back and there will be more manipulation and childish tantrums, but eventually he will learn.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
