she was 89 - had a good life- it's just always sad to see someone heading out of our lives. just me.
ur- you know, i'm thinking i may not be setting the road on fire- but i kind of see myself moving forward, even if slowly.
the job & substituting - getting out and meeting new people- getting a life and paycheck - however modest the beginning- i think it's definitely SOMETHING biggish.
i go visit and get out of house as much as i have option to- i'm a homebody type person- so it's kind of new, tho i've always liked people and have friends - so it's just new that i actually transport my butt out to visit- but have been last couple years. it's nice they're there TO visit- when a body needs some company.
my mother is there- it's a given and even tho i'd like to "move past" all the family trauma- it does exist and she is living there a few minutes away - in her house - and she too must be dealt with, somehow , some way.
h - well, idk exactly what the heck i will DO about that (ultimately) . for the past two weeks entirely waaaay too much going on to even give it a thought just now. he's a cheating rat- BUT he is also a rock in my life (of some sort) - where none seem to exist anymore. (he pays bills, he interacts with mother when here ) and swears he'd come in a minute if ineeded him? !! wtf? idk what the heck is going on in his brain- i cannot bother any more to figure that out. i'd like to be all fearless girl - but honestly- even a crappy rock is something some days- rather than just swirling water with no foothold at all - anywhere. who knows- if i saw a bigger better one out there- i'd gladly take a step on - nothing more or other going on to be jumping to rite now tho - ta da...
going slow- eyes wide open- open totally to new experiences or possibilities - school starts next week, company coming - need to go meet body next week in NY state for burial- mom not un-feeble enough yet to function on own-
just seems like bunches of junk. so anyway-
xxoo this hate sister - she was the one i thought i was closest to- it's very icky to realize her anger issues or whatever it is she's got going on - that exists too. it hurts my feelings a bit and makes me mad a bit- BUT SHE'S alive, related and that's got to be faced also. i have no plan for any confrontation- she just exists and is in my life somewhat.
