My STBXW has reverted to the period of her late teens, when she was rebelling against her parents, sneaking out of the house, partying late and dating men 10 - 15 years her age. (current OM is 62, 13 years her senior).
I can’t change her, I'm just trying to understand.
"But her statements last night were different. They were truly delusional. I can't understand how she can completely reframe the factual reality of our lives.
I was there, we had sex. How can she honestly deny it?"
Yes, they re-write history fervently! It boggles your mind but there is nothing to be gained by trying to convince her that she is wrong...cuz you can't! I work in mental health and sometimes work with paranoid people and the worst thing you can possibly do is try and convince them that what they percieve is not true. They don't respond well. Same with spouses in these situations. You can supply dates that you had sex with her and show her the video (not that you have one!) and it won't make a difference. She will just resent you more and it will provide one more justification as to why she doesn't want to be with you. So just smile and wave...don't get into "I'm right and you're wrong" stuff 'cuz it goes nowhere. What if you said something like "Wow, I didn't know you felt that way about sex. I imagine it's been very difficult for you then" or something else in the empathizing line of thought. That would probably be a 180 for you and worth a shot. For e.g. I had a guy who thought he caused the Tsunami a few years ago. Instead of providing him with all the reasons he could not have caused the Tsunami I said "That must be very difficult for you feeling that you caused something so devastating. How do you deal with those feelings?" After a few sessions he told me "you know what, I know I didn't cause the Tsunami but you're the first counsellor who I ever felt understood me" Wow! Anyway, just some thoughts here off the top of my head. Hope they help in some way.
I wasn't really arguing with her about it. In and of itself, it doesn't matter much. I have just never talked to someone who seemed so out of touch and lost.
Sometimes when she says things that are perception based, I second guess myself and think "maybe she is right". But the complete suppression of something factual is difficult to understand. I have never seen anything like it before.
Sometimes when she says things that are perception based, I second guess myself and think "maybe she is right".
Absolutely, that's the beauty of sticking to a belief that is outrageously out of touch with reality. The other person starts to think "maybe she's right" because nobody would believe something that crazy unless it were true. The old Soviet Union lived...and died by that approach lol.
"I have just never talked to someone who seemed so out of touch and lost."
All of us have.
"But the complete suppression of something factual is difficult to understand. I have never seen anything like it before."
That's why you have to understand that she really isn't the same person she was before. She's searching for happiness and it's your decision if you want to aid her or not.
"My wife's aunt has told me that she is acting exactly like she did in high school. It is amazing how much your description rings true."
That's why I brought up the issue of the church. She needs some kind of proper guidance right now and if she's kicked out of the church, the only place she has to turn is the OM. But that's just my opinion.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
my husband denied events that I remember vividly...very vividly. I recall what I was doing at that moment too...
he honestly has no recall. When I filed for a sep it was to protect our assets b/c h was spending like he'd won the lottery (and NOT taken a six figure cut in pay to join the heroes on the "Last Frontier"...)
Two years ago, he blurted out that HE was "so glad WE didn't 'invest' all our assets up there b/c WE would have lost our house"...
(That's b/c the 'heroes' went out of business and everyone EXCEPT them, lost their shirts)...
so H had no actual recall of WHY "we" could not invest our home, which was b/c he'd need my consent...
I was silent, once again realizing that saying nothing might be the best or most loving thing to Not say.
Rock, I still feel your w could and would have "learned" So much more by staying in the church.
All the times you speak of the humiliation of her affair, which she denies...but I thought you meant HER humiliation, not yours.
Why are YOU ashamed of her having an affair?
If it reflects on you then remove the reason for that. IF it does not reflect on you,
then hold your head high and let your wife learn lessons from LIFE, not you.
And as much as you are "certain" she is having a PA with "all the OMs", which sounds odd to me (it would be different if it were one man, but few women "fall in love" with several OMs)
and her saying she "hates sex" is an interesting comment. She did not say she hates it "with you", but just sex in general. WAWs around here usually say sex was lousy UNTIL the OM, and their "real love"...
In fact I can't think of any wife who seems to be with OM(s) also saying she hates sex. Certainly not bringing a lot to the table as a new partner, is she?
Hates sex, gets VERY busy parts of the year and has kids...
something does not ring true or "right" in there. But who knows?
Focus on your own things. Your comment about being a better h was mostly about being better treated by your next wife and that was not what I was looking for. Even the comments about your appearance are superficial but still good goals.
Why not dig deep and find that streak in you that we see, which you deny?
Might there truly be some bitter resentment in there that is disguised as righteous indignation?
Just asking...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
