Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[Lll54]

Thanks...I have been MIA for a week. My best friend got married so we were away. Things seem to be getting better. We had a date night Friday and had a great time. Last night we bad friends over for supper so that was nice. Then this morning he informed me he is going for supper and drinks
To his buddies house.....the same buddy. The one I don't trust. And
again,I'm not invited....so what does be do but try to come up with a family plan for us to do something together today before be leaves. I call it guilt. I ask him him be friends girlfriend will be there. He didn't know. I find it odd that everything he hangs out with this guy I'm never invited. But his friends girlfriend is most likely going to be there....trying to brush it off and not let him know it bothers me. But I think I'm failinh

[Lll54]

Trent. You totally had it right...I feel like he goes out and tests me to see how cool I am and how I'm gonna react...what do I do I'm this situation?

[TrentC]

You know what my answer is going to be: set boundaries.

Let him know what is unacceptable to you, and what the consequences are if he continues.

I won't promise that he won't react badly. He will push back and accuse you of trying to control him, he'll threaten to leave, but you have to stand firm.

[Lll54]

I was hoping you would say something else. I feel like asking
him to come home earlier knowing he doesn't want to ia controlling a not worth jeopardizing my marriage over? It's 2:11 am and he is out again... And I don't foresee him home anytime soon. Our friends staying with us just came home from being with him and said he will be out late, stils a few guys left. Why is he single guy coming home way before the married man with three kids. Again...trying to prove something. And I don't know why? I never put up a fight, I never voiced anything bout when I would like him home. We had a good day! He got down on himself earlier saying he wishes he was a better dad and better husband but I tried to make him feel better and then he left? It's so confusing.

[TrentC]

I was hoping you would say something else. I feel like asking him to come home earlier knowing he doesn't want to ia controlling a not worth jeopardizing my marriage over?

Consider what you are saying. What he is doing hurts you and makes you miserable, but you don't think that's worth jeopardizing your marriage over?

I think you have it totally backwards; you are looking for something that you can say or do to get him to stop staying out late without starting a fight or making him angry. That is controlling behavior.

Couples fight; it's an unavoidable fact. The trick to having a healthy marriage is not to avoid conflict, but to work through it.

I've said it before. Boundaries are about discussing what behavior is unacceptable to you; it's about asking for your partner to have respect for you. As such, boundaries need to be about behavior that really is unacceptable to you because you have to be willing to enforce the boundary when it is violated. If you don't enforce the boundary, then you are literally communicating to him that it's OK to disrespect you.

He got down on himself earlier saying he wishes he was a better dad and better husband but I tried to make him feel better and then he left?

OK, one of two things is happening here. He is either completely full of crap about "wanting to be a better dad and better husband" and is giving you more hope to cling to, or he's having some kind of existential or midlife crisis.

The only thing keeping him from being the man he says he wants to be is himself. If he wants to be a better husband and better dad, then he needs to stop acting like an entitled ass.

(By the way, when he says stuff like that? That's an excellent time to discuss boundaries.)

[AnotherStander]

Why is he single guy coming home way before the married man with three kids. Again...trying to prove something. And I don't know why? I never put up a fight, I never voiced anything bout when I would like him home.

Maybe you should be a little tougher with him. Sometimes a WAS can be like a rebellious teen- teens push and push and push the boundaries to see what they can get away with. And if their parent knocks them back into place, they blow up in a dramatic fashion externally while internally they are joyful over the fact that someone loves them enough to enforce boundaries with them. Remember that DB'ing is experimentation- try different things and keep doing what works and discard what doesn't work. Don't be afraid to try something different.

[Lll54]

Consider what you are saying. What he is doing hurts you and makes you miserable, but you don't think that's worth jeopardizing your marriage over?

When you put it that way...yes. You are right. I am a mess...I love my H and want my marriage to work so badly that I'm willing to live on pins & needles everyday. I just can't seem to work up the strength! I just wanna scream!

OK, one of two things is happening here. He is either completely full of crap about "wanting to be a better dad and better husband" and is giving you more hope to cling to, or he's having some kind of existential or midlife crisis.

I think it may be the second one. Right after saying this he said he sometimes thinks he needs medication. He seemed to be somewhat joking about it but I think there was a bit of truth behind it. I didn't know what to say because I don't want him to resent me but I want him to get checked out so badly.

Maybe you should be a little tougher with him. Sometimes a WAS can be like a rebellious teen- teens push and push and push the boundaries to see what they can get away with. And if their parent knocks them back into place, they blow up in a dramatic fashion externally while internally they are joyful over the fact that someone loves them enough to enforce boundaries with them. Remember that DB'ing is experimentation- try different things and keep doing what works and discard what doesn't work. Don't be afraid to try something different.

So when the next 'guys' night arrives which i assume will be soon as they seem to be happening weekly lately do i just voice to him it bothers me he is going out so often and so late? He told me weeks ago that this is what he wants to do. That for many years of marriage he always did what "married" men are supposed to do and leave early but he doesn't want to be that man. He wants to come home when he wants...when he is tired, or not having fun anymore, even if its 4AM. By me telling him I don't approve he is basically gonna say tough luck. Then what?


The last few weeks seemed to be getting better and then the last two days have been a nightmare again. He went reffing last night and got home and snuck into bed with no kiss, or hey hunny im home which is always does. So i said "hi hun" and he goes "hey", in a snotty voice. I asked him whats wrong and he snapped 'I'm tired!' , so i left it. This morning before he left for work early he had his cell phone lighting up the closet cause I was sleeping and he didn't wanna hit the lights and i asked what he was doing and he snapped again, '"what do you think I'm doing?' I was appalled and didn't reply. So he said it again, " what do you think i'm doing?" I answered and and asked why he is so angry and he goes "cause you ask dumb question, that would be the day I would ask you such a dumb question" I was speechless. He was absolutely livid with me. And then came and gave me two big kisses and told me he loves me and left for work.

I'm at a loss for this sudden anger...and why he would come down and kiss me and tell me he loves me all in the same minute:(

[TrentC]

So when the next 'guys' night arrives which i assume will be soon as they seem to be happening weekly lately do i just voice to him it bothers me he is going out so often and so late? He told me weeks ago that this is what he wants to do. That for many years of marriage he always did what "married" men are supposed to do and leave early but he doesn't want to be that man. He wants to come home when he wants...when he is tired, or not having fun anymore, even if its 4AM. By me telling him I don't approve he is basically gonna say tough luck. Then what?

I don't know how many ways I can say it: you aren't going to get any meaningful changes without taking any risks. He may complain, he may get abusive, he may even walk away.

But if he does, that's on HIM, not you. Because if you are setting real, honest, boundaries and he can't accept them, then what he is saying is that he doesn't love you or respect you enough to change his ways.

What happens when he decides that "society" tells him he should be faithful to his spouse, but he just doesn't feel like he's being "true to himself" unless he's free to shag other women? You are giving too much power over your life to him. You, right now, are choosing to live in a state of panic and misery because you are afraid of taking a chance.

We've said it before: talk is cheap, and believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. That handwringing about "wanting to be a better husband and father" is directly contradicted by his actions. If you want to be a better husband, you don't tell your wife that you want to do whatever you want and she's not allowed to complain.

And as I said before, THOSE moments are perfect for setting boundaries. If he really does want to be a better husband—and isn't just blowing smoke to keep you on the hook—the first place he can start is by learning to LISTEN to you.

[KenF]

He got down on himself earlier saying he wishes he was a better dad and better husband but I tried to make him feel better and then he left?

OK, one of two things is happening here. He is either completely full of crap about "wanting to be a better dad and better husband" and is giving you more hope to cling to, or he's having some kind of existential or midlife crisis.

Third option (or and extension of first listed by TrentC): he's manipulating you to feel sorry for him, to distract you from being justifiably upset/disappointed with him. he's asking for a pity party. which goes along with: "saying this he said he sometimes thinks he needs medication."

watch how he manipulated the situation: he acts immaturely and as a bad husband/father, then he "got down on himself", and your response is to try to make him feel better. then he leaves guilt free, believing he has you fooled and you've been tricked into rewarding him for bad behavior.

this manipulation is simply a method of deflecting you from the real issues. you're then thinking about what this "poor guy is going through" instead of what this "poor excuse of a guy is putting us through".

[Lll54]

What happens when he decides that "society" tells him he should be faithful to his spouse, but he just doesn't feel like he's being "true to himself" unless he's free to shag other women? You are giving too much power over your life to him. You, right now, are choosing to live in a state of panic and misery because you are afraid of taking a chance.

I guess this makes good sense. And it's the truth. I'm scared to death to be alone and I'm disrespecting myself to make sure my husband and I don't split up. It's sad.

And as I said before, THOSE moments are perfect for setting boundaries. If he really does want to be a better husband—and isn't just blowing smoke to keep you on the hook—the first place he can start is by learning to LISTEN to you.

Ok so I have it down...boundary needs to be set. Now I guess the issue isn't
Him going out, it's how often and how late. This is where I struggle. Talking to him about it and making an honest boundary without sounding
Controlling or like I'm nagging. I still feel like him going out once a week till 4 am isn't wrong. Am I wrong? It bothers me cause it has never been in his nature. But does that mean its wrong?