Thank you all for taking the time to respond! I appreciate it!
Cadet
I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and reading the links you’ve provided me and others. Very helpful info! I needed to be reminded NO EXPECTATIONS! I do well when I remember this…but sometimes, get bogged down in my own thoughts on “shoulds”….what “should” be instead of what is. I HATE that I can’t (don’t?) do this better!
I appreciate your absolute honesty in your posts.
Mimi30
After your suggestions, my husband and I both took the 5 Love Languages quiz. And, I found out that his LL, by a long shot, is Acts of Service! All this time, I thought it was Physical Touch! Wow! Huge eye-opener for me. I think we took the quiz when we first married, and his was Physical Touch at that time. Is it common for LL’s to change over time?
My first LL is Physical Touch, though, which I didn’t know either! So, we’ve both been working on relating to each other’s LL. One of the first things that I let go when I’m stressed, depressed, etc. is the house cleaning, etc. Now, I’ve found out how important it is to my husband that the house is clean, etc. and that explains why he likes for me to fix his lunch, make supper, etc.
Also, thanks for the advice about your own sitch and “space”….because I get so caught up in following the DBing, that I forget to modify where I need to. My husband wants his space but gets his feelings hurt if I give him too much space.
He feels like I don’t care about him when I go dark….so I’m struggling to find that balance that you mentioned.
PatientMan
That’s good advice…to just figure out who I am. And, I am continuing to make positive changes in myself…changes that are good for me, regardless of what happens in my marriage. It’s tough, sometimes, because my instincts are too change to what he needs me to be. I feel like I’m bouncing all over the place.
And, yes, it seems that he changes his mind often on what he wants from me so that he can stay mad at me. Lol!
MagicJack
Thank you for sharing what happened with this in your sitch. My husband did tell me that I’m trying too hard and over analyzing everything….that I just need to chill out and let it be. It’s tough to do. I’m a “fixer” by nature and it’s tough to just sit back and let go.
I like how you said your wife was quiet and gentle and that welcomed you. I’ll work on this….just “being” instead of being so anxious to fix everything right now. I think that my trying to fix everything stresses my husband out.
On another note, because my husband is still at home, it makes things both easier and harder. Some days, it feels like we’re “piecing” as he initiates R stuff and is definitely trying to work on our R. But, then, other days, he is distant, mean, angry, and hurtful and starts looking for apartments, etc.
I feel like he’s in a MLC…but then, we have several days or weeks that are good and I wonder if he’s just been stressed or depressed and is getting better.
I am having a hard time not getting sucked into his “pursuit and distance” dance. Things start going well and I get hopeful…and then, he does/says something that sabotages every forward step we’ve made.
