I am totally confused about the detaching that I'm doing. Husband told me four days ago that I was "trying too hard" and that it is getting on his nerves. One of his complaints, before, in our marriage was that I never initiated anything, etc. so the past two weeks, I was dressing more carefully, making sure I looked nice, trying to be "sexy" etc...but then, he said I was trying too hard. He said he felt like I was changing so he wouldn't leave, not changing so he'd be happy. We also had a talk (that he started) about how I don't "need" him to stay....I could manage on my own...but that I "want" him to stay because I want our marriage to work. So, I backed off, thinking he needs space....that I need to detach. I've given him space the past four days. I let him initiate all conversations, etc. I haven't texted or called him about anything. I haven't tried to hug or kiss him, etc. But, tonight, before he left for work, he's mad because I've been "ignoring" him. I do a 180 one way, and then, have to do a 180 the other way because he changes his mind on what he wants. Now, I'm not sure if I should keep "detaching"...or reach out?
Frustrated and confused about what I need to do or not do!
I should also mention that H is showing all the signs of an MLC so he may be reacting to my DBing in a different way than I would expect?
Need advice, please! Anyone have a spouse who wants space then gets upset and feels "unwanted" because you're giving them space? Also, he keeps asking me what "I'm up to" and what my motives are like I'm doing something wrong behind his back. Ugh.
Detaching simply means getting to a point where you spouses hurtful words and actions (cause by whatever crisis they are going through personally) don't affect you negatively. They can say something really mean and instead of you getting angry, you understand they are in a crisis mode, so you respond in love or simy know to take a time out and come back to ir later and let them know how if made you feel.
If your husband wants you to initiate start slowly w/ things like touch.....if you have to walk closely past him touch his back or arm in a natural way. Sit next to him on the sofa and lean in to him a little. Simple things like that. And progress from there.
Have you read 5 love languages? Read it...find out what your husbands are and naturally do those things w/o seeming obvious.
Space is a delicate thing to give.....I followed many of the rules of giving space, no calling or texting and I think in my sitch it did more harm than good, i shouldve had more balance instead of the extreme as i was advosed to continue...its too late now. So really evaluate where you are in you relationship and do what best fits your sitch and know when to use the appropriate techniques.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Sorry for my typos.....I'm responding from a phone. All the best to you!
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
I am totally confused about the detaching that I'm doing. Husband told me four days ago that I was "trying too hard" and that it is getting on his nerves. One of his complaints, before, in our marriage was that I never initiated anything, etc. so the past two weeks, I was dressing more carefully, making sure I looked nice, trying to be "sexy" etc...but then, he said I was trying too hard. He said he felt like I was changing so he wouldn't leave, not changing so he'd be happy. We also had a talk (that he started) about how I don't "need" him to stay....I could manage on my own...but that I "want" him to stay because I want our marriage to work. So, I backed off, thinking he needs space....that I need to detach. I've given him space the past four days. I let him initiate all conversations, etc. I haven't texted or called him about anything. I haven't tried to hug or kiss him, etc. But, tonight, before he left for work, he's mad because I've been "ignoring" him. I do a 180 one way, and then, have to do a 180 the other way because he changes his mind on what he wants. Now, I'm not sure if I should keep "detaching"...or reach out?
Frustrated and confused about what I need to do or not do!
I should also mention that H is showing all the signs of an MLC so he may be reacting to my DBing in a different way than I would expect?
Need advice, please! Anyone have a spouse who wants space then gets upset and feels "unwanted" because you're giving them space? Also, he keeps asking me what "I'm up to" and what my motives are like I'm doing something wrong behind his back. Ugh.
Angela
Angela,
Pick who YOU want to be and just be that person. Disregard what your H says because, as you have experienced, he will find any reason he can conjure up to harbor ill feelings towards you...including when you do exactly as he asks.
Be who you want to be. He'll figure out it has nothing to do with him when you keep that up over time, but there's no getting around the work you have to put in to get there.
All the best,
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I might know what your husband is feeling. My wife and I have flipped roles the past month where she at first wanted to leave me, then when I discovered and exposed her EA she came begging and was literally laying on the ground crying for me to forgive her. We were separated for about a month and got into a few bad arguments until she started to feel I was being controlling and now has left me and begun the D process.
I know that for the first several days to a week after I discovered her EA and we were separated she kept sending me "uplifting" messages and trying to convey that she was a more positive and better person. It felt fake and honestly I kept reacting to it like "yeah, right". Then she mellowed out and did her own thing in the apartment and I found myself drawn back to spend time with her since she seemed like she was comfortable just doing her own thing. When I did return back to the apartment she was quiet and gentle and acted like she was happy to see me without overdoing it. It made me feel welcome.
I think in our case we tried to move to R too quickly and I wasn't familiar with DB stuff until just last week and we kept fighting until she couldn't take it anymore and bailed (she also has depression/anxiety issues she is on meds for).
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Thank you all for taking the time to respond! I appreciate it!
Cadet
I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and reading the links you’ve provided me and others. Very helpful info! I needed to be reminded NO EXPECTATIONS! I do well when I remember this…but sometimes, get bogged down in my own thoughts on “shoulds”….what “should” be instead of what is. I HATE that I can’t (don’t?) do this better!
I appreciate your absolute honesty in your posts.
Mimi30
After your suggestions, my husband and I both took the 5 Love Languages quiz. And, I found out that his LL, by a long shot, is Acts of Service! All this time, I thought it was Physical Touch! Wow! Huge eye-opener for me. I think we took the quiz when we first married, and his was Physical Touch at that time. Is it common for LL’s to change over time?
My first LL is Physical Touch, though, which I didn’t know either! So, we’ve both been working on relating to each other’s LL. One of the first things that I let go when I’m stressed, depressed, etc. is the house cleaning, etc. Now, I’ve found out how important it is to my husband that the house is clean, etc. and that explains why he likes for me to fix his lunch, make supper, etc.
Also, thanks for the advice about your own sitch and “space”….because I get so caught up in following the DBing, that I forget to modify where I need to. My husband wants his space but gets his feelings hurt if I give him too much space.
He feels like I don’t care about him when I go dark….so I’m struggling to find that balance that you mentioned.
PatientMan
That’s good advice…to just figure out who I am. And, I am continuing to make positive changes in myself…changes that are good for me, regardless of what happens in my marriage. It’s tough, sometimes, because my instincts are too change to what he needs me to be. I feel like I’m bouncing all over the place.
And, yes, it seems that he changes his mind often on what he wants from me so that he can stay mad at me. Lol!
MagicJack
Thank you for sharing what happened with this in your sitch. My husband did tell me that I’m trying too hard and over analyzing everything….that I just need to chill out and let it be. It’s tough to do. I’m a “fixer” by nature and it’s tough to just sit back and let go.
I like how you said your wife was quiet and gentle and that welcomed you. I’ll work on this….just “being” instead of being so anxious to fix everything right now. I think that my trying to fix everything stresses my husband out.
On another note, because my husband is still at home, it makes things both easier and harder. Some days, it feels like we’re “piecing” as he initiates R stuff and is definitely trying to work on our R. But, then, other days, he is distant, mean, angry, and hurtful and starts looking for apartments, etc.
I feel like he’s in a MLC…but then, we have several days or weeks that are good and I wonder if he’s just been stressed or depressed and is getting better.
I am having a hard time not getting sucked into his “pursuit and distance” dance. Things start going well and I get hopeful…and then, he does/says something that sabotages every forward step we’ve made.
Hi Angela! Sounds like your H is acting pretty confusing, same as mine! It's hard to be around them when they are acting like that. I will give you some ideas of what helped me during the past few months in dealing with my H.
I found it was mostly 'trial and error', just testing and checking what was working vs not working. My DB coach told me a while back to take great notice of what things you are doing that are eliciting a positive response and keep doing those things, and quit doing the things that get a negative response. So really take notice of where things are working or going wrong.
You are also having one of the same problems I was having. Not knowing whether to give distance and space or not, and how much to give. In your case though, your H is actually telling you that he is feeling ignored, so I would say since he is saying that you can try to be around him a bit more often and see how that goes. I heard this term on here before, to act 'lovingly distant', if that makes sense. You can be there for him if he needs you to be, and if he needs someone to talk to. Just don't overdo it as it comes across as being needy/pressuring/etc.
You will eventually find a balance with how to act around him. Most importantly, make sure that the changes you want to make are for YOU, and that you are doing it for yourself not to please him.
Sounds like he is a little skeptical that the changes you are making are real, and are going to stick. This is quite common! My DB coach told me if you hear them say that, you can just tell him that you can understand why he would think that but that the changes have stuck so far. (and leave it at that). Or if he tells you that your changes are "too little too late", you can reply with a simple "just enough, just in time".
Also very important to be consistent with the changes!! He will start to notice over time as long as you remain consistent
Best of luck! Have a great week, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I am having a hard time not getting sucked into his “pursuit and distance” dance. Things start going well and I get hopeful…and then, he does/says something that sabotages every forward step we’ve made.
Why does he do that!!!!!??????
Hi Angela,
This is a very common thing for a WAS to do. They are conflicted and confused about what they want, sometimes they're scared about the steps they are taking and are afraid you might decide to pull the rug out from under them and leave yourself.
Therefore, for various reasons, they will "try on" being nice to you, or "try on" working with you on the marriage.
When they then see that you are getting your hopes up or having expectations of them, they will panic and shut you down again by being mean.
This is sometimes called a "touch and go" like a plane touching down and then immediately taking off again.
The best way to handle it is to be unphased by his behavior either way. If he's nice to you, you just take it in stride but don't expect it to continue, and therefore ask for nothing. When he's mean to you, you just let that roll off your back too. If he says he's going to find an apartment, tell him "good luck with that, I hope it makes you happy"
Basically, you want to "lean in" to the direction he's going, so that you don't position yourself as his adversary.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
