pay no mind to the demons; they fill you w/fear

[Whiterose]

H messaged me again today, in a round about way, about the money: "so what has changed with the house? You originally told me first week of Sept and now you're telling me a few weeks?"

He doesn't know my parents have backed out and that I'm trying on my own. I'm waiting to see what the bank says. I need to tell him to lay off of me that these things tAke time. The original beginning of sept comment was in reference to what I would be deciding to do with the house and not that it would be a done deal with cheque in hand. The broker said if everything goes smoothly it would still take a month or two to wade through all the paperwork.

Anyone have any thoughts?

PS he messaged S14 yesterday and called and messaged today but S has not responded other than to say he was in class. I think he's punishing me again for being snubbed by the boys.

[job]

WR,
Mlcers take everything to heart. When we say a projected date for something such as processing a loan, etc., the mlcer immediately thinks that the check will be in hand on that date. They aren't thinking that it takes time to get things done. All they want is their money. I would send him a text and advise him that when you hear something, you will notify him...but until then to please be patient and allow the system to do its work. That you have no control over how long it takes.

Whatever you do, do not tell him that your parents have backed out on the refinancing. He will then push you even harder to get this taken care of.

If he's bugging you about the boys contacting him, tell him that this is between him and the boys. He and the boys will have to work out their situation on their own.

If you choose to ignore his message, he'll continue to text and call...it's best to nip it in the bud now so that he's not bugging you all of the time.

[Whiterose]

Thank you for the advice Snodderly. I responded with "Nothing has changed H. It's a large loan. Please be patient and allow the system to do its job. Thank you"

I was in my dr's office when I got the message, he was so angry, he wants me to block H's texts as all he contacts me about is money and the sort and it stresses me right out.

He doesn't bug me about the boys but I notice that when they snub his messages/calls I get more messages about money. It's a pattern I've noticed.

I just want to have a couple of days to finish this off and get him his money so that he just goes away.....

[Wonka]

Rose,

Here's another thought to consider regarding loans. Banks' loans tend to be more rigid and stricter in meeting their loan terms. Credit Unions tend to have more flexible loan terms. Have you thought about CU as another avenue? I got better rates and terms through CU than a conventional bank.

[Whiterose]

Hello Wonka,
thank you for your post. Yes, I'm working with a lender from one of our local credit unions. Pretty sure most banks would laugh me out of the building;)

[Whiterose]

Just got another message from H he loves his text messages I'll say that.

You are going to have to put $350 into the mortgage acct for tomorrow. I will cover the next payment for Sept 20th but I have rent to pay on Oct 1 so you will have to pay Oct 4 mortgage payment unless you figure out what you're doing with your co-signer.

I was in a meeting didn't respond

next message from H
Hey I also wanted to thank you for giving me the heads up that you cancelled my BCAA (I think it's called something else in the US) I just recently found out when I had to call them

Me
I got my renewal notice and renewed it

H
That's funny cause when I talked to them they asked me to pay for renewal on Sept 3 until they figured out that it had been requested that I be removed immediately from the acct

Me
I renewed and asked them to remove your name from the acct so I could afford to upgrade S18 They asked me if I wanted to update the acct immedately and I said sure

H
Doesn't matter but a heads up would have been nice

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he has the nerve to get mad at me because I updated MY BCAA acct?? Which was due because I had the notice in hand. Why is it my fault you keep needing their services????

OH and I don't know what to do about the money for the mortgage yet......my supplemental income is not approved yet. I'm not sleeping well. I'm eating even less. I work all the time and take of my kids the rest of the time. Why is he being so awful?? I'm trying to do my own thing here. I'm trying not to bother anyone and I'm getting crapped on from my family, H, friends. I'm so, so tired.

[job]

WR,
I'm not surprised that he's come back and stated he doesn't have the money to make the entire mortgage payment. I thought he might be leading up to that one from the last conversation you had w/him last month. They love to cry poor mouth so that everyone will feel sorry for them and yes, we end up making up the difference because we aren't sure whether they are really poor or not. So, any guess as to what he's doing w/his money? I think he's really trying to squeeze you to get moving on the refinancing. They are such sneaky little monsters at times.

Well, in a way, I can see his point in letting him know that you removed him from your account. Although, I'm sure he wouldn't have let you know if he had done it to you. He's just pissy because he went to use it and couldn't.

It will get better in time. You have to hang on a little bit longer. If you can get the refinancing done, that will be large load off your shoulders and he'll go away for a bit when he gets his grubby little hands on the money.

Hang in there. Don't let people see you sweat!

[Whiterose]

Thank you Snodderly.

This is what divorce is about....removing each other from joint situations. He is pissy he went to use it and lost the discount being a secondary on my card. Too bad! You walked away from your family and every responsibility and I think I've been very fair up to this point. Set up your own acct-you can do it on the spot-he just needs to pay for it himself.

I don't know what he's doing with his money Sending it on gas and eating out and beer probably. And as for rent....unless he's gotten himself an apartment he's probably only paying $250-350 month for his single room. I'm pretty sure he is too. I have no choice but to pay it but I won't be paying the visa at the same time and once I have everything in place ill be getting my spousal back dated

Once he gets his money I hope he goes away forever. No one here wants to deal with his crap any longer.

As you can see I'm very angry at the moment. I just want to know why he gets to say and do whatever he wants while I play it cool so he doesn't fly off of the handle.

[job]

WR,
They think everything should remain the same when it comes to them being taken care of financially by us. They don't stop to think about the consequences of their actions being that divorce means removing each other from joint situations. Poor baby...well life isn't always a bed of roses and he's just starting to get a taste of what life will be like once everything is settled.

He's not going to go away. You have children together and you'll have to have some contact w/him because of this. I don't have children and I'm still dealing w/my xh periodically.

There will come a time when you will be able to tell him how you feel about everything. When it comes to the finances, be firm and direct w/him. He needs to understand that you are not going to be the one to take on all of the family finances as well as his. Those days are over.

I do hope that you have something pleasant planned for the weekend. You need a break to wipe out the cobwebs of mlc.

[Whiterose]

Snodderly, my sister said it very well my H has no concept of "cause and effect" it doesn't occur to him. I think this is, in part, due to his ADHD and the MLC has amplified it. He messaged me AGAIN today saying he had transferred what he had into the acct and that he hoped I had decided to put in the remainder that he told me about yesterday. I responded that I would be doing it today and had made a partial payment on the larger credit card but cannot make the rest of the payment now. His response "it is what it is I guess. I put all the money I have. I have been messaging S14 everyday again and never hear back can you ask him to call me please" My only response to him "yes, you're right. I will let him know you've asked"

I want to take a 2 x 4 to his head and say WHY DON'T YOU SEE HE HAS NO INTEREST IN TEXtiNG YOU???? come take your child and DO SOMETHING with him!!!!!

I'm torn. I want to have him snap out and make it all better and come home but I also feel that my boys and I deserve better than this. He's never going to get better and he's never going to stop being such a jerk.

I wish I had something fun planned. It's working, for pay, and working on my financials for the lawyer. I did get a glimmer of light today from the mortgage guy saying he had submitted my report to the credit dept and "the numbers don't look too bad and your credit is excellent" I MAY get to keep my house. 5 years! I need my house for five years and S18 will be out, or on his way out, S14 will be finished high school and will have a way to see his friends on his own and I can get something else and maybe a studio to work from instead of my home. I just pray that glimmer is a ball of sunshine!