When I first came to this site I spent a lot of time just reading through other peoples situations, looking for some of those "signs" that would help determine wether my P was in the midst of a MLC, and what, if anything, I could do about it.

I guess the most important thing I learnt was that there was nothing I could do about it, and didn't cause it either.

I had no real intention of going into too many details of his behaviour, but due to recent events have decided that by recalling some of his behaviour may give someone else some insight, one of you may be able to enlighten me with some reasoning behind his actions and I can maybe "dump" some of the stuff that spins in my head.

About 8 months prior to BD exP joined a new social group - we are not talking sport/beer here - they are a "dramatic band". Basically they get dressed up in fancy dress gear and behave like a lot of children. Singing, sword-fighting and generally being stupid!! But, of course, that's just my view, and they do raise money for charity. Added to which, they all have fictional names and persona. He knew none of these people when he joined, and could be who/what he liked in their presence. the first few months were fairly quiet - winter doesn't get too much sea-side action around here, but once their "summer season" kicked in, so did BD. Plenty of reasons to be out, having a good time, drinking, partying (far enough from home to have the excuse of not driving back on occasion) and generally being someone else. this is where the new wife comes into the action, she is also a member of the group. The odd night away at weekends extended to thurs- mon (taking in their "meetings", rehersals, events as well as parties. Until May when he just stopped coming home altogether (with no notice/indication to me).

During 2013, he has changed his facebook 4 times:
originally NAME/SURNAME/NICKNAME
then NAME/NEW NICKNAME/SURNAME
then FICTIONAL GROUP NAME
Now NEW NICKNAME/HER SURNAME

How many more people can he be before he finds one he is happy with?

Very early on I discovered that snooping around didn't always provide me with the answers I wanted (more questions usually,to which there were no answers) so I stopped. However this week I have had to delve a little into the quagmire of his life for confirmation of events. A bit too much "in your face" for me but no denying the reality.

During this foray a couple of things have come to light.

1. He is very much in "teenager" mode. Funfair/drinking/new tattoo. Odd speech for an approaching 50 male. Including "how great to be sitting on the sofa just holding hands"?? Or is it just me?

2. It would seem he has been herded, then lead by the nose to this concluding event. Quite happily, possibly. Attention and adoration, not just from the new wife. The group were so pleased such a great guy had joined them, giving his all etc etc.

Regardless of the marriage, I have no doubts that he wouldn't have been coming back anytime soon. it seems to me that he is still deep in replay, with no sign of it ending anytime soon. Vets may have another opinion, if so I would like to hear it.

In view of all this, I have reached the following decisions (today anyway!). As hurt, angry and all the other emotional turmoils I am currently experiencing I will try to remain calm, and dignified in my dealings with him. I can't escape it all together with the house issues. I don't think I will let him off the hook altogether, but will try and keep things civil and business like. Why? Well, I don't want to lower my standards too far. But seriously, 20 years is along time together in my book, and at least 19 of them were very good. Our relationship is highly unlikely to ever be rekindled, but if he ever needed help from me or my family I would like to think he would be able to approach us. In that vein, I have also decided not to tell them any details of the circumstances of his leaving. I do not want to diminish their opinion of him.

And despite everything, I still love the man I met (where ever he is)and I don't want to destroy the good memories by parting in a bitter, backstabbing way. I will be able to move forward then in a dignified manner knowing I did the best I could in the circumstances. Battered, but not broken!