Surviving Separation

[Confluences]

You're doing great, just keep it up! What can I say, just hang in there and be patient+consistent and let him bring up the R topic. I am going on a camping on Thursday with mutual friends (2 couples + a single dad + 5 kids) and the 2 wives are very close to my WAW. My good friend saw my WAW at his daughter's birthday party this past weekend, she made the point of telling him that she was going home to spend the afternoon with her cat. It will be weird since my WAW has always gone on this trip too. I do know this weekend will need to be positive & upbeat about myself and things. There will be photos and they will end up on facebook.

Keep us posted on the baby! I'm really happy for you and where you are right now, it's exciting to watch your overall attitude change and grow so much more optimistic. You deserve it!

[Ambivalent]

Been lurking and I wish a very smooth delivery asap! Sounds like you are handling things well. Sometimes he seems to be dropping fishing lines...some responses may be : Oh...and wait. or do share and wait. Open ended responses and just saying mmm-hmmm or uh-huh can allow for more verbalization on his end. I wish you well in the next few days, enjoy that precious package that will soon be on earth!

[Confluences]

Did you have your B?

[slow_it_down]

Yes confluences, Baby has arrived!

With mil here helping and H around to visit our S, I'm down to 0 personal time to post but wanted to hop on for an update.

When i went into labor my H drove me to the hospital and spent the wee hours of the night walking the halls with me. He was very supportive during it all and I don't think things could have gone better during our time in the hospital. My H even stayed overnight on the hospital couch to stay near our S while we were there. No physical contact, no R talk, but we got along very well.

Now we are back home and I'm trying to keep my PMA up while spending way too much time w/ my MIL. She's a huge help but I'm not used to having people at my house 24/7. She also stresses my H out when she's around so I can tell he wishes we could have come home from the hospital to having time alone w/ our new S to settle in.

At any rate, things are as confusing as ever. H has been staying at my house on the couch while his mom is here. Every night he kisses the baby good night in my room and leaves the room looking very choked up. Then he comes in the morning b4 work to kiss the baby good bye and tells me "we need to talk". Yet he never says anything during the few moments we've been alone away from his mom. I'm in no rush to figure things out but he's very tough to figure out. I wish he 'd just tell me what's on his mind!

Last night as he was leaving he said "I can't keep doing this." I said "what?" Because I have no clue what it is he 's thinking. He then asked if I even wanted him here. I told him I've just been respecting his decisions and that if he wants things to be different between us it falls on him to let me know because I can't read his mind.

He ended up staying in my room overnight and he got somewhat close but didn't manage more than an awkward half cuddle.

For now I have a feeling things will continue to be awkward as we navigate having his mother around... I am also a bit concerned about making this too "easy" by letting him not just stay at my house but also stay in my room. I want certain things in place before we'd move toward R but now isn't the time and we don't have the time or privacy to talk.

Simply put, having this baby has put us on a faster track to who knows where when I know from experience I need to Slow It Down.

[Confluences]

I am so happy for you that your baby arrived safe and sound. I wish I was in your shoes because my WAW wants to have a baby but there's no way that talk can occur until my financial 180s are done and she sees that problem gone for good.

It's hard to get a read on him but at least he is stepping up to the plate by just being there. He's probably like me where guys get a sense of guilt/"crippling shame" (heard that in Church) if they feel like their the "Perpetrator" of the problems and they have a hard time opening up about wanting to make things right.

I think about some of the really intimate conversations that my waw an I used to have alone together where you really let your inhibitions go and really have a connecting, deep conversation. I actually dream about getting the financial crap behind us and her approaching me about a desire to work things out and having another intimate conversation where I am able to apologize for the mess I made and her accepting my apology know that it's in the past. I also know it will not happen right away and keep the expectation level at zero.

Understand that for guys those conversations are really much more powerful than any physical type of intimacy because we have to let the barriers down and that is just not how we're wired but we remember those moments. Keeping a barrier to physical intimacy is probably the best for now.

Just rely on your best judgement about slowing reeling him back in to R talk but on his timeline because that is where I'm at right now. He maybe right on the edge of having that conversation but like you said you're not a mind reader.

I spent time with 2 of my WAWs girlfriends this past weekend and one of them said that she felt like she was in a good place right now being alone and that I was doing the right thing with not contacting her about R talk. I know that if this gets done here soon (hoping next week) that she'll realize that some serious changes have in fact occurred but I can't run to her in joy and say "it finally got done, so all is well" because the wounds are still there.

Anyway, I'm happy for you and definitely keep your spirits up, remain positive, and keep the updates coming. They are encouraging .

[slow_it_down]

Very good points. I will keep them in mind.

Well we finally had some decent alone time today to talk in the car away from his mom and he used it to tell me he wouldn't be staying over tonight because he needed to throw in a load of laundry. Then he acted like I would take it very personally that he wouldn't stay over. I said it was fine and he was free to be over with the baby as much as he likes.

I tried to change the subject bc I really don't care either way if he stays or goes each day. Instead he kept talking saying something like "I really enjoyed cuddling last night but I need to get some stuff done at home." Mind you he goes home daily after work before coming over and just did laundry yesterday. Later he said he felt bad not staying and the way he said things made it sound like it really was more than just a case of needing to do laundry. Like his mind was spinning...

I've been really thankful for the skills/ lessons learned through DBing in the past week. There've been days where he's down from the pedestal I've placed him on where I think, "do I even want that back." But I remind myself that how I feel today might not be how I feel tomorrow and I just ride out negative thoughts knowing I don't need to make any decisions about things right now.

I also have great days where he does everything right but then steps away from me, but DBing has prepared me mentally to take back steps or side steps in stride w/o giving up hope that we are headed in an overall positive direction.

[Confluences]

I've been really thankful for the skills/ lessons learned through DBing in the past week. There've been days where he's down from the pedestal I've placed him on where I think, "do I even want that back." But I remind myself that how I feel today might not be how I feel tomorrow and I just ride out negative thoughts knowing I don't need to make any decisions about things right now.
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That quote is totally how I feel about things from time to time lately. You definitely want to keep working on yourself, reading, and staying busy. It's hard to do but you have to tell yourself that everyone goes thru different phases during this process.

I was out last night at dinner for my Mom's Birthday and the restaurant has 1/2 off Wine on Wednesday and the bar was packed with really attractive women. The female Server was really flirty and nice to me.

That whole bar scene is not necessarily my speed but as I was leaving the reality set in that I may be in that dating mode in 6 months and you have to come to terms with the possibility of moving on with life and making the effort to meet someone new with the hope that your best days are ahead of you.

Meeting someone new has no appeal to me right now because I know that not dating during this phase will give me peace knowing that if we don't work out that I would have made my best effort and not given up too soon.

So I guess I'll stick with mountain biking and Thursday Night Poker night with the guys but I really would like to take a female out to dinner but not on a date, just for nice conversation with a lady. Those are simple things that I miss right now and maybe I will do that sometime, who knows but that's hard to walk that line. The NFL Season Opener is tonight so Fantasy Football begins in earnest, which is a great diversion for me until December.

Keep us posted on how things go with your sitch!

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, I know how hard it is to be in limbo wanting companionship. I hope you can stay strong and find ways to get a life w/ others like friends and family w/o dating until you give this your best effort.. Especially till your deals go through and you see her response to things being taken care of.

I know it's painful and can feel like forever, but if you can get back on track w/ your W all your sacrifice now will be worth it. I know that moving on might feel better but I'm rooting for you and your W to work things out You can do it!

Also I realized in posting yesterday I forgot to mention a few key positives. My H fixed my sons bike (his step son). He usually says he'll do something and forgets so I was really happy he did something for my son right away when he asked. He's also been doing a lot of cooking for us while I'm recovering. Before our big day he felt like a roommate that just came to eat and sleep, never pitching in, so I'm really happy to see this side of my H.

My biggest challenge is to not overreact when things start to feel like previous times when he'd return, show excitement to be back and then get nervous and start distancing. I'm determined to break the cycle by acting as if whatever he does doesn't affect me. If he needs to step away for a few days or needs space I'm determined not to take it personally.

Unrelated, I lost my wedding rings a few months ago when I took them off after my H left the last time. I'm really dreading having to tell him, and I'm wondering how it will go if he eventually puts his back on and I don't put mine back on. Ugh, it's always something isn't it?

[Confluences]

If it makes you feel better, I'm assuming that my Wife may have sold her rings after our conversation on July 1st . It had an insured value of 14K but she may have gotten 5K to 6K with a wholesale buyer (which is about what I paid for it). If she did sell it, I'd be disappointed but it also is a way to put the past in the past and divorce yourselves from the difficulties of the past too. I know she always loved that ring, so maybe I'm wrong and she still has it. I keep mine in my car but I don't wear it right now. Maybe yours will turn up soon.

It's funny how actions speak louder than words when you mention your H fixing your son's bike and doing the cooking. Hearing that from a female reinforces the need to prove yourself.

You talk about "...act as if whatever he does doesn't affect me." is crucial even if your stomach is tied in knots because you have total control on how you react to your emotions. To train yourself to rein them in is hard work and takes practice because it's easy to take things personally.

Thanks for the kind words as there's not a lot of people that will say those things to me right now and it helps a lot to hear from a female. Keep me posted on your progress!

[slow_it_down]

Last night my house became somewhat of a tinder box ready for implosion and I'm bracing myself for what will be a challenging weekend.

I have a massive headache and feel completely dehydrated due to little sleep taking care of my newborn S. He's really been an angel though so I couldn't have asked for a happier little guy.

My mil is still staying with us and has been unimaginably helpful, but I can tell that after a week hanging out w/ me and the baby she's going a little stir crazy.

Factor in my H who is also tired and cranky (because he's a workaholic, not from the baby mind you bc I'm the one up w/ him at night), and tension is running pretty high.

My biggest concern this weekend is my kids. Both H and MIL have very little patience for them. They are 6 & 9 and my H has no tolerance for them just being kids.

The kids were at school all week, but last night they could do nothing right in my H's eyes. My H quickly went from happy go lucky to shut down mode when they got home. I asked if everything was ok and he said something about it being the same old thing. Meaning my S9 not being respectful enough or not listening.

I hate feeling like my H doesn't like my children. I hate that he won't put any energy into building a relationship with them. I know kids/step parenting is frustrating but he can't just give up on them because they don't act like adults.

Him dating someone I can deal w/... Him showing this side of himself to me again, I just can't. This may be a deal breaker and despite how far we've come I haven't a clue how to change the dynamic between H and my kids.

I'm not asking for infinite patience with them, I just want him to show some sign that he can like them as they are... Kids that sometimes do things wrong.

So, now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to survive the weekend. H went to work today on his day off so at least he's out of my hair for a bit. MIL is leaving Monday, but on so little sleep I'm hoping I don't accidentally say something I shouldn't if she's really giving my kids a hard time. I did ask H to take her to lunch or to get her out of the house for a break but he's been very selfish at times this week so I'm not holding my breath.

Lord give me the patience to make it to Monday!