Figuring out the old and new life

[TSquared2]

Now I have something to present to W while we are in the car! laugh

omg, no! SHE is supposed to say that to YOU, not YOU to HER while she is trapped in a speeding vehicle....lol.... that's what we want them to say, right?

[uRworthy]

Hey FY, I agree with T2, there are plenty of women out there who would be thrilled to have someone like you in their lives.

And I think you and T2 should meet and have that date. Just sayin...- LOL!

I have been around for over 6 years. I have seen at least 7 MLC's in real life (incl. xh's) up close and personal. Three of them very close. It is true, there are those who havent reached bottom and made the turnaround.

The thing of it is this. While I totally understand your committment to your wife and your marriage and commend you for it, you matter, too.

I have told you many times that your wife is a strange one. Not that I havent seen a MLCer act like her, I have, but, I still cant quite figure her out.

Clearly, you are not done. Trust me when I say, when you are you know it without a single doubt.

I do know think, however, that your w doesnt haves any real motive to change or look within if she doesnt hit bottom. She likes her life and she is afraid of what friends and family might think.

But it has been quite some time and I dont see much movement on her part. Which would be fine if it wasnt affecting you more and more.

I think you know your w best. And I have said to you that I think you need to show her either in words or action that you are not going to wait forever for her to decide she wants a marriage with you.

I dont think it is unreasonable for you to want to do that.

I think as with T2's wife, and many others, there are outward signs of turmoil, or behaviors that indicate turmoil to show some kind of movement within the MLCer. With your w, while I think there is a lot of inner turmoil, it does not show itself and so it is hard to see whether she is trying to work things out in her head. Not sure if that makes sense. LOL!

Bottom line is, that you are getting frustrated and I get that. You want some kind of movement either way and I get that, too.

The thing is that you are not done. So you want to really think long and hard about what you want to say or do.

And I also think that you should not protect her from her family and friends. Not as vindictiveness, but, because she needs to be responsible for her actions and the consequences that result from them.

I agree with Raine and T2, that your w can feel you waiting. She can see that you arent going anywhere, so, why does she have to do anything different?

There isnt anything wrong with you acting as if you really are moving forward with the thought that this marriage might not make it.

Change things up a bit. Have that mindset when you decide how to act. It is how you are feeling, so, it is real.

And when you are ready to poke the bear, I know you will do it in your wonderful FY way. We will be here to support whatever you decide to say or do.

[TSquared2]

Sure, but then I get back to the "Tell me why are we M, again?" thing.

Because you are? And at this moment, there is no hurry?

Can you still see the possibility of a great new R?

I tend to go back to "this is a cancer of the soul, and this is the chemo process, and how would I be if it were a physical cancer, and physical chemo?" In our culture, imo, we tend to view mental and spiritual issues as less "real" and therefore not deserving of the same consideration as physical illness (again, just my opinion).

And yes, I ask myself "Just why am I doing this again?" more often than I would like. Those ^^^ are my answers that work for me, before I throw in the kids concerns, financials, etc.

[ForeverYoung]

FY, I think if you can do this without reaching that point of filing for D, you are much further ahead of the game when building a R back. I don't think there is any truer demonstration of unconditional love.

T2 is right. You need to further detach. You can let her know what life is like without you, without getting that far. Don't always be there when she gets home. You go out and have fun. Go and see a movie or whatever. Just don't always be there when she wants to talk to you. Don't do this in a mean or spiteful way. You're just busy living life to the fullest. You can give her that feeling without words. You don't have to tell her your patience is running thin. Start making life without her. When she is on FB, just say you're going for a drive sometimes and take off. Start building some interests that are just yours and don't include her. Take a cooking class. (A guy that cooks is super hot.) Be happy and awesome when you're around her. Be in love with life. You'll stop watching the sitch pot and she'll start getting curious about you.

You've come to far to let patience run out now. Cause living like roommates [censored]. Would living alone be better? Don't push that button until that is exactly what you want.

Hi Raine! I do everything I want to do now. Have enough interests that don't have anything to do with W. I really do enjoy my life, just not the disrespectful checked out W part.

But, I have recently started to pull back a little, and will continue to do so, just to see what happens. But since we can't fix 'em, maybe it doesn't really matter what I do.

And you are right, living alone would not be better... and I do think about this often. Still, everyone has a limit. I don't know how some of you do it for so long, many receiving way worse treatment from their spouse than I've gotten.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks uR!

I think you know your w best. And I have said to you that I think you need to show her either in words or action that you are not going to wait forever for her to decide she wants a marriage with you.

I dont think it is unreasonable for you to want to do that.

Actually, I've done that 6-8 weeks ago when SHE initiated R talks, and SHE pressed me to explain where I was at regarding us. My words were that I would NOT go on like this forever, and that I didn't know how long I would... maybe 3 months, maybe 3 years.

So I guess I have at least a month to go.

I think as with T2's wife, and many others, there are outward signs of turmoil, or behaviors that indicate turmoil to show some kind of movement within the MLCer. With your w, while I think there is a lot of inner turmoil, it does not show itself and so it is hard to see whether she is trying to work things out in her head. Not sure if that makes sense. LOL!

Yes it does make sense, and I did feel there was signs that she was working on things inside until a few weeks ago. Since then she's been doing extra super overtime at work, so the personal growth has taken a back seat to going out and having fun.

And I also think that you should not protect her from her family and friends. Not as vindictiveness, but, because she needs to be responsible for her actions and the consequences that result from them.

I'd like to explore this thought. Michele (wisely, I feel) instructs us to keep the families out of all this. So I've always acted like all is fine around them... wouldn't want them to worry and stick their nose in. How would "she needs to be responsible for her actions and the consequences that result from them" fit in with this?

There isnt anything wrong with you acting as if you really are moving forward with the thought that this marriage might not make it.

Change things up a bit. Have that mindset when you decide how to act. It is how you are feeling, so, it is real.

Agreed. I've already decided that my next ed2go course will be "Navigating Divorce". Gotta know how it all works don't ya know.

[Cadet]

Heres my take FWIW.

MWD and some other marriage guru's all seem to say that if you are having marriage troubles that things will change.
That 5 years later (and I think that is arbitrary) you can be in a fantastic marriage.

And I have friends that have verified that their wives went off the deep end for around 5 years but now they are happily married.
So do you really think that UR has to shake things up when this has only been going on for a year?

As far as him telling her in words.
Hmm I would tell his wife to believe nothing he says and half of what he does.
So I dont think you can make an empty threat and it will have any weight.

I also think that her crisis so far has been very mild.
The downside to that is I think it will take much longer.
Higher energy sometimes burns the fire quicker.
Just my .02

[uRworthy]

Hey FY, I agree with Michele about not getting the families involved.

I think she meant do not call them up and spill your guts. Do not ask them to intervene. Do not ask them to take sides. Do not

But I am not so sure, (and I could be wrong, I often am), that she meant disallowing the natural occurences of the situation to unfold. For example, if her father asks both of you to do something and she doesnt want to go, I think it is up to her to explain, ya know? And let them make their own conclusions. That's kinda what I meant by what I said.

I also think that they may know more than you think and if they dont, I have to wonder what they would think if you decided to move on and they are blindsided. Just some things to think about.

Only you know what you can take, how long you can do this. And I am by no means suggesting you throw in the towel. I believe in this process. I also believe that everyone is different, as is their tolerance.

As far as her going out more, that could also be movement on her part. She could be trying to get it out of her system or she could be running from feeling that something is stirring up inside her and she isnt ready to deal with it.

FY, you will know when you are done. I dont believe you are. I do believe that you are getting frustrated. I know that living without intimacy while living with someone you love is so difficult.

I am going to be a little nitpicky if I may. Doing your own thing is great. But if your wife is telling you to find other things to do, while it could be guilt on her part, leads me to believe that you are not going anywhere.

If someone told me 3 months to 3 years, I wouldnt be at all worried. Just sayin....;)

I am not implying you should give her an ultimatum. Just think you might need to detach just a bit more.

Hope it helped in some way.

And good for you that you are finding out about the divorce process. Knowledge is power.

You are doing great, my friend. Just gotta ride out the rough spots.

[uRworthy]

I apologize FY, I did not realize that your sitch was only going on for a year. Confused you with someone else.

I agree with Cadet (that might be a first - lol)

This stuff takes a long time. A really long time. You have to decide if you are going to dig in or not.

If you feel that you cannot do it for much longer, no one would fault you. We are behind you no matter what you decide.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks Cadet, I value your opinion.

So I dont think you can make an empty threat and it will have any weight.

No threats here. Only Reality.

I also think that her crisis so far has been very mild.
The downside to that is I think it will take much longer.
Higher energy sometimes burns the fire quicker.
Just my .02

Which is why I sometimes think pushing her a bit may speed things up. "Get on with finding yourself sweetheart." You want out? Make your move.

And quit saying a year! It's been 18 months since BD and 21 since Mom died and this all started! I'm not doing the last 9 months over! Ok, still not 2 years and I get your point... it's probably still be early.

[uRworthy]

Fy, you got this. You know her. It will not make or break the situation doing what you are thinking of doing.